vigorli

Since it's been a while (six months..gulp) since I posted any Mea Culpa, I thought I'd tidy up the old chapters and post them here to refresh everyone's mind. I'm sorry about the long delay but RL has thrown me a *lot* of curveballs over the last few months, and I also had my finals and graduation to get out the way. Now they are, I should be getting back on track and hopefully after re-posting the new chapters should come at a much more regualar pace and I have a couple of new stories lined up but I won't be posting them until after Mea Culpa is finished.

Any feedback you could give would be greatly appreciated, it's been such a while that I'm feeling very rusty. Thanks.

Title:Mea Culpa
Author: Imogen
Disclaimer: I don't know any of the actors, and make no claim on their lives or sexualities. No profit is made.
Rating: NC-17 for themes, and (eventually) sexual content
Summary: Abuse ruins everyone's lives. Who picks up the pieces?
Warnings: domestic abuse, rape, attempted sucide, violence. If any of these upset you please be causious in reading.

Also, a big thank you to Steph aka Littlegreenleaf for beta'ring this for me. Love you!

~~~***~~~

It shouldn’t have happened, not to anyone, not to his friend. Thoughts swirled around Elijah’s head as he sat morosely, never moving a muscle. Over the past few hours Elijah felt he’d gone through every emotion known to mankind and now all that was left was pure exhaustion, and a soul-eating sorrow. Oh, and the anger, he didn’t want to forget that. Yes, anger had become a permanent emotion in Elijah Wood. That was another signal things weren’t right. After all, Elijah never got angry.

He got upset, excitable, crazy, devastated, and became extremely annoyed, but he had never experienced sure pure, unadulterated fury. It had been eating him up and part of him was grateful for that constant anger: it at least meant he could still feel something, anything. He was surprised he wasn’t numb by now. God knows he’d like to be, but he couldn’t, nor really would he want to. It would mean giving up, and he couldn’t.

Elijah Wood didn’t give up on his friends.

***

Dominic’s eyes narrowed as he sat with the consultant. Strictly speaking, he shouldn’t be here as he wasn’t family, but he was the next best thing. Sure genes or blood didn’t relate him, but he was as close as any family, perhaps closer in some ways. Family you couldn’t choose. ‘Friends were the family you chose’, he remembered But now he couldn’t think about much at the moment. His mind kept repeating part of the conversation with the staff.

“He doesn’t have any family in America, they’re all in England. I’m his best friend ... Yeah we’re both from England ... I can act as family spokesperson....”

He was bitterly regretting that now. But he’d do it again and again, even knowing what was coming next. Yet that didn’t make the sickness any less. He’d practically had to bribe the staff to tell him what was happening. For God sake, his best friend could die, probably was dying, Dominic had had to see someone he loved lying on a floor not breathing and they wouldn’t tell him what was happening. Eventually he wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer and one of the doctors had taken pity on him, or at least got sick of his demands.

Dominic didn’t care which it was. All he wanted were answers. Was that really too much to ask? To hell with hospitals and their sodding protocols. Having to listen to the extent of the injuries, (many of which he already knew about) and the possible ramifications of the other more serious injuries, he felt rather sick. Dom had never been punched, well, not properly, but he was getting a good idea of what a solid hit in his gut would feel like.

Dominic prayed Elijah was doing better that him, but Dominic only had to hear what had happened. Elijah had to sit and watch their friend fighting for his life, unable to help. Elijah hated feeling helpless. That surely had to be worse, right? They’d been waiting for the ambulance (which Dominic was sure he been the longest period in his life. Couldn’t they have made it come any quicker?)

His mind completely numb, when Elijah had decided to finally come around. Of all the times that Elijah had been early it had to be this one. It had to be when Dom was clasping their dying friend’s hand. He hadn’t heard the wine bottle shatter. All he remembered was seeing Elijah’s face as the colour drained away. He’d never seen that before, thought it only happened in stories, or lame movies, but then he’d never been in this situation before. It had almost been surreal.

Dom had to become harsh with Elijah and to keep him from becoming hysterical; explaining the ambulance was on its way ... but Elijah’s face… He silently thanked God that Elijah didn’t have to hear this. He liked to pretend Elijah was still innocent, that he was still the ‘baby’ of the group. It was all bull of course. The last four years of their lives had pretty much striped away the vast majority of the naivety that much- loved innocence. But despite that, Dom always thought Elijah still maintained some small part of his innocence- that small stubborn part that believed in people, that could hope for the best, that was something he though that Elijah would always have, or was, until what he saw today.

It was almost as if Dom could see that last vestiges of Lij’s innocence slip away from him, as the colour faded, recognition burning in the startling blue eyes. Dom mourned the loss. He never wanted his friend to see that. He never wanted to see that…

“I hesitate to bring this up, but I think it’s best you know-“ the doctor began cautiously.

Hesitate? Now you bloody hesitate?! Dominic almost yelled. She’d hardly spared him any of the other details so why the hell would she care about this ‘sensitive piece of information?!’ Even in his anger he knew it wasn’t her fault. She was being professional, calm and in control. Out of all the doctor’s she’d been the nicest and seemed to care the most. What was her name? He found he couldn’t remember anything. His mind had seemed to collapse upon itself. He wondered if she had dealt with many cases like this. Surely she must have - she was a doctor, but Dominic wasn’t. He’d never had to deal with this, not on any personal level. He’d read about it… heard about it. But it never happened to people he knew. Especially not like this. Forcing himself back to the present, he listened to Ms Doctor.

