vigorli

Title: Since You've Been Gone
Author:

soar38
Pairing: Vigorli
Rating: G
Summary: Orlando relates his life to music
Warnings: A bit dark and broody.
Author's Notes: This was written as part of the August Kelly Clarkson challege at the VOLA Slash group.
Disclaimer: Viggo and Orlando belong to themselves and I claim no intimate knowledge of their private lives. Lyrics belong to Kelly Clarkson and Martin Sandberg/Lukasz Gottwald who wrote the song.

The door slammed shut behind me, a reflection of my state of mind, but I didn't give a shit. I just wanted to get to my liquor cabinet and drown away my sorrows. I flipped on the stereo as I walked through the living room, ignoring the empty chill of a room long left dormant. I was here for a couple of week's downtime and I just didn't want to face another hotel, people constantly under foot, asking if I wanted anything. Hell, yes, I wanted something. I wanted to be left in peace.

As I poured myself a shot of whiskey, a tune came on the radio, its opening chords grabbing my attention.

Here's the thing we started off friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since U Been Gone

Yes, that was exactly right. We had started out as friends, back in New Zealand where life seemed so much simpler. He'd been the last one to arrive and wary of finding his place amongst our tight knit community. He shouldn't have worried. Everybody fell in love with him. I think I fell the hardest. He was smarter than that, though. He held his cards close to his chest, and none us knew what he was thinking or feeling. I agonized for so long over whether or not my affections could possibly have been returned.

Dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah Yeah
Since U Been Gone

He was like a gentleman at first, his courtship of me subtle enough so that even I was unsure of his intentions. We'd hang out together, him teaching me more of our shared craft and I always wondering what he got out of those times together. But he had a lot more patience than I did, and a lot more caution. He was prepared to take things as slowly as he could, never wanting to make that final step, for fear of rejection, for fear of screwing up our friendship and our working relationship.

When I'd found out how he felt, I decided to make the first move. We'd come together, after weeks of sexual tension had hit its peak, and our first time was rough, fast, explosive, but oh, so satisfying.

And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

We'd kept things quiet, wanting to savour this new relationship without interference from well-meaning friends. At least that's what I thought. But after weeks of being together, of sneaking off at every opportunity for a blow job on set, or long nights of intense love-making, I was ready to shout it from the rooftops, to share my love for this man.

But he insisted we keep it a secret. He said it would put Pete in an awkward position and that I understood, so we continued to sneak around.

But Since U Been Gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since U Been Gone

I felt my blood thrumming through my veins in reaction to both the memories and the song as the chorus echoed the beat of my heart. He'd left me. How long ago now? I can't remember. It seemed the times between our being together and us being over had grown and grown after each make-up and break-up. But I'd had enough.

Tonight would have been our anniversary and, right now, I was more angry than sad. I was so tired of mourning what we'd had together. So tired of always being the one to chase after him, to be pushed back and told that this wasn't a good idea any more. Until the next time, when he'd turn up at my door, always knowing where to find me, and I always let him back in.

How can I put it?
You put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah yeah
Since U Been Gone

God, yeah I do feel duped. I feel so green. I was completely taken in by him. Caught under his mesmerizing spell and when we were together, I didn't care. I was happy to be the subject of his attention, to be the muse to his artistic passion. I would pose endlessly for him, in any way he wanted and I never considered it to be anything but another aspect of our unique relationship.

He whispered words of love into my ear and it was all I wanted to hear. I happily ignored my inner voice, which screamed at me to back away, to get out while I still could. I didn't want to. I thought I had everything I could ever want in his arms.

How come I'd never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way

You know, when I think back now, to all those words of passion and love, I realize they were never directed to me. Certainly about me, but in the same way that one idolizes their own creation. Maybe that's all I was to him, a pretty, young man, easily moulded and useful in the short term for inspiring a new outpouring of words and paint.

But Since U Been Gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
I get what I want
Since U Been Gone

He'd always been the one to break up with me, always some excuse; about my career, about his, about not wanting us to be caught up and broken apart in a media frenzy if we ever came out. It was all bullshit. He'd never cared about what would happen to me, and he'd certainly never cared about the impact on his career. He was an eccentric artist, who would give a shit if he came out. He certainly didn't. At least not enough to take a chance on me. To give me his heart in the same way that I'd given mine over to him for safe-keeping, only to have it returned, much diminished, almost shrunken in on itself.

But now I was free. I was moving on with my life. My career was sky rocketing and I was picking the parts I wanted to play. Life had never been so good, and challenging and rewarding. I was adored, loved around the world, and so what if my bed was empty and cold, so what if that media attention was ephemeral, it was all I needed for now. Because I was moving on.

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

That last time we'd been together, he'd groveled for hours, trying to win his place back in my bed, and I'd believed every single word of it. God, it makes me so angry now to know how stupid I'd been, yet again. To know that he still had that power over me. But he'd rejected me for the last time. I wanted no more of him. I'll hunt down every single picture I have of himand I'll burn them. Every gift he ever gave me, I'll give away or destroy. And yet a small part of me hates that he's reduced me to this bitter, destructive creature. That he is still displaying his power over me.

I turn and glimpse my reflection. Face flushed and wet, eyes swollen and red, and mouth twisted and hurt. I throw my empty glass towards the gilt mirror hanging over the fireplace. Glass meets glass and shatters. A million tiny pieces, lying on the floor, broken beyond repair, like my heart.

Since U Been Gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get
I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get
I get what I want
Since U Been Gone
Since U Been Gone
Since U Been Gone

A noise breaks through my thoughts and, chest heaving; I wait, trying to discern what it is. It sounds again and it takes me a moment to realize that it's the doorbell. Strange, no one knew that I was coming here tonight. I walk slowly through the living room, out into the long hallway and down to the shadowy doorway. I pause for a moment before opening the door.

I want to scream, but instead I am locked in silence.

"Orlando," he says and I move to the side and let him in again.

The end.