fic: al in Wonderland (V/O, adult (crack))
Oct. 2nd, 2008 02:49 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
stormatdusk.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
vigorlititle: al in Wonderland
by:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
stormatdusk
pairing: viggo/orlando
words: 1023
rating: adult, but only in the most crackified sense.
disclaimer: this is only fiction. it's really not true.
a/n: happy birthday to al!alliwantisanelf is 29 again today! :)
al in Wonderland
Scene: Deep in the magical Woods of Wonderland. al sits on a toadstool with her notebook and pen very early one morning, hoping for bunnies. She listens to birdsong and waits for any interesting woodland creatures to wander by. Unaware of her peaceful presence, Orlando waits anxiously in a small clearing. Viggo checks that the coast is clear, and al's Elf-like camouflage abilities hide her well. Viggo shuffles out from behind a tree.
ORLANDO (squeals): Viggo, you made it!
VIGGO: 'Course I did. It's… well, it's you. (blushes) I know we've only known each other a few days, but… well, our time together here… it's become really important to me.
ORLANDO (shuffles closer to Viggo): Aww, Vig. You say the nicest things. I… I really like you, too. (squints, concerned) Gosh, did you have trouble on the way here?
VIGGO: No, not really… why do you ask?
ORLANDO: Oh. It's just… your fur is all messy and every which way again. I thought maybe you got in a fight or someone tried to take your tree or something.
VIGGO: Uh, take my tree?
ORLANDO: Yeah. I noticed you never bring a tree with you. So I… well, I brought you this little snack today. Hope you like birch?
VIGGO (confused): Uh… it's… it's lovely? Thank you… hey, I know! Want to climb a tree together, watch the sunrise?
ORLANDO (confused): Climb a tree? Uh… not… not really.... Oooo, wanna go for a swim?
VIGGO (more confused, but wanting to be polite): Uhhh, maybe… maybe later? (scuffs toe in dirt) Y'know, it might be fun to…
ORLANDO (brightens): …kiss some more?
VIGGO: Yes!
ORLANDO: I thought you'd never ask!
They enthusiastically touch noses, sniff, nuzzle, kiss, and snuffle each other.
ORLANDO (muffled): Gosh, Vig, you really make my tail twitch.
VIGGO (mumbled): *mumble*
The action heats up quickly!
ORLANDO: Vig… oh… oh, Vig… oh…
VIGGO (mumbled): *mumble*
The morning dew on the grasses of the clearing turns to steam!
ORLANDO: Viggo… kissing's not enough anymore. Can we… will you…
VIGGO (mumbled): Gosh yes yes YES!
They jostle and shuffle into position.
VIGGO (horny): Ohhhh, GOSH, yesssssss… ohhhh….
ORLANDO (horny): Ohhhh… oh - - oh! oH! OW!
VIGGO (clueless, still horny): Oh, oh, oh, oh…
ORLANDO (pained): OW! OW! OW, VIGGO! You're POKING me!
VIGGO (still clueless, still horny): Not quite yet, but I'm trying… if you'd just... hold... still….
ORLANDO (pained and now pissed off): Not that kind of poking, dumbass! What is wrong with your coat?! - - it's jabbing me and it HURTS!!!
VIGGO (still clueless but less horny): You mean my quills? Nothing's wrong with them, they're just… quills!
ORLANDO (shuffles around to face Viggo): You have QUILLS? But… but… porcupines have quills! We're beavers!
VIGGO: Beavers?? I'm not a - - you're a beaver?!?
ORLANDO: You're a porcupine?!?
They stand agape, pant to catch their breath, stare at each other.
VIGGO (softly): I guess that explains why you're always inviting me to go swimming.
ORLANDO (quietly): And why you never want to go.
VIGGO (sadly): With that pretty, smooth, slick coat, I just figured you were reeeeally into hair gel.
ORLANDO (quietly): I just thought you were a mad, lovable slob.
VIGGO (very sadly): I guess we... shouldn't....
ORLANDO (very sadly): No... probably not....
They look at each other very sadly and slowly turn to shuffle out of the clearing in opposite directions.
ORLANDO (whispers sadly): I can't believe I fell in love with a porcupine.
VIGGO (turns hopefully): What??
ORLANDO (looks sadly once more over his beaver shoulder): Nothing....
al watches them depart, resisting the urge to get up and kick some sense into their butts, partly because that would be cruelty to animals but mostly because she doesn't want Viggo's quills in her toes. She gets an idea and races home to raid YD's toiletries kit.
