Slippery Slope - 12/?
Sep. 17th, 2005 09:57 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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vigorliTitle: Slippery Slope
Chapter: 12/?
Author: Rocketbalm
Pairing: OB/VM
Rating: R for language
Summary: Both men try separately to come to terms with the fall out of the press conference; while friends have their own plans.
Content/warnings: AU, steeped in angst tempered with a path to healing.
Posted: Mirrormere, VOLA![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
vigorli and My LJ http://www.livejournal.com/users/rocketbalm/
Disclaimer: Blatantly not true, fiction
fic•tion (fik shen)
An imaginative creation or a pretense that does not represent actuality but has been invented. A lie. A literary work whose content is produced by the imagination and is not necessarily based on fact.
Chapter 12
Stunned, Viggo left the press conference and wandered aimlessly through the village until he found himself outside of Citta’s; the place where he almost lost his life. It wasn’t the first time he was drawn to this location. Surreal as it was, he should hate the damn place, but somehow he found it oddly comforting. He sat on the bench outside the busy Café and stared into the square. His life had been forever altered here, ultimately for the better. He had often wondered what his life would have been like if he had never discovered James’ theft and addiction. He wondered how empty and meaningless his relationship would have become before he realized that he was living in a nightmare. While he could have done without the drama and near death experience, in the end fate had been kind to him; showing him a better, if more solitary life.
Sitting outside of Citta’s listening to the thrum voices; couples sharing a moment of togetherness, tourists agog a the sights, locals finishing their shifts and planning their evenings. Viggo felt so disconnected from all of it, as if he had just had another life altering event and he hadn’t quite figured out what the long term effects were going to be. He let himself be distracted by the sights and sounds of the busy square, not ready to face the emptiness of his heart and home. It wasn’t until a long time later, that Viggo realized that the chill of the winter afternoon had stolen the remaining warmth from his frozen spirit. Slowly he made his way to the ski rack and unlocked his boards, every movement made from memory as opposed to conscious thought. The chairlift up was blustery and anyone who noticed would understand the way his eyes watered in the wind; only Viggo would truly know that the wind had nothing to do with it. The short run from the top of the chairlift to his back deck was marked only by the soft slide of skis on snow, in an unending rhythm, much like the sound of the tide caressing the shore. Reaching his back deck, Viggo watched the waning moments of daylight until the silence of the evening enveloped him in its cloak of darkness.
Inside, he made a fire and poured himself a drink. Needing the comfort of shadows, Viggo sat in his favourite chair, the flicker of flames the sole light-source. The lone movement came from his hand raising his glass to his lips; the only sounds the odd crackle of dry wood snapping in the fireplace and the plink of ice colliding against his glass. The night stretched into forever as he finally acknowledged that his pained gut reaction to leave the press conference and the sham that Orlando was willing to go back to, came at a price.
He didn’t really know why he had gone in the first place. When Brian had arrived the night before, flustered and trying to curb his anger, Viggo just listened. He resigned himself to the fact that things would just be left the way they were, no closure, no farewells. Today, as the hour crept closer, Viggo found he was drawn to Chateau, drawn to hear the farce unfold, as if hearing it would make it real, allow him to move on. He had no intention of drawing attention to himself or make anyone uncomfortable. Looking back, he began to comprehend what his need for finality had cost them both. He could not have known that seeing what Orlando had to live with everyday, what he was willing to become for his art, for his career, would hurt so much. In the moment that they locked eyes, that the younger man began to speak, he knew there was no room for him in the circus in which Orlando lived. Each word cut deeper with knowledge that the charade would leave them no foundation that they could build anything from. In that moment the urge to flee had besieged him.
It wasn’t until now, many hours later that he came to understand that even he wasn’t sure what it was that he lost, only that the sense of loss was overwhelming.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It took Orlando three days to take notice of what he was eating or how long he was sleeping. It took two more days to care enough to shower and dress and another to really be aware of his surroundings. His two bedroom flat in L.A. had never felt like home; more of a stop-over venue with a change of clothes. Now it felt even less like a home and more like a prison; especially when his cell-mate was Kate. It wasn’t until the evening of the sixth day when he finally let the anger that was simmering beneath his indifferent exterior erupt.
He sat at the dining room table twirling a pencil on the wooden surface blankly staring out the window at the smoggy Los Angels skyline. Kate arrived whistling, with bags of groceries and a throw pillow for the lounge. As she unpacked the bags of food she smugly informed him that now they were living together, his apartment needed to reflect her tastes as well. They needed to be careful to appear as a couple, with the media still camped downstairs waiting for Orlando to emerge. How would it look, she continued when they had friends over for drinks if the place was as empty and sterile as it was now.
At long last something snapped inside Orlando, he brought his hand down with force, slamming the table top and stopping the pencil from idly spinning. The sharpness of the sound caused Kate to drop a jar of ultra-low-fat mayonnaise onto the counter with a clatter.
“Don’t!” Orlando growled. “Don’t you fucking dare. We are NOT living together, at best we’re housemates sleeping in separate rooms, even that is stretching it Kate. I never realized that you were such a scheming bitch when I first agreed to play at being a couple. Back then, I considered you a friend and this,” He gestured to the two of them, “a necessary evil. I see how wrong I was. It’s you that’s evil, Kate. I loathe you. I loathe everything about you; your petty observations of your colleagues; your inane conversation; your vanity. Most of all, I loathe what you’ve become, a desperate vapid bitch who is willing to sell her soul for fame and fortune.”
Shocked, Kate stood completely still for a moment before she was able to recover enough to respond. With a wicked gleam in her eye she calmly picked up at the toppled jar and looked toward Orlando. “My, my the lap dog has a bit of bite this evening doesn’t he. You’re one to talk about selling their soul. I thought I was providing you with a ‘relationship’ cover because it was better for your image than the ‘raucous drinking and partying with the boys’ image that you were acquiring; not to cover some perverse desire to take it up the ass from your co-stars. I think I would watch my tone in the future, considering you need me a lot more than I need you Orli.” She turned and casually continued to put the groceries away.
