Slippery Slope 10/?
Aug. 29th, 2005 10:16 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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vigorliTitle: Slippery Slope
Chapter: 10/?
Author: Rocketbalm
Pairing: OB/VM
Rating: R for language
Summary: the three R's - Revulsion, Rebuke, and Revelation
Content/warnings: AU, steeped in angst
Spoilers: None.
Posted: Mirrormere, VOLA and LJ
Disclaimer: Blatantly not true, fiction
ficotion (fik shen)
An imaginative creation or a pretense that does not represent actuality but has been invented. A lie. A literary work whose content is produced by the imagination and is not necessarily based on fact.
Author's note: A special thanks to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
pecos for rec'ing my fic. I was thrilled and flattered that she would think it worthy and I thank her from the bottom of my heart for sending so many wonderful readers my way. *hugs*.
Chapter 10
It hadn't taken long for Brian to get word on what had happened; an ex-lover on the force had given him the heads-up before Orlando had even been booked. Two phone calls later and he had the gist of the story and had asked Dom and Elijah to stay with Viggo until he got there. Viggo needed his immediate attention; dealing with Orlando would have to wait. The ride up the mountain seemed excruciating but it gave Brian time to think and make some phone calls.
First, he called Mike and left a message as to what had happened so he could work out how to deal with the media fallout. Second, he called Sean. Sean had been amazing when Viggo had briefly disassociated after the attempt on his life. Brian hoped that with Sean's help and advice they could bring Viggo back relatively quickly, from what Dom had described as a condition similar to what had occurred before. After spending precious minutes getting Sean to wake up and fully understand the situation as he knew it, the two men spoke with a sense of urgency, agreeing that dealing with Viggo's situation was the more pressing one. Brian knew that Orlando was in good hands with the medical staff at the clinic and with Rob at the detachment, his biggest concern was that he wouldn't be able to reach Viggo before he slid completely into a depersonalized state.
Reaching the mountain top still talking to Sean, Brian wound his way through the party that was still in full swing to the office where he'd find Viggo. Handing the phone to Dom, mouthing the word 'Sean' he went and knelt directly in front of Viggo, placing his hands gently on Viggo's knees. "Hey Vig, I know it's a silly question, but humour me okay? How are you doing?" Viggo turned slowly and looked toward Brian, although the younger man wasn't all together sure that Viggo was actually looking at him. "Vig. I'm here, I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere, all right. You're safe… We're all safe… All of us..." His voice was gentle as he repeated the phrases the Sean had given him; hoping for a reaction or at least recognition.
In the background Brian could hear Elijah's voice gaining in volume, not at all pleased with how much concern was being shown to Viggo. He turned to glare at the young man and signal to Dom to shut him up. He guessed that Sean overheard Elijah as well, as he watched Dom solemnly hand the younger man the phone.
[Sean] "Elijah, lad, you need to calm down."
[Elijah] "But Sean, no one cares about what's happening to Orli. Who gives a fuck if Viggo is spacing out - he deserves it, he did this to Orli. He fucked everything up.
[Sean] "Elijah... Stop. I want you to listen to me very carefully."
[Elijah] "But, Sean..."
[Sean] "No Elijah, listen. You are dead wrong that no one cares about Orli. If I didn't know how distraught you are, I'd be bloody well insulted. Orli means the world to me and you well know that. This isn't a match to see who means more between the two and right now there is naught that we can do for Orli. Brian has assured me that he is being cared for by people he trusts including a personal friend who is a police officer that is watching over him in an enclosed room where they usually hold injured prisoners -- he's not in some cell being held with thieves and murders. There is *nothing* we can do for Orli tonight. I want you to understand and accept that."
[Elijah] "Fine… But he's all alone Sean. Alone and Viggo put him there."
[Sean] "Shut it Elijah. You have no idea of what you speak. Viggo did far less to Orlando than Orlando did and has been doing to himself for a long while. If you need someone to be angry with, be angry with me for not seeing this coming. Viggo needs us right now. I'll not go into detail of the whys but I'll tell you this. Right now Viggo needs to feel safe or he might slip farther into a depersonalized state. If you can't do that, if you can't keep quiet and be supportive of what Brian is trying to do, then I strongly suggest you leave the room until you can be."