“I have put Mr. Bloom on suicide watch, just as a precaution.”

WHAT?! Oh please no. Orlando could barely move. Surely they didn’t think…he wouldn’t…not again. This was too much, it has to be a surreal nightmare. Dom couldn’t lose him, not now, definitely not like this. Oh no, loss was not an option. He’d sworn to look after him and he would, by any means necessary.

***

He was normally a morning person. Really he was, but even Mr. ‘Bright N Early’ didn’t appreciate a phone call at the crack of dawn. He was trying to finish his latest canvass, and he really didn’t want any interruptions. There were some times when Viggo just needed to be alone, be at one with his art. This was one of those times. He was finding it difficult to concentrate with the obnoxious ringing. He really had to remind himself to unplug the phone one of these days. Fortunately the answer machine picked it up.

“Hi this is Viggo Mortensen. I’m either out or in my studio painting. Please leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible”

beep…

“Viggo! Viggo Mortensen! Pick up the bloody phone!”

It was Dominic. Viggo frowned. Why on earth would Dominic Monaghan be ringing at this time of the morning? In fact, why was he ringing period? Everyone knew how much Dominic hated mornings, in fact Viggo had long ago secretly doubted the former hobbit knew what ‘A.M.’ meant, strange that he still thought of Dominic in those terms. Old habits obviously died hard. He would have grinned at that, recalling long forgotten memories, but Dominic’s tone made him uneasy. He sounded furious and, worst of all, scared. The Dominic he’d know didn’t get scared.

“Viggo pick up the fucking phone! Sod your stupid fucking painting or whatever. I have to talk to you NOW! It’s a fucking emergency! I don’t have time for all your artsy crap. Answer me Goddamnit!!”

Dom’s voice was quickly growing more intense in volume and anger. Not surprising really. After all he and Dominic hadn’t parted on the friendliest of terms, to put it mildly, not that he could blame Dominic for that. He was the one who’d irrevocably screwed up... Sighing, Viggo put down his paintbrush and walked over to the phone, knowing Dominic, even after the enforced silence of the past few years, wouldn’t let up until he’d spoken to him. Some things never changed. There was a strange comfort in that.

“Listen Mortensen, I’ll fucking wrench your head from your body if you don’t pi-“

“What’s wrong Dominic? You do realize this is the crack of dawn?” He thought it best to try and keep at least some attempt at civility.

“Yes I fucking do,” Dominic snapped, anger crackling in every inch of his voice. “I need you to get down to St. Mary’s Memorial hospital. Now.”

“St Mary’s? Dominic, what’s happened?” Viggo whispered, slowly sitting down, his voice sounding strangely choked.

His mind scrambled to decide on what possible reason Dominic would choose to ring him after all this time, and to go to a hospital of all places. Last time they’d met Dominic had almost punched him, so it would have to be something earth shattering for his former friend to call. That could only mean one thing...

There was only one person who Dominic would ring Viggo about and the Dane prayed to every god and divinity he heard of that he was wrong, even as a decided sick feeling settled on his stomach.

“Just…just get down here…” Dom growled.

He couldn’t explain why he was so mad. God damn it, why was Viggo still talking? Stupid fucking poet, always pondering things, weighing them up. He should already be driving to St Mary’s not asking stupid questions. He resented having to ring Viggo period, Elijah had flat out refused to ring Viggo, unwilling to leave his friend’s bedside to talk to a former friend, which had left Dominic to do the deed.

Normally, he would have taken Elijah’s attitude but under these circumstances...it was too much to try and argue with the man. Dominic was desperate and, while Viggo was one of the last people on earth he wanted to see right now, he was also the one person that could possibly help in this situation. And as much as Dom hated it, Orlando came first. He just prayed they would forgive him for this.

“Damn it Dominic, what the hell is going on?! Who’s hurt?!”

“…Orlando. H-he tried to kill himself.”

****

Viggo Mortensen was not a violent man. He’d never hit anyone and never threatened or deliberately harmed anyone, but that was about to change today.

Viggo could feel an anger unlike any he’d ever known coursing through his veins and he welcomed it. All because of one man – Orlando - his beautiful Orli, who was lying on a hospital bed on fucking suicide watch. Because of Orlando, Viggo felt the alien urge to kill someone. And this wasn’t irrational anger; no, it was cold, hard fury directed at one target: whoever had driven Orlando to this desperate act.

He wasn’t a fool, Orlando wouldn’t do this for any reason. He’d been driven to this. Someone had done something to Orlando and, by God, they were going to suffer dearly for it. He wanted to be disgusted with himself, as images of violence danced through his head at wreaking a bloody vengeance for Orlando. But he couldn’t stop. Yet the thoughts neither soothed nor pacified him, only added to the fire. He felt like a wreck; God knows how Elijah and Dominic had coped with everything. To say Dom looked like the living dead was a terrible cliché but, unfortunately, an apt description. White chalk face, large, dark circles under blood-shot eyes, at least a day’s worth of stubble.

Under other circumstances and a million years ago he would have laughed at his …former… friend’s (God that hurt of think of Dom like that) appearance and guessed a hangover, but his eyes chilled him. Dom looked lost and frightened. All of the anger from earlier seemed to have seeped out of him, leaving an empty shell.

That had frightened Viggo as Dominic quietly handed him the coffee from the vending machine. None of them were hungry but it gave them something to do, something to look at besides each other. Dom had paced the waiting room a few times and then tried to fill Viggo in on the details that the doctor had told him without breaking down, which was proving a Herculean task in itself.