Orlando was out of his chair and into the kitchen before either of them were able to register the movement. Kate briefly blanched at the revulsion and hatred in Orlando eyes as he stood before her, vibrating with rage. “You know I’m right Orlando, *you need me*, end of story. So now we’re going to play by my rules. I’m sick of having to trail after you in some feigned hero worship; it’s your turn now. So suck it up princess.” Kate spat the words out with more confidence than she felt at that moment, hoping that she was a better actress than the press credited her for. The two stood toe to toe as a minute stretched into two, Orlando’s fist clenched so tightly that his once buffed nails were starting to pierce the tender flesh of his palms. Eventually, he let his shoulders sag in defeat knowing that to some extent she was right, he did need her, at least until his sentencing; then he would figure out how to deal with her intimidation tactics.
“You disgust me. Your insinuations are baseless and you know it. For Christ sake, I slept with *you* as much as I abhor the thought now. I may need you right at the present, but what are you getting out of it? Surely you can’t think that we can pull this off in public indefinitely. I’m a pretty good actor but my revulsion would be hard to mask for very long and when my sentencing is over, I’ll want you as far from as you can be. So what is it you think you’re going to get out of this Kate?” Orlando leaned against the counter glaring at the bitch he once thought of as a friend, his skin crawling at the thought the he actually slept with her at one time, and even found it moderately pleasant at the time.
She looked at him curiously as if she hadn’t thought that far ahead, suddenly realizing that she may have pushed him too far; made him hate her instead of be threatened by her. “They may be only insinuations Orlando but they are far from baseless. You barely even notice women when we’re out, which would be sweet if we were a *real* couple, but we’re not. As for sleeping with me, we both know that was a joke. You had to be drunk before you even tried anything beyond kissing me. You weren’t bad after that, but no straight guy would turn down the freely available sex, whenever he wanted, no strings attached, that I was offering. You might sleep with women from time to time but much as you’d like the world to believe, you are not completely straight either, so cut the bullshit. Unless you want to have me tearfully explain to some respectable entertainment magazine, how I tried and tried to hold on to you only to lose you to your base desires, I suggest you come up with something of value that you can trade if I can’t share your spotlight as your *girlfriend*.”
“Like what, pulling strings to get you into a film or what not?” Orli asked as his eyes narrowed, slightly perplexed at what she was getting at.
“That’s a good place to start Orli… I’m sure you and that high priced agent of yours can figure something out.” Her eyes glimmered at the thought of what might lie just beyond her fingertips.
Repulsed by the creature in front of him, Orlando just stared, open mouthed. He felt physically ill. How could people be so malicious, so wickedly vile? What was it about him that attracts such nasty beings? What sin did he commit to deserve this punishment? The trembling in his hands was less from anger now, and more in search of his pills. Instinctively he toyed with the plastic container in his pocket longing for the relief they would bring, the numbness that would blur the edges of reality until he was ready to face the world again. He reached past Kate and into the fridge for a bottle of water. Twisting off the lid, took a long swallow before facing the not so fragile blonde. “I don’t know what I’ve done in my life to deserve this, though it seems at this point I have to accept it. Whenever we figure out what it’ll take to satisfy your distorted view of what you’re entitled to, then I expect you out of my life for good. I’ve never been a vengeful person, so I’ll have to trust in karma to mete out what ever retribution you deserve.” With that he returned to his room, ripping open the lid of his pills so hard that some of the precious cargo fell to the floor, sending Orli scrambling after them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sean hated not being in Los Angeles, hated that he couldn’t help Dom and Elijah keep an eye on Orlando. It couldn’t be helped, his family needed him in the UK at the moment so the almost daily phone calls and scrambling behind the scenes was all he could do from afar; it didn’t seem nearly enough.
Soon after Orlando’s disgraced return to LA, Dom and Elijah had started calling Sean and filling in the blanks from his own long-distance conversations with Orli. The first time the pair had gone to visit him; they had to circumnavigate a handful of photographers lying in wait for Orlando, before they reached the door. Upon their arrival upstairs, Orlando led them into what was once a den and now looked like a war room of video games and music; he had essentially built himself a Kate-free sanctuary. Without any pre-amble what-so-ever, he turned to his two friends and told them that under no circumstances was he willing to talk about Viggo or what happened in Whistler. “Let’s just have a good time, yeah? Figure out a way to break me out of here before I snap that blonde bitch in half like a pretzel.” They were shocked at the change in Orlando, perhaps from his confinement, more likely from the stress and strain of the untenable situation he had put himself in.
“It’s not just the anger Sean, it’s the sheer recklessness. ‘Lij and I refuse to drive with him anymore, he’s fucking scary Sean. Last week he wanted to go surfing during a storm warning, today he’s asking if he can come to Hawaii with me to try cliff jumping. At dinner on the weekend we had intervene when someone made a smart ass comment in the pub about his misadventure in Whistler. I’ve never know Orli to be violent but Christ Sean it took both of us to hold him back.” Dom sounded exhausted. He had to go back to Hawaii for a few weeks for filming and was worried about leaving Elijah to look after Orlando alone.
“I know Dom, I’m just really wary of spooking him at this point. I think if we can hold on tight for three more weeks we’ll have the best chance of succeeding.” Sean tried to sound convincing but at this point, nothing was a given. “I heard from Mike that he found a way to get Kate out of the picture for two of those weeks so that should help his disposition somewhat. I’ll get Mike to keep a close eye on him while you’re away as well. It won’t be long now Dom. Everything’s pretty much set in motion on my end, now all we need is to get him here in one piece.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He’d been at Sean’s for two days now. Everything between the two of them was just the same, yet different; there was a strain that hadn’t been there before, thoughts unexplored, words that remained unspoken. They danced around what had happened in Whistler, neither wanting to have the conversation, knowing it would lead to silence and awkwardness. They had teased each other like always, giving as well as they got, enjoying the banter and camaraderie. Sometimes though, Orlando would catch Sean studying him as if he was trying to decipher a mystery; it made Orlando uncomfortable.