[Elijah] "I... but... fine…"
[Sean] ""Lij, I'm serious. This is serious… Tomorrow, I promise you that I will show as much care and attention to Orli that I show to Viggo tonight. This isn't a competition. I need you to trust in me and trust in Brian. Orli will be going with Brian tomorrow when he is released. We think it's for the best. Will you trust us? Will you do that, lad?"
[Elijah] "I… yeah, Sean. I will. It's just hard you know. I can't imagine how fucking scared he is right now."
[Sean] "I know lad. I know… Can you tell me how Brian is doing? Is Viggo responding?""
[Elijah] "Umm… I'm not sure…"
After several minutes of continuous soothing reassurance Brian could see Viggo struggling to come back to him; his eyes flickered and seemed to come focus before he blinked rapidly as if seeing Brian for the first time.
"YB?" Viggo asked confused.
"Yeah, it's me Vig, I'm here. I need you to talk to me okay. Tell me what's going on in there." Brian brushed Viggo's hair from his eyes.
"I… I'm scared YB. I'm um… I'm scared for me and I'm scared for Orli." The older man shook his head and rubbed his eyes. "I don't know how it came apart so fast."
"I know babe. I know. You're safe here though. I'm here and Sean's on the phone he wants to talk to you too. Okay babe?" Brian motioned for Elijah to bring the phone over.
Viggo offered his friend a wry grin. "I must really be fucked up if you called Sean." Gratefully, Viggo took the phone from Elijah's pale fingers. "Sean?"
[Sean] "Hey Vig, your scaring me love. What's happened? I've already heard the essentials from Brian, so you can go right to what's happened with you; with Orli…"
[Viggo] "I thought… but I was wrong, and then he… Fuck. Sean I was so angry with him. I hurt him, Sean." The last words were whispered, barely audible.
[Sean] "I know Vig. I know. Mostly he hurt himself, you have to believe that. You may have been the catalyst, but it was a long time coming. What I need to know Vig, is what made you go away from us? What made you shut down like that?"
[Viggo] "I'm, I don't know Sean. He, I… what he said really hurt, but when I saw him crumble and break apart… God Sean, it scared me so much. I just wanted to take him away from everyone and everything. But I can't Sean. I can't go back there, you know that. But…" Again his voice trailed off and Sean had to urge him to continue. "When she told us what happened to Orli, Fuck Sean, I went cold. I was so scared." The tears were streaming down his face now, and his voice trembled, almost childlike.
[Sean] "He's safe Vig, you both are. Is that what did it? Were you scared you were going to lose him, Vig"
[Viggo] "No…" Viggo whispered. "I mean that scared me too. I couldn't bear losing him like that; he deserves to know a better life. He deservers so much more Sean and he can't see that… It was when I…When the RCMP told me he was likely going to be charged. God Sean, it happened almost three years ago and yet I can still hear the same words reverberate in my head over all the beeps and pings of the machines I was hooked to. It was like an echo reaching across time. *we're considering charges against him. One count of Theft over $5,000 and one of Reckless endangerment…* it just kept ringing in my head over and over and I knew I was slipping away, I just couldn't get back you know? I was back there in the hospital wanting to yell at anyone who did would listen but I couldn't move. I wanted to tell them that they had it wrong… that it was James that did this to me, not some kid, but I couldn't talk. I guess it was too much Sean. It was just too much."
[Sean] "Your safe Vig, you're both safe, all right. I wish I could be there with you both, but I can't. I can't leave England right now. But that doesn't mean I won't be a pain in your arse from across the pond okay. We need to make sure you don't go back there again, all right.
[Viggo] "I won't Sean. It's passed and I'm not going back. No matter how awful this feels, I need to feel it, own it. I'm okay now Sean, thank you." His voice had lost its tremble and taken on a more sure tone that comforted the Brit somewhat.
[Sean] "I'm glad Vig. I know this is hard but you need to go home and rest. Brian will stay with you until he goes gets Orli in the morning.
[Viggo] "Brian is going to get Orli?"
[Sean] "We thought it would be best, Dom and Elijah will draw too much attention. Do you want to go? We thought you it best if you had some time to think about it, it could well be very emotional for both of you."
[Viggo] 'I'm not sure, I… I don't know if it would be a good idea right now. I need to sort out what I'm feeling and right now I'm overwhelmingly angry."