The next morning, al is again quietly on her toadstool. Orlando sits forlornly in the clearing. Viggo approaches slowly.
ORLANDO (wonderingly): Viggo? Viggo, you... you came?
VIGGO: 'Course I did. It's… well, it's you. But... but I didn't expect to see you here anymore....
ORLANDO (shuffles close): Oh Viggo, how could I not come? I know we're different species, but I love you! I don't care if we can only kiss and stuff; you're worth it.
VIGGO (happy): Oh Orlando, I love you too!
They snuffle and kiss slurpily.
VIGGO (mumbles): Mmm... Orl... mm.. Orlando! I have to show you something.
Viggo stands on his wittle back paws to show his wittle porcupine privates, which are somewhat red and swollen (and not in the good way), BUT... are quill-free!
ORLANDO (shocked): Wow! Impressive! And what happened to your quills there?? And ouch, why do you have those little cuts? And again, impressive!
VIGGO: Well, I was feeling so sad yesterday about losing you - -
Orlando snuffles him encouragingly.
VIGGO: - - and I was wishing and wishing for a solution, and then a disposable razor magically dropped into the moss right in front of me!
ORLANDO: It did?? But how - ?
VIGGO (whispers conspiratorially): I think that Elfy-type lady - - you know, the one who likes to sit on the toadstool and watch us? - - threw it to me.
ORLANDO (whispers): Oh yeah, her. She's cute!
VIGGO (in normal voice): So anyway, it took me a little trial and error to get the hang of it, but here I am, smooth as a beaver!
ORLANDO (gleeful): Oh Viggo! I'm so happy! But... should we wait till your ouchies have healed?
VIGGO (shuffles around behind Orlando): You kidding me? Bend it like Beckham, baby!
ORLANDO (squeals): Squeal!
Cue The Captain & Tennille's "Muskrat Love" as Viggo and Orlando get their groove on amidst much grunting and squealing and general joyousness. Seven seconds later, they lie spent and panting next to each other, Viggo carefully keeping his quills from poking Orlando.
ORLANDO (breathless): Oh Viggo, now I understand why I've never been interested in beaver!
VIGGO (breathless, laughing): I can't believe you just went for that joke.
They dissolve in giggles as al scribbles furiously in her notebook.
Curtain.
ETA: al got bunnied! more crack, this way. :D
by:
stormatduskpairing: viggo/orlando
words: 1023
rating: adult, but only in the most crackified sense.
disclaimer: this is only fiction. it's really not true.
a/n: happy birthday to al!
alliwantisanelf is 29 again today! :)Scene: Deep in the magical Woods of Wonderland. al sits on a toadstool with her notebook and pen very early one morning, hoping for bunnies. She listens to birdsong and waits for any interesting woodland creatures to wander by. Unaware of her peaceful presence, Orlando waits anxiously in a small clearing. Viggo checks that the coast is clear, and al's Elf-like camouflage abilities hide her well. Viggo shuffles out from behind a tree.
ORLANDO (squeals): Viggo, you made it!
VIGGO: 'Course I did. It's… well, it's you. (blushes) I know we've only known each other a few days, but… well, our time together here… it's become really important to me.
ORLANDO (shuffles closer to Viggo): Aww, Vig. You say the nicest things. I… I really like you, too. (squints, concerned) Gosh, did you have trouble on the way here?
VIGGO: No, not really… why do you ask?
ORLANDO: Oh. It's just… your fur is all messy and every which way again. I thought maybe you got in a fight or someone tried to take your tree or something.
VIGGO: Uh, take my tree?
ORLANDO: Yeah. I noticed you never bring a tree with you. So I… well, I brought you this little snack today. Hope you like birch?
VIGGO (confused): Uh… it's… it's lovely? Thank you… hey, I know! Want to climb a tree together, watch the sunrise?
ORLANDO (confused): Climb a tree? Uh… not… not really.... Oooo, wanna go for a swim?
VIGGO (more confused, but wanting to be polite): Uhhh, maybe… maybe later? (scuffs toe in dirt) Y'know, it might be fun to…
ORLANDO (brightens): …kiss some more?
VIGGO: Yes!
ORLANDO: I thought you'd never ask!
They enthusiastically touch noses, sniff, nuzzle, kiss, and snuffle each other.
ORLANDO (muffled): Gosh, Vig, you really make my tail twitch.
VIGGO (mumbled): *mumble*
The action heats up quickly!