Today he was going to spend some time on his own, soak up London and meet with his estate agent to see if he had found anything decent to replace the house he had sold last year, thinking it was too small, not prestigious enough. After, he might even hook up with some old friends. Sean was having the girls over so he promised he’d be out of his hair until at least 6 PM. He stepped out into the cool spring morning, barely feeling the warmth from the pale sun. Wrapping his scarf loosely around his neck he began to walk, smiling at the things that he missed in California, recognizing that other than with Viggo this was the closest to being home he had felt.
The day had been a bit of a bust. Neither of the houses they looked at seemed a good fit. Something always seemed to be missing. In reality, what he was looking for had nothing to do with the houses themselves. Afterward he just wandered; places that he used to go had closed or changed and things he remembered were just a little bit different, not quite right. He ended up sitting in secluded park reading the paper, drinking god awful coffee and watching ordinary people, having an ordinary day, in their ordinary lives, and wanting just that.
The light had almost faded as he made his way back to Sean’s hoping that he had had a great day with his girls. As he held the key in his hand he took a moment to look up at the glow of light filtering out, the panes of glass framed on one side by beautifully manicured window boxes. A home, in the middle of London, not just a house, but a home, and he wanted that too.
He slid the key in the lock and stepped in to the warm entry way, shrugging off his coat and unwrapping his scarf he made his way into the house and back to the games room knowing he’d find Sean there. What he found stopped him dead in his tracks. He looked around at all of them; they were all there, or at least most of them. He took it all in; Dom, Elijah sharing a leather wingback chair, Billy at their feet; Ian sitting at the bar, perched on a stool, Sean next to him, his hands resting on his hips; and elegantly on the settee sat Liv, the unofficial member of the fellowship; and next to her sat his sister Sam, looking nervous; and across the room tucked on an ottoman sat someone he didn’t know. He looked at all of them, so serious and still that brought Orlando out of his bewildered state. “If this is a surprise you’ve got the wrong day and the wrong guy… Sean’s birthday isn’t until tomorrow.” He tried to make light of what ever was going on.
Sean moved toward Orlando guiding him to a chair. “This isn’t a party Orli.” Sean stood next to Orlando, his hand on Orlando’s shoulder gently squeezing it supportively. “We’re all here because we want to talk to you. To let you know how much we love and care about you. And that we’re worried.” Orlando looked up at him; a look of momentary confusion crossed his beautiful face, his brow furrowed as he tried to grasp what was happening.
“You’re all worried? About me? Sam? You too?”
Sean backed away as Sam stood and approached her brother. She crouched before him, her hands on his knees, her eyes filled with concern. “Orli, I hate that I worry about what I’m going to tell Mum when I find out that you’ve crashed your car speeding recklessly down some highway in California, or you’ve gone out into a storm to catch a bigger wave and didn’t come back up. But most of all Orli, I worry about those pills you still take for your back and what they’re doing to my baby brother. I love you Orli, and I’m so scared that I’m going to lose you.”
“I’m fine Sam, really I am. I got myself into a little trouble but I’m working it out now.”
“No you’re not Orli, you’re not. You need help, not from me or from them, but from someone that can talk to you, help you figure things out.”
“You’re kidding me right?” Orlando abruptly stood up, the motion knocking Sam backwards onto the floor. “You all came here to fucking have me locked up somewhere? Is that it? Think Orli’s fallen off his nut… Well fuck all of you.” Orlando felt hot tears welling up in his eyes and he wiped them away furiously. His eyes locked with Sean. “I thought you were my friend, Sean. My best friend! You planned this whole thing didn’t you? Invited me to come here, telling me you wanted to spend time with me. Bollocks.”
Sean reached over to help Sam up. “I am your friend Orli, and you’re right I did plan this; though not alone. All of us are worried, and this was a group decision.”
“Why Sean? Is it because of Viggo…? Is that it? I fucked up. I was distraught. I was being blackmailed by my cunting ex-girlfriend for Christ sakes. You guys have no idea of the pressure I’m under. Everyone wants me to be something different. I just fucked it all up. It happens, it’s not like I killed anyone or tried to kill myself for god sakes.”
“You’re right you didn’t kill anyone… this time. That’s just it Orli, you’re losing yourself. You’re taking those pills so frequently now I don’t think you know who you are anymore. Hell I hardly recognize you half the time.”
Orlando glared at Sean in contempt and then looked around the room and stopped at Ian. “Why are you here Ian? Think I’m not being true to myself. Gonna tell me how I should just come out and be done with it…”
“No, my dear boy, I’m here because I love you and seeing you throw your life away because of a relationship that went terribly bad, is more than a shame it’s a crime. You deserve better than that Orlando.” Orlando desperately wiped away the tears that by now wouldn’t stop, though his anger was far from extinguished. He searched out Liv, his eyes pleaded with her. “Livvie?”
“Sweetie, I have to agree with everything that’s been said here. You know I love you; I can’t sit back and let you throw your life away without telling you how much I miss you. Really miss you. The funny, loving Orli that would phone me up because he saw a puppy lost in the street and wanted to know if he could keep him; the Orli that sent quirky little cards from where ever he went just to let you know he was thinking of you; and the Orli who was curious about places, people and things and spent hours learning everything he could about local customs and culture.”
Orlando started to feel the anger build again; feeling cornered. “I’ve been busy Liv, if you hadn’t noticed. I’ve been working my ass off since Rings and excuse me if I don’t have time to write you note every time I go somewhere new.” His ire was felt around the room. His eyes rested on the three Hobbits. “You three surprise me, especially you Dom. You’re one to talk with all the recreational drug use that goes on in your neck of the woods.” Dom started to protest but Orlando cut him off. “Save it Dom, you’ve shown your true colours, nothing you could say is of any interest to me. And we all know that Elijah can’t wipe his own arse without checking with you first. And well Billy, I’ve barely seen you since Rings so I can’t possibly see what you have to add here.” Orlando chest was heaving now, a storm of emotions swirled and threatened to drown him in their potency. Shaking his head as if to clear it he focused on the one person in the room he didn’t know. “And I supposed you are the person they’ve called to take me to the funny farm, is that it?” Before the man could answer Orlando shouted, "Well fuck all of you!" and he turned abruptly and went into Sean’s den, slamming the door.
