vigorli

Title: *Thief Smirk Mode* © 2006 by Myr Juhl
Part: 1/1
Author: Myr
E-mail: juhlrech@mail.tele.dk
Fandom: LOTR
Type: RPS
Rating: G – absolutely harmless and maybe even funny...
Cast: Viggo /Orlando
Disclaimer: OK, I have to admit that a joke I heard when I was a child inspired me, but otherwise the fic is mine.
As always, these events never happened. This story is for entertainment purposes only, not profit. I, the author, make no claim through this work as to the fictional characters/ actual lives/ preferences/ activities of the people mentioned herein.
Summary: A boring day at the supermarket turns out hilarious as Viggo ‘borrows things’. If you want fun, you have to provide your own amusement.

Beta:

alexcat
/.../ Indicates thoughts.
Archive: http://www.livejournal.com/users/piximyr/
Archive requests please contact the author.

~*~

*Thief Smirk Mode*
By Myr

VIGGO’S POV

I’ve never been that keen on supermarkets. Just hearing the rustling sound when the doors slide behind me makes my skin crawl and the urge to yawn becomes uncanny. However, Orlando insisted. We were low on supplies, he said. Therefore, we had to go last Saturday.

I seriously fell asleep. Orlando had me and the trolley ‘parked’ beside a pile of sardines. I awoke with a jerk, as I was just about to hit the pile with my shoulder. The trolley rolled a few inches away so no worries. I embarrassed neither myself nor anyone else. I smirked. God, I sincerely hate supermarkets. I had to do something to survive this horrible visit somehow. The plan hit me like divine intervention.

Carefully, I looked around and there wasn’t anybody close by. Quickly I grabbed a tin of sardines and hid it in my hand. There’s nothing wrong with that. You’re very welcome to do that in a supermarket. Actually, that’s the whole reason for being in a supermarket, self-service! However, I had a different plan, right? Orlando was standing ten feet away apparently learning the declaration on a glass of spicy herring by heart. He was very cute, his lips reading along in concentration. So his attention wasn’t on me, I mean.

So here comes this lady. I smile pleasantly to her as she is nearing me, scanning the shelves in search for special offers. I dump the tin I had taken into her trolley. She didn’t notice! Now I’m wide a wake. I follow her with my eyes as she moves along. She picked a bag of rice and puts it on top of the tin of sardines without ever registering it at all!
Orlando came back to me and put some apples in our trolley. He sent me that ‘it-won’t-take-that-much-longer-now-honey, cheer up’ look. I didn’t mind now. /Take all the time you want, Orlando. I’m having fun now!/ I could see the whole thing running in my head as a movie ready to shoot.

Putting on my best Terminator look, I looked around the store. When the coast was clear, I grabbed a jar of Spanish peppers. One of the big ones of course, and I think I had to wait for about one minute before I found a buyer for the peppers. This woman came nearer wearing an impressive fur coat. She had no trolley but bore in her gloved hand a basket in which 4 tins of caviar lay. Russian, mind you.

Hm... it’s one thing to put a tin of sardines in a trolley passing by. It’s a completely whole different thing to dump a large jar of peppers in a basket carried by a real human. I was close to fainting from excitement. She came closer and closer... In a second, it was over. She had passed me, and I was still standing with the jar in my hand. The courage failed me in the end. I cursed inwardly. I took a deep breath. That God damned jar was going home with the caviar! I hurried around the refrigerated counter, passed the soda pops, butter and cheese and held my gaze steady pointed towards the innocent shelves. Then I drove my trolley directly towards the fur. She moved and put her basket on the floor and turned her back to it. Oh, man that was almost disappointingly easy.

Within the next five minutes, I ‘sold’ cranberry jam to a single guy with a moustache, cucumber salad to a lovely nurse who’d forgotten to shave her moustache! Six eggs, size B, found a new home in an Italian looking guy’s basket, where only garlic was present, so that was some achievement that he didn’t notice! OK. I took one look at Orlando, who still wandered around thinking up supper for seven days.

/Think big, Viggo,/ I thought. I dumped a fresh baked white bread in the basked of a mother looking for her child. I put four delicious Hereford steaks with American accent in a homeless trolley parked by the refrigerated counter. Lastly... I topped the day’s events of good deeds by placing an enormous, rock hard, ice cold and deep frozen goose down in a trolley. The trolley belonged to your typical snappy mother-in-law type. You see them all the time in cartoons. Other stuff from her trolley was soap powder and ginger ale. I lifted my eyebrows. Soap and ginger ale? On a weekend? Some party!
Finally, Orlando found me. He was carrying some lastly found articles.