Elijah…Elijah just looked drained, deflated, as if all the life had been sucked out of him. He looked as if he’d…shrunk. It was obvious Elijah had been crying, large tears streamed down his face and his hair was mussed, half plastered to his head. When he hadn’t dashed outside for a cigarette he’d been relentlessly biting his nails, repeatedly pacing or jigging his knee, anything to try and take his mind off Orlando. It looked unnatural for two men as lively and fun loving as Dom and Lij. How long had it been since he’d called them that? That they’d all been together? They shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t be worried sick about Orlando. Hell, Orlando shouldn’t be here.

None of them belonged here, but it didn’t change the facts. Viggo couldn’t bear to think of the horror his friends had been going through for the past 24 hours. Yes, he still thought of them as friends, although he doubted the feelings were returned and it was entirely his fault. They had once been the Fellowship, a true one, bonded in love, yet he’d broken it. He deserved to be hated. He’d heard it had been Dom who had found Orlando sprawled on the bathroom floor, numerous bottles surrounding him, only to have Elijah barrel in ten minutes later. To make matters worse, Orlando had cut along one of his wrists. Presumably, he lost consciousness before he could do the same to the other one. It was clear that it was no accident. Orlando had intended to kill himself, either by an overdose, or if that failed, by slitting his wrists. Viggo shuddered. Because of this, Orlando, once he’d had his stomach pumped and his cuts sewn up – all ‘normal procedure’, was put on suicide watch, like some fucking criminal. The doctors called it ‘standard procedure’, Viggo thought it was disturbing and the last thing a suicide victim wanted.

‘Suicide victim’. What a horrible phrase…so clinical. Not a word he’d have ever applied to Orlando. It appeared Orlando had apparently regained consciousness about two hours ago but was in so much pain he’d very quickly been heavily sedated again. He’d yet to regain consciousness again and that had been several hours ago. That worried Viggo, the longer he was unconscious the greater the risk.

Orlando was lucky – according to the doctors, anyway. He could’ve been brain damaged or...dead. Viggo didn’t find that line of thoughts reassuring. He never should’ve been here in the first place. What had Orlando thought when he…he…the words were too horrible to even think let alone say. Was he ashamed? Angry? Betrayed? Viggo didn’t know. Just like he didn’t know why Orlando had tried so thoroughly to kill himself. And part of him, selfishly, didn’t want to know.

In the ten years he’d known the young Brit he was pretty sure he’d known Orlando Bloom, inside and out. He was a young man full of sunshine and laughter, a man who loved people unconditionally and fully embraced life and stood up for his beliefs. This man lying here wasn’t Orlando-not the man who’d always refused to be beaten no matter what life had thrown at him, who was simply too stubborn to give up, not like this almost broken creature lying on the bed.

He could still remember how he’d been almost awestruck by Orlando when he first met him. The guy had been like a hyperactive chipmunk, barely able to keep still, a grin so big Viggo felt sure it couldn’t be natural. With those oh-so angelic looks he’d been the perfect partner in crime for the deceptively innocent looking quartet of Elijah, Dominic, Sean and Billy. Viggo had been less than certain that this…exuberant young Brit could pull off the role of Legolas, but when he saw the giggling sunbeam change to the elegant, calm regal elf with barely a blink he felt suitably impressed.

It frankly had stunned Viggo, who’d spent hours getting inside Aragorn’s head, exploring his motivations, getting his mannerisms just right, and here was this young, mohawked colt who could slip between a bungee jumping daredevil and an aloof, calm elf in the blink of an eye. If he hadn’t adored Orlando from the moment they met, he might’ve been very jealous. But no one was jealous of Orlando. Everyone loved him – co-stars, make up people, stuntees and extras. And rightly so because Orlando, more than anyone, was worthy of being so loved. He took nothing for granted, his affection and enthuasim knowing no bounds.

It soon became obvious that Orlando would be one of the biggest stars from the Rings films. Sure enough, Ned Kelly and Pirates of the Caribbean came immediately after. Troy, Haven, Kingdom of Heaven, Elizabethtown, Pirates 2 & 3 ... to name just a few. Despite avidly following Orlando’s skyrocketing carrier, Viggo had eventually lost track of the number of films Orlando had worked on in the following years. He’d changed from an excitable young man to a confident actor, yet somehow still remained incredibly grounded.

By the age of 29 he’d won an Oscar for Best Actor, and had been nominated for his second Oscar, which he also won. At 30 no one could say he was just another ‘Hollywood pretty boy’. And now at 32, he was recovering from an attempted suicide. So what had gone wrong?

He tried to think of the last time that he’d seen Orlando…it would have been at the reunion. Had there been any signs then? Would he have noticed if there were? Of course there were no answers to his questions. It felt as if his very heart had been ripped out; he wanted to scream and cry whether at himself or Orlando he couldn’t be sure. But more than anything he wanted to ask why. Why had Orlando tried to kill himself? Why did he feel his life had become so unbearable? Why didn’t he go to Dom or Elijah if he couldn’t come to him? Why did he want to hurt his friends so much? Why?!?

Of course he would never ask Orlando those questions. He couldn’t imagine the pain Orlando had been going through. The cameras, interviewers, nor his numerous costars had not seen it. Could it have been that easy to miss, or had Orlando been holding up a flashing neon sign for help the entire time, and no one had noticed?