Once inside the darkened room he turned on the desk lamp and sat down in the chair with a heaviness that only comes when someone is burdened with truths they were unprepared to hear. He listened to the silence outside the door until someone spoke in a muffled tone and then the murmurs began in earnest. Wanting a distraction from the hum of activity outside the door, he walked around Sean’s den. It was paneled in a beautiful dark wood; books lined the shelves and small mementos from various films and projects were placed here and there. Photos of the girls were displayed prominently on the large wooden desk. He began to pick up objects and turn them over in his hand not really looking at them as he tried to calm down. He picked up a large framed, black and white photo and stared at it. It was a picture of him. He was literally flying through the air, eyes sparkled; cheeks flushed, his curls in a wild halo in stark contrast against the white of the snow, and his mouth open in a shout of glee. It took a moment before he realized that it was from his time in Whistler. A picture that Viggo had taken, one he’d never had the opportunity to see. With trembling hands he turned the picture over and read the inscription. “Orlando – Joy. Feb, 05.”
The sobs erupted from his body, shaking him to his core. He turned the picture over and ran his fingers over the glass as if to reconnect with that time. The glass grew wet and streaked with tears as Orlando lost himself to the memories, not aware that the door to the den had opened and that Sean had come in.
“Orli?” Sean stared at the weeping man before him and wondered for the hundredth time that night if they had done the right thing. He closed the door and gathered the younger man in his arms, feeling him first resist and then relax into the embrace. “I love you Orli, you know that right.” Getting a shallow nod in return, Sean continued. “I should have known that you weren’t OK after Stuart. I should have seen the signs Orli… got you help then. I should have realized how scared you were to ask for help… I let you down Orli, I’m sorry.” Orlando couldn’t speak, he knew that no matter how guilty Sean felt, ultimately where he was now was his own fault, his own choices brought him here, not anything that Sean had done. He had learned that much from his short stay with Viggo. He shook his head letting Sean know he didn’t agree, words still caught in his throat not yet willing to spill out.
“We don’t want to send you somewhere you don’t want to go, you have to decide if you’re going to go, it has to be your choice Orli. I only tried to find somewhere that would suit you. I… I went up there last week. I had a look myself; I don’t want you to go to some sterile place where they make you feel worse about yourself. It’s… well it’s actually quite nice. Very private, beautiful grounds north of here, far enough from the city that it’s quiet, close enough so that we can visit; and the rooms, while sparse, are light and airy, peaceful.” Realizing that Orlando was actually listening, Sean rushed ahead filling the space with words he hoped would give some measure of comfort. “They have all kinds of programs, even art therapy; I thought you might like that. If we can’t have our old Orli back, we want the new one to make healthy choices.” He stroked the tension from the back beneath his fingers, calming and soothing the younger man, finally guiding him to the worn leather arm chair by the window and sitting with him on his lap like a child needing consoling.
Orlando slowed his breathing and wiped the last of his tears on the back of his hand and looked back at the picture he still clutched tightly in his fingers. Sean looked down at the photo as well. “He sent it for my birthday.” He answered before the question was asked.
“It’s not your birthday until tomorrow Sean.” He chided the older man.
“Yeah well I’ve always been a bit quick off the mark now haven’t I.” Smiling into Orlando’s hair on hearing the slight teasing note in the younger mans voice.
“I’ll go.” Orlando mumbled into the crook of Sean’s neck. “Under one condition.”
“Orli…” Sean started. “There can’t be any conditions, either you go because you want help or you don’t. No conditions.”
“No you’re right, not a condition, a favour. If you say no I’ll understand, I’ll still go. I just need your help with something.”
Sean drew back and looked directly at Orlando. “If I can help I will, you know that. But I can’t fix things for you; you need to do that all on your own.”
“I know that Sean, I do know that. It’s about after. After I leave where ever I’m going. Will you. What I mean is would you, if you think… Fuck.” Orlando ran his fingers through his curls trying to gather his thoughts. “After… I’m going to need to go back, go back to Whistler and complete my sentence… fix things with Viggo, yeah? I know I’ve ruined any chance at anything with him, I just want him in my life, be his friend. He has so much to offer and I want that. I think I could learn a lot from him… if he’ll have me. I want to stay with him, while I do my community service. Will you help me, will you ask him?” Orlando looked very much like a young child, his eyes pleaded with Sean and almost got to him. Holding firm, he took Orlando’s hands into his own.
“I can’t ask him for you Orli, you need to do that.” Orlando looked disheartened, not sure that Viggo would even listen to him. “I will promise you that I’ll support you in this. I think it’s a fine idea, I will talk to him and let him know what I think, but *you* need to ask him. Fair enough?”
Orlando gave a nod. “Thank you Sean. I love you.” Sean stood, blinking rapidly, trying to clear the tears that were welling in his eyes. “Come I’ll introduce you to Evan, he’ll take you to Madrigal, if your ready to go.”
“Tonight?” Orli looked worried again; he had hoped he would have at least one more night to himself.
“Tonight, Orli. Come, I can’t promise you everything will be fine, just that it will be better than it is now.” He held out his hand for Orlando and waited at the door for the younger man to make his decision.
With a slight nod, Orlando took Sean’s hand and let himself be lead to whatever lay in his future.
TBC
Chapter: 12/?
Author: Rocketbalm
Pairing: OB/VM
Rating: R for language
Summary: Both men try separately to come to terms with the fall out of the press conference; while friends have their own plans.
Content/warnings: AU, steeped in angst tempered with a path to healing.
Posted: Mirrormere, VOLA
vigorli and My LJ http://www.livejournal.com/users/rocketbalm/Disclaimer: Blatantly not true, fiction
fic•tion (fik shen)
An imaginative creation or a pretense that does not represent actuality but has been invented. A lie. A literary work whose content is produced by the imagination and is not necessarily based on fact.
Chapter 12
Stunned, Viggo left the press conference and wandered aimlessly through the village until he found himself outside of Citta’s; the place where he almost lost his life. It wasn’t the first time he was drawn to this location. Surreal as it was, he should hate the damn place, but somehow he found it oddly comforting. He sat on the bench outside the busy Café and stared into the square. His life had been forever altered here, ultimately for the better. He had often wondered what his life would have been like if he had never discovered James’ theft and addiction. He wondered how empty and meaningless his relationship would have become before he realized that he was living in a nightmare. While he could have done without the drama and near death experience, in the end fate had been kind to him; showing him a better, if more solitary life.