[Sean] "Anger's not a bad thing, Vig. I'd rather see you angry than hold on to everything and fade out on us again. From what I understand Orli said some pretty hurtful things."
[Viggo] "That's part of it Sean. I mean I was furious with him at the time. I realize he was lashing out and I was the best target, that I can deal with. It's just… Fuck Sean, I'm not sure it's rational."
[Sean] "Come now Vig, you've told me many a time that feelings aren't necessarily rational, they just are. Tell me what has you so upset."
[Viggo] "I… I'm angry that Orlando can't see what he's doing to himself that he won't fight for something better. I'm furious with whoever fucking hurt him so much that he can't see his own self-worth. I fucking hate that, what I let James do still haunts and affects me. Fuck Sean, I went back there so quickly - I thought I was past this, I've worked so hard to move on and yet I'm back here again. I'm angry that I can't help Orlando and I'm angry that I can't let go of wanting to." Viggo paused and added quietly, "And, more than anything, I'm angry that he gives up so easily on himself… on us."
[Sean] "Oh Vig, I'm so sorry. I wish I could be there, I wish I could make this better. I should have known that Orli was teetering on the edge. He's just been so busy; I haven't seen much of him and well, I let him down. I wish you had met him when I had, God Vig, he was so full of life, wanting to savour each experience… so open and free. In the end he paid a heavy price for that openness."
[Viggo] "It's not gone Sean, I've seen it. He hasn't lost it; he just needs to fight for it and I can't help him do that. It's too close to where I was and finding I was falling for him just scared the shit out of me."
[Sean] "You know I love both of you, and I'll not choose between you… What ever you need to do, what ever you decide is best for you, I will support you in, you know that.
[Viggo] "That I do know Sean. Thank you."
Viggo didn't know exactly when he made his decision; it could have been on the long chair ride down the mountain or perhaps in lying in the dark where a scant twenty-four hours before he had lain with Orlando - somewhere before the pale winter light of dawn broke he had decided to tell Orlando everything. If for no other reason than to help Orlando understand him better. He would go and hit a ball around the squash court in the morning and work out some of his residual anger and then he would go to Orlando and do what he had planned to, tell him about James and all that came after.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Orlando lay in the darkened guest bedroom of Brian's home waiting for the feeling of relief to wash over him. Remembering how Brian had offered them as they left the detachment, saying that Viggo had thought he might need them as he handed him a small bag with a change of clothes and various items he might want. Viggo. He remembered almost everything from the night before in painfully graphic detail. Riding down the mountain; heart barely contained in his chest, just needing to feel free, not caring about anything but being away from everyone. He remembered hitting the snow bank hard; the sound of the windscreen cracking, the confusion as he saw the white snow stained with drops of red and not understanding that it was his own blood. He remembered the doctor pulling his skin taught as he stitched the skin along his hairline together. He could still feel the shame burned into his cheeks as he stood for his 'mug-shot' and waited for his fingers to be inked and printed. But the thing he remembered most clearly was the feeling of abandonment when he found Brian and not Viggo waiting to pick him up upon his release.
When Brian had brought him to his own home instead of Viggo's he had stopped caring what was being said to him; he stared glassy eyed as Brian told him that Mike would be arriving late the next day and that Brian had hired a lawyer for him. Sean spent an hour speaking to him, his voice soothing and words wise and caring. Dom and Elijah arrived and smothered him with concern and did their best to care for him before Orlando excused himself and asked to lie down. It had been forty-eight minutes since he'd taken his pills, forty-eight minutes that he could still feel every ache and bruise both physical and emotional, forty-eight minutes in which to slide further into self-loathing.
Orlando heard a light tap and then the quiet snick of the lock before the knob turned and the door swung inwards. Somehow, he knew it was Viggo before he'd even had the chance to raise his head and he knew that Viggo was here to tell him that whatever they were moving toward was over and Orlando couldn't bring himself to be a willing participant in that conversation. Instead he lay unmoving, hoping that Viggo would just leave without speaking, knowing that words would wound him deeper than anything else that had happened.