***

Viggo knocked gently before entering the room. He hesitated at the door, trying desperately to find some excuse for not going in. Orlando was in there, hurt and lost and he couldn’t work up the nerve to go in. What the hell was wrong with him? Oh, he knew what was wrong, but he didn’t want to admit it-to face the reality he’d been avoiding for the past five years. He was partly responsible for Orlando’s condition. Of course he hadn’t directly caused it, but he’d helped chip away at Orlando. He’d started everything...

*** begin flashback ***

Orlando grinned at Viggo as he splashed the American with water. “You’re nuts you know that?” Viggo grinned.

“And you love me for it,” smirked Orlando, sticking out his tongue. Still garbed in Legolas’s costume, ears and wig, Orlando looked absolutely adorable and utterly bizarre. The Elf was always so poised, so graceful that at times Viggo almost forgot it was Orlando underneath. To see ‘Legolas’ acting - well, cheekily was, frankly, quite funny.

“Yeah I do,” Viggo whispered, as he found himself gazing at the elf... his elf. When did Orlando become his? He was old enough to be Orlando’s dad for God sake! But unfortunately that’s not what heart nor his body were saying.

Orlando was undeniably gorgeous, even if he didn’t seem to notice it. He wanted that beauty for himself, to call his own. He wanted to possess and claim Orlando as his. He couldn’t count the number of times he’d gone to sleep with Orlando’s name on his lips or dancing through his head. Of course Orlando loved him, but Orlando loved everyone. His easy affectionate manner had immediately attracted Viggo to him. Beside his physical attributes Orlando’s love and joy was a breath of fresh air in comparison to habitually jaded, cynical youths. To see Orlando and the hobbits so full of joy and laughter was truly an amazing thing.

Oh, how he’d like to say he really knew Orlando and know all the stupid, insignificant things couples knew about each other. He wished he knew exactly how to please Orlando or even how he looked in his sleep. But Orlando didn’t belong to him and never would. Not in the way Viggo wanted him to. Orlando looked up to him, admired and respected him. Orlando had lost his father at a young age and Viggo had become almost a surrogate father, not intentionally but at times the urge to protect Orlando was almost overwhelming.

He felt wicked having such lustful thoughts about his young companion who trusted him and believed he was the calm controlled Viggo, and Viggo didn’t want to shatter Orlando’s perception and betray his trust. But it didn’t change his feelings. Viggo’s mind drifted briefly to the book “Lolita” – yes, Orlando was like a male Lolita, innocent and unconsciously seductive, dangerous and absolutely irresistible. Ignoring the voice of reason and responsibility in his head, Viggo leaned forward and kissed the young man.,

The moment his lips touched Orlando’s he internally cursed himself, was he trying to ruin their friendship...stupid old man.

To his surprise, Orlando didn’t struggle or back away. He didn’t tell him he was a filthy pervert or to get a life or even laugh at Viggo. Orlando did the one thing Viggo never would have expected ... he wrapped his arms around Viggo, pulling him closer as the kiss deepened. Oh, people would have a field day if they saw this yet, Viggo couldn’t find it in himself to even care. He’d wanted to do this for so long and the fact that Orlando was willing nearly made his brain shut down.

No more thoughts. He let himself melt into the sensations, the taste of Orlando’s mouth, the texture of his tongue ... it was too much. Almost. When they eventually broke apart for air, Viggo opened his mouth to apologize, but Orlando smiled and ran his figures through Viggo’s hair. They were still close, still touching.

”You have no idea how long I’ve waited for that,” Orlando whispered, gazing into Viggo’s eyes, tracing his check gently, before moving in to kiss him again.

*** end flashback ***

He and Orlando had become lovers. It hadn’t been hard; in fact it had been terrifyingly easy to fall in love with Orlando, with Legolas, with Middle Earth. Viggo had had only a couple of flings with men in the past but nothing major and Orlando had even less experience. Zero to be exact.

He was amazed at how well they’d fit together, as if they just were molded specifically for one and other. He’d wanted to keep their relationship private, at least while they adjusted to the situation, but unfortunately Elijah had discovered them and, he had to immediately tell Dom, who had then dutifully informed Billy and Astin that their best friend had fallen for Viggo, much to their delight.

Things got worse when Liv overheard big-mouthed Elijah, and being equally gossipy and nosey, had quickly passed the information on to Miranda, Ian and Beanie amid much joyous squealing between the two women. Ever the devoted friend, Beanie promptly informed John, Karl and Hugo with great glee (too much in Viggo’s opinion). Ian unfortunately had done one better and took this as red to tell everyone on the set. Bloody nosey wizard! He might as well announce it on the local news station! He could just see it now:

An exculsive annoucement from your Middle Earth Gossip Correspondant Ian M! "I'm delighted to annouced our rugged ranger of many names, Viggo Mortensen, is now offically shacked up and shagging our gorgeous Prince of Mirkwood, Orlando Bloom. We all offer our heartfelt congradulations, fellicitations and if possible a pair of binoculars to watch. On a more sombre note, I would like to extent my heartfelt condolenses to Gimli and Arwen. Better like next time darlings!

Within three days of their relationship, all of the ‘Fellowship’ and at least half a dozen major cast members knew. Miranda and Karl had offered an embarrassed Orlando a pair of bright pink pants in celebration. Ian had informed Orlando, should he need any advice or tips whatsoever, hint-hint that he shouldn’t hesitate in seeking him out, and would be waiting to offer comfort, should anything go wrong with Viggo.

Hugo, never one to miss out on a humiliating opportunity, had then recited a (deliberately) long, boring speech for Aragorn and Legolas, intoning ritual and tradition, blah-blah-blah, in his best ‘Agent Smith/Lord Elrond Stern Doom Voice’ followed by an exceedingly dirty limerick.