Sitting outside of Citta’s listening to the thrum voices; couples sharing a moment of togetherness, tourists agog a the sights, locals finishing their shifts and planning their evenings. Viggo felt so disconnected from all of it, as if he had just had another life altering event and he hadn’t quite figured out what the long term effects were going to be. He let himself be distracted by the sights and sounds of the busy square, not ready to face the emptiness of his heart and home. It wasn’t until a long time later, that Viggo realized that the chill of the winter afternoon had stolen the remaining warmth from his frozen spirit. Slowly he made his way to the ski rack and unlocked his boards, every movement made from memory as opposed to conscious thought. The chairlift up was blustery and anyone who noticed would understand the way his eyes watered in the wind; only Viggo would truly know that the wind had nothing to do with it. The short run from the top of the chairlift to his back deck was marked only by the soft slide of skis on snow, in an unending rhythm, much like the sound of the tide caressing the shore. Reaching his back deck, Viggo watched the waning moments of daylight until the silence of the evening enveloped him in its cloak of darkness.
Inside, he made a fire and poured himself a drink. Needing the comfort of shadows, Viggo sat in his favourite chair, the flicker of flames the sole light-source. The lone movement came from his hand raising his glass to his lips; the only sounds the odd crackle of dry wood snapping in the fireplace and the plink of ice colliding against his glass. The night stretched into forever as he finally acknowledged that his pained gut reaction to leave the press conference and the sham that Orlando was willing to go back to, came at a price.
He didn’t really know why he had gone in the first place. When Brian had arrived the night before, flustered and trying to curb his anger, Viggo just listened. He resigned himself to the fact that things would just be left the way they were, no closure, no farewells. Today, as the hour crept closer, Viggo found he was drawn to Chateau, drawn to hear the farce unfold, as if hearing it would make it real, allow him to move on. He had no intention of drawing attention to himself or make anyone uncomfortable. Looking back, he began to comprehend what his need for finality had cost them both. He could not have known that seeing what Orlando had to live with everyday, what he was willing to become for his art, for his career, would hurt so much. In the moment that they locked eyes, that the younger man began to speak, he knew there was no room for him in the circus in which Orlando lived. Each word cut deeper with knowledge that the charade would leave them no foundation that they could build anything from. In that moment the urge to flee had besieged him.
It wasn’t until now, many hours later that he came to understand that even he wasn’t sure what it was that he lost, only that the sense of loss was overwhelming.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It took Orlando three days to take notice of what he was eating or how long he was sleeping. It took two more days to care enough to shower and dress and another to really be aware of his surroundings. His two bedroom flat in L.A. had never felt like home; more of a stop-over venue with a change of clothes. Now it felt even less like a home and more like a prison; especially when his cell-mate was Kate. It wasn’t until the evening of the sixth day when he finally let the anger that was simmering beneath his indifferent exterior erupt.
He sat at the dining room table twirling a pencil on the wooden surface blankly staring out the window at the smoggy Los Angels skyline. Kate arrived whistling, with bags of groceries and a throw pillow for the lounge. As she unpacked the bags of food she smugly informed him that now they were living together, his apartment needed to reflect her tastes as well. They needed to be careful to appear as a couple, with the media still camped downstairs waiting for Orlando to emerge. How would it look, she continued when they had friends over for drinks if the place was as empty and sterile as it was now.
At long last something snapped inside Orlando, he brought his hand down with force, slamming the table top and stopping the pencil from idly spinning. The sharpness of the sound caused Kate to drop a jar of ultra-low-fat mayonnaise onto the counter with a clatter.
“Don’t!” Orlando growled. “Don’t you fucking dare. We are NOT living together, at best we’re housemates sleeping in separate rooms, even that is stretching it Kate. I never realized that you were such a scheming bitch when I first agreed to play at being a couple. Back then, I considered you a friend and this,” He gestured to the two of them, “a necessary evil. I see how wrong I was. It’s you that’s evil, Kate. I loathe you. I loathe everything about you; your petty observations of your colleagues; your inane conversation; your vanity. Most of all, I loathe what you’ve become, a desperate vapid bitch who is willing to sell her soul for fame and fortune.”
Shocked, Kate stood completely still for a moment before she was able to recover enough to respond. With a wicked gleam in her eye she calmly picked up at the toppled jar and looked toward Orlando. “My, my the lap dog has a bit of bite this evening doesn’t he. You’re one to talk about selling their soul. I thought I was providing you with a ‘relationship’ cover because it was better for your image than the ‘raucous drinking and partying with the boys’ image that you were acquiring; not to cover some perverse desire to take it up the ass from your co-stars. I think I would watch my tone in the future, considering you need me a lot more than I need you Orli.” She turned and casually continued to put the groceries away.
Orlando was out of his chair and into the kitchen before either of them were able to register the movement. Kate briefly blanched at the revulsion and hatred in Orlando eyes as he stood before her, vibrating with rage. “You know I’m right Orlando, *you need me*, end of story. So now we’re going to play by my rules. I’m sick of having to trail after you in some feigned hero worship; it’s your turn now. So suck it up princess.” Kate spat the words out with more confidence than she felt at that moment, hoping that she was a better actress than the press credited her for. The two stood toe to toe as a minute stretched into two, Orlando’s fist clenched so tightly that his once buffed nails were starting to pierce the tender flesh of his palms. Eventually, he let his shoulders sag in defeat knowing that to some extent she was right, he did need her, at least until his sentencing; then he would figure out how to deal with her intimidation tactics.
“You disgust me. Your insinuations are baseless and you know it. For Christ sake, I slept with *you* as much as I abhor the thought now. I may need you right at the present, but what are you getting out of it? Surely you can’t think that we can pull this off in public indefinitely. I’m a pretty good actor but my revulsion would be hard to mask for very long and when my sentencing is over, I’ll want you as far from as you can be. So what is it you think you’re going to get out of this Kate?” Orlando leaned against the counter glaring at the bitch he once thought of as a friend, his skin crawling at the thought the he actually slept with her at one time, and even found it moderately pleasant at the time.