Viggo stood in the doorway and watched as Orlando laid motionless on the bed. The soft rise and fall of his chest the only tell tale sign that he was not carved of stone. After several minutes Viggo moved to sit carefully on the edge of the bed, barely able to hold back the gasp as he saw Orli's beautiful face purpled and swollen with a line of neat stitches barely visible as the blended with the darkened skin. Thinking the younger man hand fallen into a well needed sleep, Viggo raised a tentative hand to Orli's cheek, needing the contact. "Don't!" Orli flinched at the touch and pulled away still not opening his eyes,
"Sorry, must still hurt." Viggo moved further back on the bed giving Orlando more room.
"Not as much as knowing why you're here." Orlando snapped his eyes open and locked with Viggo's as he sat up, leaning against the headboard.
Confused, Viggo asked, "Why I'm here? I'm here because I thought we should talk, because I really didn't want to leave things the way they were." Hoping that he could get through to Orli.
"But you are going to *leave things* aren't you Vig. That's why you're really here, isn't it, to ease your conscience after indirectly throwing me out of your house." Orlando's eyes swam with the hurt that he felt.
"I didn't *indirectly* do anything. Everyone, and by everyone, I mean Sean, Brian, Dom and Elijah thought it was the best thing for you to come here." Viggo tried to reason with him, keeping his tones calm and measured.
"And what did you think Vig? Did you think it was best?" Orlando's volume matched Viggo's yet the tone held a decided edge.
Viggo stared intently at the young man, wanting nothing more than to find a common ground on which they could move forward from. "Orlando, I didn't come here to argue with you. I came to talk to you, to share with you some things that might help you understand where I'm coming from by learning where I've been. I think I may have some idea how you feel."
Fixedly, Orlando stared back at Viggo while he struggled with his response to Viggo's words, knowing that there was an element of irrationality to his reactions but unable to stop the brewing torrent of resentment stemming from similar words spoken by a dissimilar man.
//Do I know how you feel? Let's get this straight Orlando, what you feel is no longer relevant, what I tell you to feel is all that matters.//
"How I feel, Viggo. Let me tell you a little of how I feel. I feel lied to and from the look on your face I can tell you have no idea why. Isn't that priceless." Orlando let out a strangled laugh. "I'll let you off the hook, Vig. I feel abandoned or rather about to be abandoned - cause that's why you're here isn't it. So all that 'disappointment doesn't mean abandonment' speech was just bit of fluff to make me believe in you, wasn't it, or were you just so far up on your high horse that you didn't realize that I believed everything you said, I believed in you?" Orlando's voice cracked with emotion as the words poured forth almost in sob.
"Orlando, wait. I need to tell…" Viggo's heart constricted as he rushed in trying to explain.
"No Vig, you've told me enough. Now I'm going to tell you a few things. You made me think that you believed in me and when I needed you, when I came to *you* after a complete shit of a shout out with Kate *you* rejected me, made me feel lower than shite on the bottom of your shoe. Even after that, when I found myself locked in the little fucking cement room at the police station, *you* are what I thought about. *You* are the one person I thought would be there, *you* are what kept me going, through that horrible night. *You* Viggo. And when they released me, when I finally got to leave, *you* were no where to be found." Orlando tears were streaming steadily as he continued.
"And now, now you've come to tell me you know how I feel. You have no idea how I feel. You think I want to live this way, to be this needy, pathetic person, who bends to the will those that demand things of me? Whether it's my fans, the studios, my publicist, Christ even my family and friends - everyone wants a piece of me and I just bend over, and hand it to them. I have to surf or bungee just to feel like I'm the one in control. Out there I'm the one who chooses which wave to ride or when to jump; and for those few short seconds I'm free. Free to feel whatever the fuck I want or nothing at all." Orlando wiped his nose on the back of his hand a furiously brushed the tears from his eyes.
"And I tell you, feeling nothing at all would be welcome most days. I can see your disgust at how I rely on my pills; I'm not completely daft or so self-absorbed that I haven't noticed. Until you've lived with pain, Vig, real pain, you have no idea what my life is like. I touched on it last night, but that was but a glimpse into what it's like. Those pills don't control my pain Vig, the pain controls me. It controls what I get done in a day, whether I get out of bed, it controls everything I do and how well I'm able to do it. I know there are things I can do to help, but the in the moment when your body is aches so much and your so exhausted by the constant tension from your muscles trying to keep the pain at a barely tolerable level, the thought of getting up and doing your stretches or calling someone to give you a massage is too much effort - some days those pills are the only thing between you and insanity." Orlando's tone was increasingly defensive as his tears dried and body became rigid with tension.