"I think we’re done," he said.

I tried to look unconscious as I usually do at these occasions. I knew he hated when I did that. I don’t know if it worked. We neared the register area, and we had hardly found a place in the queue before we heard a woman’s voice.

"I’ve got no idea where that came from!" She argued a bit with the sales assistant, but in the end, she agreed to buy it.

"For God’s sake, let me pay for it!"

Orlando smiled vaguely. He hated unnecessary pauses in the queue. "What on earth was that all about"?

"Spanish peppers..." I guessed. He looked puzzled at me, and I quickly gave him a brilliant smile. He was used to me saying these strange things sometimes!

Next customer. Same ritual: "This must be a mistake. It could have fallen into my basket by mistake!"

Orlando began to take interest in the commotion further along the queue. I didn’t even wait for him to ask and just offered, "I’ll take that bread!" Orlando frowned and began to look slightly worried at me. However, thankfully he didn’t ask.

Shortly after it was my turn to look surprised, because in front of me was the man with the moustache. He began putting his groceries on the counter band. Without any hesitation, he put the jam along with the rest of the goods from his basket. It simply didn’t occur to him the least that something was wrong! Some guys - not Orlando mind you - just couldn’t remember what they came for and just accepted what was in their basket to make sure they had everything!

I could hardly breathe as I watched the nurse with sharp precise movements pick up the cucumber salad and put it amongst the rest of her purchase repertoire on the counter. I was shocked as I watched her pay and leave.

OK. Just in front of Orlando and I, the snappy Mother-in-law began lining up her groceries. I was so excited my body shook. Would she also try and pretend to herself that she had taken the goose without noticing doing it? That would be sensational if she did! Her hand stopped mid air right above the trolley. I stole a glance towards her to get her expression. Her face was pure wonder.

"Now this is something completely different," she mumbled. Very cautiously, she picked up the goose like some unexploded bomb. Then she read the declaration outside the foil as if she’d get the explanation from there.
The sales assistant waited very patiently to see how this turned out.

"Oh... um... huh... well..." Mother-in-law said.

"Yes?" the sales assistant said.

"I never took this... this..."

"No?" the sales assistant said close to sighing.

"I’ve never seen it before. I’ve never touched it before. I have no need for a duck!"

"It’s a goose..." Orlando mumbled. I had to bite my lip not to chuckle.

Mother-in-law turned and looked puzzled at Orlando, "It is?" We both nodded silently like Siamese twins.

The sales assistant said, "It’s a goose. It’s on sale. You sure it’s not yours, luv!"

Mother-in-law shuddered a second. "It’s ice cold."

"It’s deep frozen," Orlando said helpfully. I smiled. Orlando was obviously fascinated by the strangely many occurrences of failed purchases in the queue we happened to stand in.

"Do you want your goose?" the sales assistant asked. She clearly wanted the queue to move on.

"MY goose?" Mother-in-law stood in financially no woman’s land for a few seconds and then added, "I could invite my daughter and son-in-law for dinner..." I almost regretted not throwing in a bottle of wine too!

By now, I had really grown tired of my own joke, was just relieved when we got to pay, and could leave. We had reached half the distance to our car when suddenly I felt a heavy hand on my shoulder.

I swear I almost hit the person in the head with my elbow. He looked very serious. Orlando frowned and just looked at me.

He crossed his arms and his entire face was open as a book. He couldn’t care less about the obvious trouble I was in fore!

"Go on, Viggo, why don’t you."

"Can I have a word with you, sir?"

Orlando did go along as we went to the man’s office. I wasn’t so cocky anymore.

"It has been a rule of mine throughout my many years at managing this supermarket to keep an eye on the customers."

"Here we go..." Orlando rolled his eyes.

"I didn’t steel anything!" I quickly had to reassure him.

The manager pointed at a tiny peephole in the wall that had apparently a detective purpose. Then he looked at me directly saying, "How do you feel about coming back on Monday?"

Both Orlando and I looked puzzled at him.

"I can’t sell those Goddamn geese!"

End of Tale 15th of August 2003

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