ORLANDO: Vig… oh… oh, Vig… oh…
VIGGO (mumbled): *mumble*
The morning dew on the grasses of the clearing turns to steam!
ORLANDO: Viggo… kissing's not enough anymore. Can we… will you…
VIGGO (mumbled): Gosh yes yes YES!
They jostle and shuffle into position.
VIGGO (horny): Ohhhh, GOSH, yesssssss… ohhhh….
ORLANDO (horny): Ohhhh… oh - - oh! oH! OW!
VIGGO (clueless, still horny): Oh, oh, oh, oh…
ORLANDO (pained): OW! OW! OW, VIGGO! You're POKING me!
VIGGO (still clueless, still horny): Not quite yet, but I'm trying… if you'd just... hold... still….
ORLANDO (pained and now pissed off): Not that kind of poking, dumbass! What is wrong with your coat?! - - it's jabbing me and it HURTS!!!
VIGGO (still clueless but less horny): You mean my quills? Nothing's wrong with them, they're just… quills!
ORLANDO (shuffles around to face Viggo): You have QUILLS? But… but… porcupines have quills! We're beavers!
VIGGO: Beavers?? I'm not a - - you're a beaver?!?
ORLANDO: You're a porcupine?!?
They stand agape, pant to catch their breath, stare at each other.
VIGGO (softly): I guess that explains why you're always inviting me to go swimming.
ORLANDO (quietly): And why you never want to go.
VIGGO (sadly): With that pretty, smooth, slick coat, I just figured you were reeeeally into hair gel.
ORLANDO (quietly): I just thought you were a mad, lovable slob.
VIGGO (very sadly): I guess we... shouldn't....
ORLANDO (very sadly): No... probably not....
They look at each other very sadly and slowly turn to shuffle out of the clearing in opposite directions.
ORLANDO (whispers sadly): I can't believe I fell in love with a porcupine.
VIGGO (turns hopefully): What??
ORLANDO (looks sadly once more over his beaver shoulder): Nothing....
al watches them depart, resisting the urge to get up and kick some sense into their butts, partly because that would be cruelty to animals but mostly because she doesn't want Viggo's quills in her toes. She gets an idea and races home to raid YD's toiletries kit.
The next morning, al is again quietly on her toadstool. Orlando sits forlornly in the clearing. Viggo approaches slowly.
ORLANDO (wonderingly): Viggo? Viggo, you... you came?
VIGGO: 'Course I did. It's… well, it's you. But... but I didn't expect to see you here anymore....
ORLANDO (shuffles close): Oh Viggo, how could I not come? I know we're different species, but I love you! I don't care if we can only kiss and stuff; you're worth it.
VIGGO (happy): Oh Orlando, I love you too!
They snuffle and kiss slurpily.
VIGGO (mumbles): Mmm... Orl... mm.. Orlando! I have to show you something.
Viggo stands on his wittle back paws to show his wittle porcupine privates, which are somewhat red and swollen (and not in the good way), BUT... are quill-free!
ORLANDO (shocked): Wow! Impressive! And what happened to your quills there?? And ouch, why do you have those little cuts? And again, impressive!
VIGGO: Well, I was feeling so sad yesterday about losing you - -
Orlando snuffles him encouragingly.
VIGGO: - - and I was wishing and wishing for a solution, and then a disposable razor magically dropped into the moss right in front of me!
ORLANDO: It did?? But how - ?
VIGGO (whispers conspiratorially): I think that Elfy-type lady - - you know, the one who likes to sit on the toadstool and watch us? - - threw it to me.
ORLANDO (whispers): Oh yeah, her. She's cute!
VIGGO (in normal voice): So anyway, it took me a little trial and error to get the hang of it, but here I am, smooth as a beaver!
ORLANDO (gleeful): Oh Viggo! I'm so happy! But... should we wait till your ouchies have healed?
VIGGO (shuffles around behind Orlando): You kidding me? Bend it like Beckham, baby!
ORLANDO (squeals): Squeal!
Cue The Captain & Tennille's "Muskrat Love" as Viggo and Orlando get their groove on amidst much grunting and squealing and general joyousness. Seven seconds later, they lie spent and panting next to each other, Viggo carefully keeping his quills from poking Orlando.
ORLANDO (breathless): Oh Viggo, now I understand why I've never been interested in beaver!
VIGGO (breathless, laughing): I can't believe you just went for that joke.
They dissolve in giggles as al scribbles furiously in her notebook.
Curtain.
ETA: al got bunnied! more crack, this way. :D
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Date: 2008-10-04 02:14 am (UTC)