For some reason, Viggo never fully understood why all the women on set, including Fran and the make-ups, seemed to flock to Orlando afterwards, being almost motherly in their affection, although the flirting sadly did not stop, even if now they knew ‘their Orli’ was now off the market.

Indeed, it had been quite a sight to see so many grown women clucking about Orlando and looking after him and to make sure Viggo took care of Orlando when Orlando didn’t take care of himself.

Viggo had quickly learned not to argue with them, as Sean had helpfully pointed out, they could be quite an intimidating bunch when you crossed them.

All the Rings cast had given their universal blessing and approval, Viggo was cocooned in the protective and complete love of Orlando and their friends, everything was perfect. But of course Viggo couldn’t leave well enough alone. He’d had to go and irreparably fuck things up.

Ever the ‘tortured artist’ he’d kept questioning their relationship, trying to find holes and chinks. Eventually convinced the outside world would never accept them, he broke up with Orlando, breaking his heart in the process and that was something he would never forgive himself for.

*** flashback ***

Orlando gently kissed Viggo, grinning. He was perfectly content, but then why wouldn’t he be? Orlando loved and was loved unreservedly. He didn’t hold back or question things, which Viggo envied to an extent.

“Orlando, we have to talk.” Oh, those dreaded four words; the four words that always signaled the Beginning of the End. Orlando’s face was marred with confusion, and more than a little worry.

“What’s wrong Vig? Something’s upsetting you. Please tell me,” he whispered, pressing another kiss behind Viggo’s ear. Managing to somehow stifle a gasp, he pulled Orlando back gently. He wasn’t sure he could do this…

“No Orlando, stop it. I’m serious. It’s about the future, our future.” That got Orlando’s attention.

“Look Vig, I know we talked about this, but really ... I don’t see what all the fuss is about. All the publicity for the Rings is over, so why would anyone care?”

“Orlando, be serious for five fucking minutes! Of course people care! They’d wonder why we’re still hanging around each other, the movies are over-”

“So what? Because the movies are over we can’t be seen in public together, because of what strangers and the press think?!” Orlando demanded, immediately pulling away from Viggo
Oh God, he’d upset Orlando, the one thing he’d swore to himself never to do. That really wasn’t his intension. He’d wanted to make this quick and painless. Of course that was foolish thinking - there was no way this would be easy, or gentle. Break-ups never were, he’d learnt that from bitter experience.

“No! It’s just ... God ... Orlando just think about it for a second. You’re a hot young actor. Offers are already pouring in for you and you deserve that. Do you really want all that to go down the drain because people aren’t as tolerant as you think? Even Hollywood discriminates against gays or bi’s, no matter how liberal they pretend to be. Why can’t you see that?”

“Ian’s been OK,” Orlando whispered.

“Ian was an old man with a well established reputation when he came out. You’re young, about to break into Hollywood. They’ll be touting you the next big leading man. Your being with me is the last thing you need.”

“Our relationship ... you think we’re that much of a mistake? Thanks for being so honest.” Orlando whispered, his voice cracking slightly. Viggo sighed, frustrated as he ran his hand through his hair. How could Orlando be so blind over this?

“Look, face facts. I really don’t think you understand the full implications of coming out. You’re coming out to the nation, not just your family and friends, and even they might not be OK with it. Everyone will know, and the people you love could be targeted by homophobes ... or ... or militant anti-gay groups. Society is vicious Orlando, why don’t you see that? Gay or bisexual people can pretend being ‘out’ is great. It’s not. Why do you think I never came out? It’s not just you who will be hounded; it’s everyone you care about - your mum, Sam or Henry or…God… even the Hobbits. They could all be targeted simply because they’re friends with a gay person, this affects everyone not just us. We can’t do that to them.”

“It’s not against the law to be gay Viggo! I haven’t committed a crime, despite what you seem to think. I’m sorry if I don’t understand the ‘gay code of conduct’ if there was a manual I’d fucking read it!” Orlando spat, fury welling up within him, while his heart was screaming. What was happening here, to them?

“You know, this is kind of new to me. I’d never even fancied a guy until I met you. It’s not like I had any choice in the matter either ... I didn’t exactly plan on who I’d fall in love with. Perhaps I would’ve chosen a woman if I could, it would’ve been bloody easier! Do you really think I’m so selfish that I’d put people’s lives in danger?! I love Henry like he was my own, and he doesn’t care! Exene, your ex-wife doesn’t care. She gave you her blessing for God sake! Sam can take care of herself, as can the hobbits. They’re not babies Viggo, and if anyone tried to hurt any one of them, I’d be ready to beat the shit out of them, along with the rest of the Fellowship and you know that.”

Taking a breath, attempted to reign in his anger Orlando, give Viggo some time to respond, but no defenses came forth from his lover’s lips. A feeling a dread welled up in Orlando, as he struggled to determine how they had suddenly got to this point, why Viggo had never talked about him before now, instead trying to pick a fight with him.

“It’s my job to entertain people Viggo and I love doing it, but it doesn’t give them, or you, for that matter, the right to dictate how I live my life,” Orlando ranted, tears beginning to form in his eyes.

”I love you, and I want you to be a part of my life Viggo. Why can’t you just accept that? Isn’t my love enough? Am I not enough?” the insecure note in Orlando’s voice made Viggo want nothing more than to take Orlando in his arms, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t back down now.