She looked at him curiously as if she hadn’t thought that far ahead, suddenly realizing that she may have pushed him too far; made him hate her instead of be threatened by her. “They may be only insinuations Orlando but they are far from baseless. You barely even notice women when we’re out, which would be sweet if we were a *real* couple, but we’re not. As for sleeping with me, we both know that was a joke. You had to be drunk before you even tried anything beyond kissing me. You weren’t bad after that, but no straight guy would turn down the freely available sex, whenever he wanted, no strings attached, that I was offering. You might sleep with women from time to time but much as you’d like the world to believe, you are not completely straight either, so cut the bullshit. Unless you want to have me tearfully explain to some respectable entertainment magazine, how I tried and tried to hold on to you only to lose you to your base desires, I suggest you come up with something of value that you can trade if I can’t share your spotlight as your *girlfriend*.”
“Like what, pulling strings to get you into a film or what not?” Orli asked as his eyes narrowed, slightly perplexed at what she was getting at.
“That’s a good place to start Orli… I’m sure you and that high priced agent of yours can figure something out.” Her eyes glimmered at the thought of what might lie just beyond her fingertips.
Repulsed by the creature in front of him, Orlando just stared, open mouthed. He felt physically ill. How could people be so malicious, so wickedly vile? What was it about him that attracts such nasty beings? What sin did he commit to deserve this punishment? The trembling in his hands was less from anger now, and more in search of his pills. Instinctively he toyed with the plastic container in his pocket longing for the relief they would bring, the numbness that would blur the edges of reality until he was ready to face the world again. He reached past Kate and into the fridge for a bottle of water. Twisting off the lid, took a long swallow before facing the not so fragile blonde. “I don’t know what I’ve done in my life to deserve this, though it seems at this point I have to accept it. Whenever we figure out what it’ll take to satisfy your distorted view of what you’re entitled to, then I expect you out of my life for good. I’ve never been a vengeful person, so I’ll have to trust in karma to mete out what ever retribution you deserve.” With that he returned to his room, ripping open the lid of his pills so hard that some of the precious cargo fell to the floor, sending Orli scrambling after them.
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Sean hated not being in Los Angeles, hated that he couldn’t help Dom and Elijah keep an eye on Orlando. It couldn’t be helped, his family needed him in the UK at the moment so the almost daily phone calls and scrambling behind the scenes was all he could do from afar; it didn’t seem nearly enough.
Soon after Orlando’s disgraced return to LA, Dom and Elijah had started calling Sean and filling in the blanks from his own long-distance conversations with Orli. The first time the pair had gone to visit him; they had to circumnavigate a handful of photographers lying in wait for Orlando, before they reached the door. Upon their arrival upstairs, Orlando led them into what was once a den and now looked like a war room of video games and music; he had essentially built himself a Kate-free sanctuary. Without any pre-amble what-so-ever, he turned to his two friends and told them that under no circumstances was he willing to talk about Viggo or what happened in Whistler. “Let’s just have a good time, yeah? Figure out a way to break me out of here before I snap that blonde bitch in half like a pretzel.” They were shocked at the change in Orlando, perhaps from his confinement, more likely from the stress and strain of the untenable situation he had put himself in.
“It’s not just the anger Sean, it’s the sheer recklessness. ‘Lij and I refuse to drive with him anymore, he’s fucking scary Sean. Last week he wanted to go surfing during a storm warning, today he’s asking if he can come to Hawaii with me to try cliff jumping. At dinner on the weekend we had intervene when someone made a smart ass comment in the pub about his misadventure in Whistler. I’ve never know Orli to be violent but Christ Sean it took both of us to hold him back.” Dom sounded exhausted. He had to go back to Hawaii for a few weeks for filming and was worried about leaving Elijah to look after Orlando alone.
“I know Dom, I’m just really wary of spooking him at this point. I think if we can hold on tight for three more weeks we’ll have the best chance of succeeding.” Sean tried to sound convincing but at this point, nothing was a given. “I heard from Mike that he found a way to get Kate out of the picture for two of those weeks so that should help his disposition somewhat. I’ll get Mike to keep a close eye on him while you’re away as well. It won’t be long now Dom. Everything’s pretty much set in motion on my end, now all we need is to get him here in one piece.”
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He’d been at Sean’s for two days now. Everything between the two of them was just the same, yet different; there was a strain that hadn’t been there before, thoughts unexplored, words that remained unspoken. They danced around what had happened in Whistler, neither wanting to have the conversation, knowing it would lead to silence and awkwardness. They had teased each other like always, giving as well as they got, enjoying the banter and camaraderie. Sometimes though, Orlando would catch Sean studying him as if he was trying to decipher a mystery; it made Orlando uncomfortable.
Today he was going to spend some time on his own, soak up London and meet with his estate agent to see if he had found anything decent to replace the house he had sold last year, thinking it was too small, not prestigious enough. After, he might even hook up with some old friends. Sean was having the girls over so he promised he’d be out of his hair until at least 6 PM. He stepped out into the cool spring morning, barely feeling the warmth from the pale sun. Wrapping his scarf loosely around his neck he began to walk, smiling at the things that he missed in California, recognizing that other than with Viggo this was the closest to being home he had felt.
The day had been a bit of a bust. Neither of the houses they looked at seemed a good fit. Something always seemed to be missing. In reality, what he was looking for had nothing to do with the houses themselves. Afterward he just wandered; places that he used to go had closed or changed and things he remembered were just a little bit different, not quite right. He ended up sitting in secluded park reading the paper, drinking god awful coffee and watching ordinary people, having an ordinary day, in their ordinary lives, and wanting just that.
The light had almost faded as he made his way back to Sean’s hoping that he had had a great day with his girls. As he held the key in his hand he took a moment to look up at the glow of light filtering out, the panes of glass framed on one side by beautifully manicured window boxes. A home, in the middle of London, not just a house, but a home, and he wanted that too.