"You're making a lot of unfounded assumptions, Orli. I probably have a better idea about pain than you know." Viggo said quietly.
"Yeah well it seems there have been a whole lot of people making assumptions lately. I've got Kate making assumptions about did or didn't happen in New Zealand, and is quite willing to sell that info to the press if I don't go back to her; my friends assume that I'm losing my mind, which I may well be; and didn't you make some assumptions last night, Vig?" Orli voice had taken a biting edge and he was just warming up. He knew that his emotions were getting the better of him, but he was too tired to hold back. He just kept on with his verbal assault, aware that he was jumping from thought to though, sometimes without rhyme or reason. All the tension, hurt and fear that had been building in the week since he split with Kate came bubbling to the surface in one long, stream of consciousness rant with Viggo caught square in the crosshairs.
"You think because you've suffered emotional pain that you can compare that to what I've been through, what I go through. Don't presume to know Viggo. I'm not trying to negate your emotional scars or the pain you've been through, but other than the pain of betrayal the similarities end there. You've probably dealt with your pain a lot better than I have, learned from the experience and are far better equipped to move on, but you haven't Vig, have you. You're great with words, great at getting people to look within themselves for answers, but the truth is you haven't done that yourself have you. Bit hypocritical isn't it? You presume to know what I'm capable of and you put all the expectations out there, and fuck, I so wanted to be able to be that person, live up to those expectations, but I couldn't, I can't. Maybe I'm destined to be a fuck up, maybe that's my lot in life, I don't know. I do know that there are worse things to be and there are people that are more fucked up than I am, and I don't need you to stand in front of me, clad in your self-righteousness and tell me how to live my life when your living with all these walls, so afraid to let anyone close, that at this rate, your going to die a lonely old man.
Viggo flinched at the words aimed directly at him, aware that there was a measure of truth in what was said though there was much more that was just hurtful. He hadn't been prepared for the hurt and anger that was leveled at him and his own psyche was still too fragile to stay and try to reason with emotionally raw young man. Viggo tried to quell his anger, telling himself that Orlando was overwrought, though when he finally did speak there was a cool iciness that formed around the words. "I can't do this Orli. I thought I could but I can't. Viggo raised himself from the bed, his eyes never leaving Orlando, as he wondered if he would ever be this close to Orlando again.
"I regret so many things about this last week; things I could have done differently, things I should have shared, comfort I could have offered, but one thing I'll never regret, Orli, is every moment that I got to spend with you - no matter how good or bad the moments were, they are ours and I'll never forget them." Viggo opened the door, finally turning away from the young man who still captured his heart and as he walked away he heard Orli call out in frustration.
"So that's it Vig, you're going to run away, when things get tough, you just leave."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Orlando had awakened that morning with a feeling of dread that didn't improve as the day went on. Today he would have to face everything that had happened. Mike would be arriving early evening and try to work out a strategy for spinning this debacle in the media. The thought of facing Mike was daunting, even though, technically, Mike is his employee. Mike was very displeased, which meant he would cut to the chase and tell him directly what he would need to do to without softening any of the undesirable details. As much as Orlando didn't want to admit it, it was more than fair after everything that happened. Then there was Viggo. Dom and Elijah said they would go around and collect all his things from Viggo's but Orlando didn't want that. He wanted one last opportunity to walk through the place he had felt more at home in than anywhere since he left his mothers house at sixteen. Brian arranged to take him while Viggo was at his squash tournament that afternoon, which would leave Orlando time alone with his memories as he gathered his things.
If it didn't hurt so much it would almost be funny that he finally understood something that he always thought sound so trite; that there truly was a thin line between love and hate. Emotions swung with pendulum regularity between the two, leaving him with the distinct feeling of not knowing whether to laugh or cry. When he closed his eyes so many mages flashed by like a slide show out of control. *click* Viggo's eyes pleading with him to take the phone and talk to Sean… *click* Blue/green/grey eyes, broad shoulders, sandy, slightly disheveled hair, crooked grin…. *click* Viggo's bare feet as he stood before him offering comfort after seeing Kate on TV… *click* Viggo sprawled on the couch, bare feet twitching in time to the jazz CD that played while he read. *click* A shattered vase and fresh flowers in a tangled heap on the floor. *click* Viggo, cheeks flushed, hair streaming from his face as he flew down the mountain. *click* Viggo eyes, hooded and laden with passion as they separated from their kiss… *click* Viggo's look of delight fading to disgust as when he discovered him to be drunk… *click* A Viggo bathed in a puddle of moonlight as Viggo sketched… *click* Viggo's faded t-shirt clad back as he walked out the door for the last time.