“I’m sorry Orlando, I just can’t. I won’t expose Henry or you to such hate. You’ve got too much innocence to lose; I don’t ever want to see that go, even if it means we can’t be together-”

“What?! Hang on a second…You’re breaking up with me? When did this suddenly happen?” Orlando gasped.

He couldn’t believe this was happening. Where was all this coming from? Yes Viggo had been more distant lately and getting annoyed easily but he couldn’t be serious about this, could he? Tears began to streak down Orlando’s face and Viggo had to turn away.

“My career? You think I give a damn about that if I have to loose you? Yes, I want to act, God it’s what I’ve always wanted to do but not at this price. Do you think I’m that shallow? That fame hungry?”

“I never said that…” He couldn’t meet Orlando’s eyes, couldn’t see the hurt that he had inflicted on the younger man. “I know how much these films mean to you. Acting’s in your blood Orlando, I can see that. You can’t give that up because of me. I won’t let you.”

“You don’t have to do this Viggo, there are ways we could work around it…long distance or…I could do theatre instead…or …we could work something out Viggo. I don’t want to do this. I can’t do it! I love you!”

“I’m sorry, we can’t do this anymore Orlando. I can’t. You need to move on Orlando. We don’t live in Middle Earth, no matter how much we wish, we’ve been spoiled here, no one’s going to be that accommodating to us in the outside world. This isn’t real life Orli, we’ve got to let it go and move on. Find someone who’s your age, someone who can really be with you. Please don’t fight me Orlando…I don’t want to do this, but Hollywood is cruel-”

“Hollywood is cruel? What about you? You’re breaking up with me because of what people think ... people you don’t even know! You never used to care what people think. When did you change? Was it something I did?” Viggo couldn’t answer that.

The accusations hurt even more because they were true. Things had changed between them. Viggo had changed and that couldn’t be denied. Each passing day grew he more worried. He saw the gossip magazines, the rumours…people already thought something was going on between them.
He also wasn’t blind to the current events sweeping the world. Intolerance was gaining a footing again. The current government had their own morality bigoted agenda to thrust onto the unwilling, and at times, unwitting populace, and he didn’t want to be a part of that. To watch Orlando be attacked, if only verbally for simply being who he was, for holding a man’s hand rather than a woman’s.

He refused to see Henry be bullied at school for having a ‘fag dad’, or to put his son in a position where which made him lash out at a taunting fellow student, but how could he tell Orlando that, make him see that no matter how much love was there, sometimes that wasn’t enough. Love did not solve everything.

Unable to say anything in his defense, Orlando shook his head, tears running down his face and he continued his tirade

“You’ve ripped out my heart and then you want me to just move on - wham, bam, thanks. Is that it? Was I just a set fling? I gave you everything Viggo, and you throw it back in my face. Hollywood might be cruel, but you’re a selfish fucking bastard, Mortensen, I’ll never forgive you for this. Never.” Orlando whispered. Grabbing his coat, Orlando ran out of his flat and out of Viggo’s life.

He felt his shoulders sag and tears began to form in his eyes. He’d quickly brushed them away, he wasn’t allowed to cry. It was for the best and he’d done what he had to. But after seeing Orlando’s horror stricken face he’d never felt like such a complete bastard in his life.

*** end flashback ***

Viggo tried to tell himself it was right. Orlando’s career had immediately taken off and despite a backlash from the critics who had decided to scathingly brand him the “next talentless Boy Wonder” who seemed to take personal issue with Orlando’s seemingly effortless rise into Hollywood’s elite, when Viggo knew that it would have been anything but effortless.
Even his most determined naysayers were eventually silence when Orlando managed to win two Oscars within four years, an honour very few actors could boast. In later years, he’d helped produce and even direct a few of his later films most of which met with much critical and box office acclaim. Orlando had most definitely ‘made it’.

Shortly after Orlando began filming Pirates of the Caribbean, he started dating an American actress, Kate something-or-other, there were too many pretty blonds in the Hollywood machine to keep track of in Viggo’s opinion. She was a ‘budding scarlet’, pretty, petite and blond. They looked good together-the ideal ‘Hollywood couple’ and were soon promoted as the “It Couple” papers were excitedly claiming. Rumours of engagements and even pregnancies had flew around for months, everyday there was something new about them. Viggo felt sick.

He hated Kate-hated she had what he didn’t, that she could hold his hand at a premiere without fear, that they could kiss and everyone would accept it. Because they were normal their love was allowed. Because he’d given Orlando to her. They were a popular couple, Orlando seemed happy and Viggo’s wishes for Orlando had come true, yet had it been anything but a hollow victory?

For the first few months, the Fellowship had been completely stunned by their break-up. They’d been convinced that Viggo and Orlando were soul mates, although not, Ian quickly pointed out, the bastardized, tacky version Hallmark and their ilk tried to milk out, the one couple who’d make it. They closed ranks and tried to support both, at least until they heard the truth of the break-up.

After hearing the details, the Hobbits had immediately gone on the offensive and proclaimed Viggo as the Spawn of Satan, which frankly, he felt like. They’d immediately formed a protective circle around Orlando, shielding him for anyone else who would seek to harm their elf, Viggo was glad Orlando had such dedicated friends.

The others, particularly Ian, Liv, and Bean had tried to be more objective, even after Viggo had unhappily confessed that he’d ended the relationship. Bean hadn’t been judgemental, but he’d definitely not been happy. More than anyone, Sean was well verse in break-ups. Liv was extremely upset and torn with the events, and had eventually more or less sided with Orlando. She loved Viggo and didn’t ostracize him like others did, but ultimately, she’d been unable to desert her beloved fellow elf.