He slid the key in the lock and stepped in to the warm entry way, shrugging off his coat and unwrapping his scarf he made his way into the house and back to the games room knowing he’d find Sean there. What he found stopped him dead in his tracks. He looked around at all of them; they were all there, or at least most of them. He took it all in; Dom, Elijah sharing a leather wingback chair, Billy at their feet; Ian sitting at the bar, perched on a stool, Sean next to him, his hands resting on his hips; and elegantly on the settee sat Liv, the unofficial member of the fellowship; and next to her sat his sister Sam, looking nervous; and across the room tucked on an ottoman sat someone he didn’t know. He looked at all of them, so serious and still that brought Orlando out of his bewildered state. “If this is a surprise you’ve got the wrong day and the wrong guy… Sean’s birthday isn’t until tomorrow.” He tried to make light of what ever was going on.
Sean moved toward Orlando guiding him to a chair. “This isn’t a party Orli.” Sean stood next to Orlando, his hand on Orlando’s shoulder gently squeezing it supportively. “We’re all here because we want to talk to you. To let you know how much we love and care about you. And that we’re worried.” Orlando looked up at him; a look of momentary confusion crossed his beautiful face, his brow furrowed as he tried to grasp what was happening.
“You’re all worried? About me? Sam? You too?”
Sean backed away as Sam stood and approached her brother. She crouched before him, her hands on his knees, her eyes filled with concern. “Orli, I hate that I worry about what I’m going to tell Mum when I find out that you’ve crashed your car speeding recklessly down some highway in California, or you’ve gone out into a storm to catch a bigger wave and didn’t come back up. But most of all Orli, I worry about those pills you still take for your back and what they’re doing to my baby brother. I love you Orli, and I’m so scared that I’m going to lose you.”
“I’m fine Sam, really I am. I got myself into a little trouble but I’m working it out now.”
“No you’re not Orli, you’re not. You need help, not from me or from them, but from someone that can talk to you, help you figure things out.”
“You’re kidding me right?” Orlando abruptly stood up, the motion knocking Sam backwards onto the floor. “You all came here to fucking have me locked up somewhere? Is that it? Think Orli’s fallen off his nut… Well fuck all of you.” Orlando felt hot tears welling up in his eyes and he wiped them away furiously. His eyes locked with Sean. “I thought you were my friend, Sean. My best friend! You planned this whole thing didn’t you? Invited me to come here, telling me you wanted to spend time with me. Bollocks.”
Sean reached over to help Sam up. “I am your friend Orli, and you’re right I did plan this; though not alone. All of us are worried, and this was a group decision.”
“Why Sean? Is it because of Viggo…? Is that it? I fucked up. I was distraught. I was being blackmailed by my cunting ex-girlfriend for Christ sakes. You guys have no idea of the pressure I’m under. Everyone wants me to be something different. I just fucked it all up. It happens, it’s not like I killed anyone or tried to kill myself for god sakes.”
“You’re right you didn’t kill anyone… this time. That’s just it Orli, you’re losing yourself. You’re taking those pills so frequently now I don’t think you know who you are anymore. Hell I hardly recognize you half the time.”
Orlando glared at Sean in contempt and then looked around the room and stopped at Ian. “Why are you here Ian? Think I’m not being true to myself. Gonna tell me how I should just come out and be done with it…”
“No, my dear boy, I’m here because I love you and seeing you throw your life away because of a relationship that went terribly bad, is more than a shame it’s a crime. You deserve better than that Orlando.” Orlando desperately wiped away the tears that by now wouldn’t stop, though his anger was far from extinguished. He searched out Liv, his eyes pleaded with her. “Livvie?”
“Sweetie, I have to agree with everything that’s been said here. You know I love you; I can’t sit back and let you throw your life away without telling you how much I miss you. Really miss you. The funny, loving Orli that would phone me up because he saw a puppy lost in the street and wanted to know if he could keep him; the Orli that sent quirky little cards from where ever he went just to let you know he was thinking of you; and the Orli who was curious about places, people and things and spent hours learning everything he could about local customs and culture.”
Orlando started to feel the anger build again; feeling cornered. “I’ve been busy Liv, if you hadn’t noticed. I’ve been working my ass off since Rings and excuse me if I don’t have time to write you note every time I go somewhere new.” His ire was felt around the room. His eyes rested on the three Hobbits. “You three surprise me, especially you Dom. You’re one to talk with all the recreational drug use that goes on in your neck of the woods.” Dom started to protest but Orlando cut him off. “Save it Dom, you’ve shown your true colours, nothing you could say is of any interest to me. And we all know that Elijah can’t wipe his own arse without checking with you first. And well Billy, I’ve barely seen you since Rings so I can’t possibly see what you have to add here.” Orlando chest was heaving now, a storm of emotions swirled and threatened to drown him in their potency. Shaking his head as if to clear it he focused on the one person in the room he didn’t know. “And I supposed you are the person they’ve called to take me to the funny farm, is that it?” Before the man could answer Orlando shouted, "Well fuck all of you!" and he turned abruptly and went into Sean’s den, slamming the door.
Once inside the darkened room he turned on the desk lamp and sat down in the chair with a heaviness that only comes when someone is burdened with truths they were unprepared to hear. He listened to the silence outside the door until someone spoke in a muffled tone and then the murmurs began in earnest. Wanting a distraction from the hum of activity outside the door, he walked around Sean’s den. It was paneled in a beautiful dark wood; books lined the shelves and small mementos from various films and projects were placed here and there. Photos of the girls were displayed prominently on the large wooden desk. He began to pick up objects and turn them over in his hand not really looking at them as he tried to calm down. He picked up a large framed, black and white photo and stared at it. It was a picture of him. He was literally flying through the air, eyes sparkled; cheeks flushed, his curls in a wild halo in stark contrast against the white of the snow, and his mouth open in a shout of glee. It took a moment before he realized that it was from his time in Whistler. A picture that Viggo had taken, one he’d never had the opportunity to see. With trembling hands he turned the picture over and read the inscription. “Orlando – Joy. Feb, 05.”