"Orli?" Brian's muffled voice barely carried through the closed door, interrupting Orlando's thoughts. The door open slowly and Brian entered slowly. "Hey." He nodded to the figure that hadn't moved on the bed.
"Is it time?" Orlando stomach dropped in anticipation of where he was about to go and what he was about to do. "Not yet Orli. We have to make a stop on the way… I forgot that Vig still has the Rover and, from what I hear, all of your stuff won't fit into the 'vertible, even if I put the top down. We're going to have to stop at the squash club to trade vehicles. You gonna be okay with that? I mean you could always wait in the car while I grab the keys."
Orlando took a deep breath and raised himself up to look at Brian in the dimly lit room. "I know I've been acting like it YB, but I'm not a child. As long as you don't think it'll cause any problems for Vig, I'd like to go in. It's been a long time since I played squash and I'd love to have a quick look." Orlando knew that he wasn't fooling Brian with that story, but he didn't care. He really wanted to see Viggo again even if it was through a glass partition.
"Kay, Orli. Shouldn't be a problem at all. We'll just stay near the back and keep a low profile. You ready?" Orlando nodded and mumbled to himself, "As ready as I'll ever be."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
The club was fairly full, people had traveled from out of town to participate and the caliber of play was outstanding. The smell of sweat drying on skin should have been offensive but was barely noticeable in the well ventilated viewing area. The courts were glass backed for optimum viewing and a series of staggered bleachers had been set up directly facing each court for spectators. The crowd was noticeably hushed as a heated match ensued at court level. The loud squeak of non-skid soles on varnished hardwood was accompanied by the loud whomp of the ball as it was stroked solidly and rebounded off the front wall followed by the grunts of exertion from the two men. Both dressed in all white as the club rules dictated, the two men were should have been difficult to identify behind their sweatbands and protective goggles, but Orlando picked out Viggo almost immediately. He showed the same innate grace that he had on the snowfield within the confinement of the cement and glass court. Both men were drenched in sweat as the action on court reached game point. Orlando soon learned from the referee's announcement that the they were in there third game of five and Viggo was down two nothing and was on the verge of winning his first game.
Orlando held his breath as Viggo lobbed his serve to the rear of the court and his opponent picked off the back wall easily. Moving to the T Viggo positioned himself perfectly to return and easy crosscourt shot. Again he forced his opponent to retrieve the ball from the back corner off the wall and kept him off balance just enough until he was ready to go for a kill shot. His opponent dove to the front court trying desperately to make the shot and received a racquet full of air, as the ball died off the side wall. Viggo dropped his racquet and moved off the court, exhausted, his shirt soaked.
Brian left Orlando standing next to the bleachers; hat pulled low on his brow, a purpling bruise shadowed a good portion of his left side. No one bothered him, those that recognized him turned away without comment. Brian reached Viggo as the referee called the three minute warning before the opponents were required back on court. Vig nodded to his squash bag, as he continued to drink a half liter of water. Orlando watched with rapt attention, as sweat dripped down his brow and ran down his neck into the already soaked collar of his shirt. Tossing the empty bottle toward his bag he lifted his shirt to wipe his face and realized it had no capacity to dry anything anymore. Ripping it over his head he tossed it next to the water bottle and turned to ask Brian for a fresh shirt from his bag. Orlando froze, mouth open although no breath entered to left for many moments as he barely registered the slight murmur that went up from the crowd at the shirtless back before them.
Brian stood, Viggo's shirt in one hand and the keys to the rover in the other and caught Orlando's gaping astonishment. Baffled he gave Vig's shoulder a quick squeezed in a gesture of support and made his way back to where Orlando stood. Turning back to the court he realized in an instant what had caused the reaction. The shock on Orlando's face was etched almost as deeply as the angry network of scar tissue that slashed its way across the broad and sturdy back before them, curling around his ribcage in an ugly embrace. "He never told you, did he? He said he was going to, so I just thought you knew." Orlando still couldn't speak and just shook his head. "We can't talk about this here. You okay to stay until the end of the match or should we get out of here?" Again Orlando shook his head but was finally able to speak. "Stay, I want to stay." Brian took his hand and squeezed it in support.