Ian had out right condemned Viggo as a great fool, but had not been angry, just greatly saddened. Even Henry was upset by the breakup. The excuse of protecting Henry had held no weight with his son and he’d sharply told his dad that he’d ‘totally insulted him’, acting like both he and Orlando were too stupid, young and foolish to cope with bigoted minds. Viggo was ashamed and had no reply to that.

It was at a Rings anniversary party a few years later, organized by Elijah and Liv, that he’d run into Orlando again, despite his every effort not to. He was pleased to note that Orli was still close with all the Hobbits. He’d heard that the months after their break-up had been extremely hard on Orli. But he hadn’t asked for details from Ian. And that’s also when Orlando met Mark, Orlando’s new boyfriend. Kate had now become a close friend, their relationship having fizzled out. The reunion was buzzing with the news that Orlando had recently been nominated for his first Oscar (which he would later win) and was tipped as a hot favourite.

To Viggo’s amazement and chagrin, Orlando had come out six months prior to the reunion just before he started dating Mark. And after the evitable anti gay backlash things eventually settled and seemed to make little difference to his career.

Of course there had been homophobic comments, religious rants and anti-gay sentiments, some of it very harsh, making Viggo cringe and fume with anger at the insults being hurled at Orlando. He’d wanted to ring Orlando up and offer his support but had always held back. He had no experience of what Orlando was going through, so how could he help? No doubt it had been extremely tough on Orlando but, to his credit, he never backed down.

Typically Orlando refused to insult or throw names at those who had insulted him and Viggo had to admire his courage and found himself ashamed of his own fear of coming out. Maybe Orlando was right, maybe Hollywood didn’t care because the movie offers kept coming as fast as before, and the audiences kept spending their hard-earned money at the box office. He was still a clear favourite with the ladies, frequently topping their ‘who’s hottest’ polls; in fact, being gay, or rather bisexual, seemed to only have enhanced his sex appeal and bankability, not to mention his pulling power.

He’d heard Elijah explain at the party that, apparently, women found all sexy, incredibly gorgeous gay/bi men irresistible ... something about being ‘tender, and non-threatening’. Very little had seemed to change about Orlando’s life and career. The only difference now was that Orlando had a healthy legion of men openly lusting and drooling after him, much to Viggo’s secret annoyance. He didn’t voice his opinions because he’d lost his right to.

When he came out, all his friends and family had staunchly stood by him and presented formidable adversaries for anyone who would dare insult him, even Kate, Orlando’s ex-girlfriend had publicly stated her affection and admiration for him. He’d heard they’d remained close friends, even after their split. He began to develop affection for Kate after that.

Even Orli’s ‘Hollywood’ friends, such as Johnny Depp, Eric Bana and Brad Pitt, didn’t seem to be at all fazed by having an openly gay friend and were willing to defend that friendship if need be.

When Eric had been snapped visiting Orlando for a social call, he had angrily growled at an interviewer who’d commented on him openly ‘hugging a gay man’. Eric had smoothly replied that Orlando was, in fact, bisexual and asked if he had a problem with that, the underlying warning visible. Wisely the interviewer had moved on with his questioning.

But their defenses were most evident during the shooting of second Pirates film, Dead Man’s Chest, when an obnoxious and notoriously bigoted journalist was visiting on set and tried to get Johnny to give his ‘true’ feelings on having an openly gay friend. He’d kept pestering them so much, Orlando had gotten sick of the man and had walked away, clearly pissed off, but hadn’t said anything. Keira, thoroughly disgusted stalked off after Orlando to comfort him, but not before using a few expletives that made even the seasoned stunt-crew blush.

Johnny had become so angry that he’d almost hit the reporter. Fortunately security turned up at Gore’s request and ‘escorted’ the offending journalist away, it had taken very little encouragement from Johnny for Gore to ban the journalist from the set after hearing the events that had unfolded. When interviewed about his now ‘famous’ defense of Orlando, Johnny had merely shrugged, replying he didn’t appreciate his friends being hassled.

At the premiere, Johnny, Keira and Orlando had been as affectionate as they were the first time around, if not more so and it was obvious that Orlando proved you could be out and be successful without being cast as the ‘token camp man’ or the ‘gay but asexual best friend’.

It was at the same reunion party that Liv, who’d by then forgiven Viggo for hurting ‘her Orlando’, told Viggo just how hurt Orli had been after their break-up-how he’d not eaten properly, worked like crazy and barely slept. She hadn’t wanted to hurt Viggo but wanted him to understand the foolishness of his actions. According to Elijah, whom he overheard, it was thanks to Kate that he’d been properly looked after. Their relationship hadn’t been a media stunt or planned in any way, contrary to what some people in the media had rather snidely stated soon after he came out, but it had been what Orlando needed at the time. Kate knew she was never going to be the Great Love of Orlando’s life, but she was OK with that.

She’d helped Orlando get back on his feet and, unsurprisingly, he’d proved a very devoted and loving boyfriend. Their split had been a mutual decision. The only thing that had really changed after their split was that they no longer shared a bed, so it hadn’t been a gut wrenching angst on either’s part. They frequently turned up at each other’s films, even went to dinner together several times. Viggo had been jealous, even after he’d heard of their split.

Then darling Mark came along, Orlando’s current boyfriend of four years, and still going strong. Viggo knew little about the man, except Mark was some sort of fight expert whom Orlando met while filming Kingdom of Heaven. He’d come to Elijah’s reunion party and seemed to get on with everyone, but Viggo had hated him on sight.