The sobs erupted from his body, shaking him to his core. He turned the picture over and ran his fingers over the glass as if to reconnect with that time. The glass grew wet and streaked with tears as Orlando lost himself to the memories, not aware that the door to the den had opened and that Sean had come in.
“Orli?” Sean stared at the weeping man before him and wondered for the hundredth time that night if they had done the right thing. He closed the door and gathered the younger man in his arms, feeling him first resist and then relax into the embrace. “I love you Orli, you know that right.” Getting a shallow nod in return, Sean continued. “I should have known that you weren’t OK after Stuart. I should have seen the signs Orli… got you help then. I should have realized how scared you were to ask for help… I let you down Orli, I’m sorry.” Orlando couldn’t speak, he knew that no matter how guilty Sean felt, ultimately where he was now was his own fault, his own choices brought him here, not anything that Sean had done. He had learned that much from his short stay with Viggo. He shook his head letting Sean know he didn’t agree, words still caught in his throat not yet willing to spill out.
“We don’t want to send you somewhere you don’t want to go, you have to decide if you’re going to go, it has to be your choice Orli. I only tried to find somewhere that would suit you. I… I went up there last week. I had a look myself; I don’t want you to go to some sterile place where they make you feel worse about yourself. It’s… well it’s actually quite nice. Very private, beautiful grounds north of here, far enough from the city that it’s quiet, close enough so that we can visit; and the rooms, while sparse, are light and airy, peaceful.” Realizing that Orlando was actually listening, Sean rushed ahead filling the space with words he hoped would give some measure of comfort. “They have all kinds of programs, even art therapy; I thought you might like that. If we can’t have our old Orli back, we want the new one to make healthy choices.” He stroked the tension from the back beneath his fingers, calming and soothing the younger man, finally guiding him to the worn leather arm chair by the window and sitting with him on his lap like a child needing consoling.
Orlando slowed his breathing and wiped the last of his tears on the back of his hand and looked back at the picture he still clutched tightly in his fingers. Sean looked down at the photo as well. “He sent it for my birthday.” He answered before the question was asked.
“It’s not your birthday until tomorrow Sean.” He chided the older man.
“Yeah well I’ve always been a bit quick off the mark now haven’t I.” Smiling into Orlando’s hair on hearing the slight teasing note in the younger mans voice.
“I’ll go.” Orlando mumbled into the crook of Sean’s neck. “Under one condition.”
“Orli…” Sean started. “There can’t be any conditions, either you go because you want help or you don’t. No conditions.”
“No you’re right, not a condition, a favour. If you say no I’ll understand, I’ll still go. I just need your help with something.”
Sean drew back and looked directly at Orlando. “If I can help I will, you know that. But I can’t fix things for you; you need to do that all on your own.”
“I know that Sean, I do know that. It’s about after. After I leave where ever I’m going. Will you. What I mean is would you, if you think… Fuck.” Orlando ran his fingers through his curls trying to gather his thoughts. “After… I’m going to need to go back, go back to Whistler and complete my sentence… fix things with Viggo, yeah? I know I’ve ruined any chance at anything with him, I just want him in my life, be his friend. He has so much to offer and I want that. I think I could learn a lot from him… if he’ll have me. I want to stay with him, while I do my community service. Will you help me, will you ask him?” Orlando looked very much like a young child, his eyes pleaded with Sean and almost got to him. Holding firm, he took Orlando’s hands into his own.
“I can’t ask him for you Orli, you need to do that.” Orlando looked disheartened, not sure that Viggo would even listen to him. “I will promise you that I’ll support you in this. I think it’s a fine idea, I will talk to him and let him know what I think, but *you* need to ask him. Fair enough?”
Orlando gave a nod. “Thank you Sean. I love you.” Sean stood, blinking rapidly, trying to clear the tears that were welling in his eyes. “Come I’ll introduce you to Evan, he’ll take you to Madrigal, if your ready to go.”
“Tonight?” Orli looked worried again; he had hoped he would have at least one more night to himself.
“Tonight, Orli. Come, I can’t promise you everything will be fine, just that it will be better than it is now.” He held out his hand for Orlando and waited at the door for the younger man to make his decision.
With a slight nod, Orlando took Sean’s hand and let himself be lead to whatever lay in his future.
TBC
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Date: 2005-09-18 05:48 am (UTC)Anyway, just wanted to delurk for a minute to tell you I think this is wonderful! Thanks so much for posting it! :)
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Date: 2005-09-18 05:52 am (UTC)thanks again, rb
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Date: 2005-09-18 06:21 am (UTC)great great great chpater..
they're going to fix thing, right? viggo is so lost now..
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Date: 2005-09-18 06:35 am (UTC)cheers, rb
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Date: 2005-09-18 06:38 am (UTC)this is such a powerful story, thank you for that
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Date: 2005-09-18 06:48 am (UTC)Yeah some pretty nasty things in this chapter. Friends are bound to understand, they were pretty much prepared for the worst. Cornering someone about their behaviour kinda brings that out in people. Getting help will be a good thing.
thanks for your kind words, *hugs* rb
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Date: 2005-09-18 07:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-18 07:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-18 07:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-18 01:07 pm (UTC)Off to write more...
*hugs* rb
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Date: 2005-09-18 01:25 pm (UTC)The intervention had me all choked up, and Orlando breaking down and agreeing to go get help made me cry.
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Date: 2005-09-18 01:51 pm (UTC)*hugs* rb
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Date: 2005-09-18 04:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-18 04:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-18 05:27 pm (UTC)I felt so sad reading that. Orlando is lucky to have so many friends, and maybe things will go better after being in rehab. But he needs to break up with Kate too, and I don't see that happen so easily.
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Date: 2005-09-19 04:07 am (UTC)Cheers, rb
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Date: 2005-09-18 11:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-19 04:08 am (UTC)cheers, rb
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Date: 2005-09-19 04:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-19 04:05 am (UTC)cheers, rb
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Date: 2005-09-19 04:09 am (UTC)(giggles back, but it's new castle that's getting to me ;-)
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Date: 2005-09-19 05:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-20 05:04 pm (UTC)cheers, rb
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Date: 2005-09-26 09:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-27 03:54 pm (UTC)