He seemed all wrong for Orlando, of course the ‘wrongness’ simply boiled down to Mark not being him. It should’ve been Viggo holding Orlando’s hand and kissing him at those premieres, he should’ve been there to support Orlando wining those awards, but he wasn’t and now Mark was the man in Orlando’s life, the one he turned to. Viggo had wanted to wrench them apart that evening, to reject Orlando’s new choice of partner, but that was Orlando’s choice, his call.

Orlando had been polite to Viggo, excessively so, but he’d clearly held his distance and never once touched him, not even giving Viggo a hug that Orli was famous for. That had hurt Viggo but he didn’t say anything. He lost that right because he was the one who had dumped Orli. He briefly wondered where this Mark was, surely he should be here for Orlando in his hour of need, playing the role of the devoted boyfriend? Viggo was pretty convinced that they were still together, there had been no break-up reports, so why the hell wasn’t he here?

What he couldn’t understand was why hadn’t Dominic or Elijah rang Mark instead of ringing him? Surely that would have made more sense, what the hell was Viggo supposed to do that Mark apparently couldn’t…unless, of course, Mark had something to do with why Orlando was here. But that was impossible. Orlando couldn’t have…he’d never let that happen to him, he had too much respect for himself to ever be hurt in that way, and people loved Orlando, they were drawn to him. Why would anyone want to hurt him?

Besides it was impossible to keep things like that hidden-not from the ever prying media and even nosier friends. No it couldn’t be…that. Viggo stood at the door holding his breath. Beyond the door lay Orlando, one of the most important people in his life and he couldn’t even work up the courage to walk in. Before he could make a decision Elijah opened the door, standing face to face with Viggo.

“Are you actually going to come in, or run away? Don’t worry. I doubt Orlando would notice. He hasn’t really noticed much being unconscious and all,” Elijah added, a bitter tinge to his voice.

He found he couldn’t look at Orlando’s damaged body knowing he played some role in Orlando being where he was now. “H-how is he?” Viggo whispered as he gazed, almost hypnotized, at Orlando’s still form. Elijah glared at the wall but kept silent, clearly biting back a sarcastic comment:

‘Gee Viggo, he’s great. Really. I mean Orlando’s lying in a hospital bed in a possible coma after trying to kill himself. But don’t worry, Viggo, he’ll soon be the fun loving Orli we all know; he’ll bounce right back. Everything will be fine, it always is, because he’s Orlando.’

”Do they know when he’ll wake up?” Viggo asked quietly.

”I don’t know; you’ll have to ask Dom. The doctors talked to him. They guessed maybe in a few days, but it could be months or even years. His head took most of the impact, when he fell,” Elijah replied.

He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t hold himself together in front of Viggo. He couldn’t take it anymore. The stress and worry had been eating him up.

“Not that it really matters anyway,” he muttered, looking away. He didn’t want to break down in front of Viggo Mortensen. Viggo sharply turned his head.

“Of course it matters! Orlando matters. He always has,” Viggo growled.

”Why are you here?” Elijah asked bluntly. “You haven’t seen Orli in what, five…six years? For all you know, it could have been just a broken arm or his back playing up. You remember how accident-prone your little Orli was. Why come rushing in? Why now?” There was a tone of bitter mocking that he couldn’t fail to miss. Viggo immediately stiffened at the accusation.

”Dominic just told me Orlando was in the hospital, that he’d tried to kill himself. What was I supposed to do? And I’d always come no matter what happened. I still… care about Orlando. He’s my friend, first and foremost, and nothing will ever change that.” Elijah didn’t look impressed.

Strange way you’ve got of showing it Elijah thought, mentally snorting. Six years of nothing – no calls or contact and now you show up and want to fix things? Well bravo Viggo. How fucking considerate of you. What a champ.

“Not even if Orlando tried to kill himself?” Elijah asked caustically, not sparing Viggo. To his way of thinking Viggo was partly responsible for Orlando’s hospitalization and he wasn’t going to let Viggo forget that.

“If he got so sick and tired of his life; if his pain got so bad, so unbearable that he turned his back on it, and just gave up? Face it Viggo ... you don’t know Orlando anymore. The Orlando you knew, your Orli, never would have tried to kill himself. He was in love – with you and with life. He was happy. He’s different now. He gave up.” Elijah wanted to be angry, he wanted to rage and scream, but he didn’t. He moved closer to Orlando.

”Look at him Viggo. Really look. This is the real Orlando.”

Unconsciously, Elijah brushed a loose strand of hair from Orlando’s forehead, while he took his hand. For the first time Viggo did exactly that; he looked at Orlando. He saw the bruises, the cuts and scars. The swollen black eye, the white, drawn skin, the frail, powerless body lying so unnaturally still. He took in the breathing respirators and the heart monitors, the tubes running in and out of Orlando. He felt himself shatter. Sinking down in the hospital chair, he took a deep, shuddering breath.

“It hurts, doesn’t it,” Elijah said. It wasn’t a question. There was no malice attached to it; it was just a statement.

“To see Orlando like this, to feel so helpless. He never stopped loving you after you left Viggo. Not with Kate or with Mark. Kate could accept that; she understood and that’s why they’re still friends. Mark couldn’t, and that’s why Orlando’s here,” Elijah finished with a whisper, biting back the tears that had threatened for so long.

The horrific full meaning of Elijah’s words began to sink in. Orlando’s abuse was his fault. Mark was jealous of Viggo and had taken it out on Orlando. For the first time in over five years, Viggo let himself cry.