When the match resumed, Viggo was on fire, almost as if he had been toying with his opponent in the first three matches. With precision and athletic prowess he took apart his opponent's game systematically, winning the next two games handily. Brian tugged Orli's hand as the two men on court were shaking hands. "I think we should go." Orlando could barely tear his eyes away from Viggo, but followed reluctantly, turning away just as the ice blue eyes of the man he had come to love leveled on him and watched him leave.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Climbing into the Rover, Orli turned to Brian as the hot tears began to fall. "I'm such a stupid twat. He came to tell me yesterday. I know that now. I didn't let him say what he came to say. I'm a complete fucking idiot." Brian hugged the young man close. "We all fuck up Orli, all of us. You're just on the express-lane to fuck ups right now. I think you need to know what happened, at least the part that he was going to tell you." He stroked Orli's hair, marveling at how wonderfully silky the curls were. "You ready to listen now?" Brian pulled back to look at Orli and when he got a sniffle and a nod, he started the Rover. "Good. Let's go get your stuff and we'll talk on the way."
Orlando buckled his seatbelt and turned off the radio, not willing to have anything distract from what Brian had to say. "Fuck, Orli. I know this story inside and out and I don't even know where to start. Let's see. I told you about James and his embezzling, right?" Seeing a nod in his peripheral vision he continued. "Okay. When Sean came and kicked James out we had hoped that would be the worst of it. It was not long after that that, they became aware that much of the money stolen was going to drug debts, designer highs of prescription painkillers, uppers and downers. When they discovered exactly how much money was taken, they had no choice but to go to the police and press charges." They pulled into Viggo's driveway and continued the story.
"Vig was shocked. He knew that James took pills for some medical issues but had never really paid much attention to what they were and for his part, James kept his usage down whenever he spent a lot of time with Viggo. After the charges were laid, James tried so many times to get to Viggo alone, convince him that there was some terrible mistake and then later just to apologize. The real issue was with James' family. He came from money and was pretty much the black sheep but they continued to support him with a meager 'allowance' which he supplemented by stealing from Viggo. Well the family was threatening to cut him off if he didn't fix the mess he made privately, without attention from the media. When Viggo wouldn't play ball James started getting nasty. Sean had the phone number changed three times, but he somehow kept getting it and would phone, completely high and in a rage issuing all kinds of threats. Finally Sean convinced Viggo to get a restraining order. For a while it seemed to help. The calls stopped and they never saw him at all. Sean was thinking it was time to go back to England and promised Vig that he'd be back for the trial, if James didn't plead out before that." Brian looked away for a moment, realizing that even after three years it wasn't an easy story to tell.
"I wasn't there for any of this, I was still in Hong Kong so I can only tell you what I've heard from both Sean and Viggo and what I heard in court." Orlando nodded, his eyes imploring him to continued. "The morning before he was due to leave is when it happened. When Sean first arrived he had made a point of making sure Vig left the house every day, even if it was just to go get a morning coffee. So each day the two of them would ski down to the village and walk to Citta's for a coffee and read the paper. That morning they were about to leave, Sean was standing, folding his paper, his back to the street, and Viggo was finishing his coffee when he saw a car veer from the street and come straight toward them. Viggo froze momentarily; he said it was like everything was in slow motion. He saw that Sean couldn't see the car, he couldn't call out in time so he did the only thing he could. He dove across the little café table between them and shoved Sean out of the way. The car barely grazed Sean, leaving him with cuts and abrasions, but Viggo… Fuck, Orli… The car caught him mid flight as he pushed Sean out of the way, threw him up on the hood as the car crashed through the plate glass front window of the cafe and pinned him between the car's hood and the coffee bar. Sean said there was so much blood, Orli, he almost bled out right there." Orli's eyes were swimming with tears as he watched the horror as it replayed across Brian's face as he remembered all the details of that day. The two men hugged and cried knowing how different things might be today if the accident never had happened. After several minutes Orli pulled back.
"Was it fucking James?" Orlando spat the name with disgust.
"No Orli, it wasn't, it would have been better if it had been. No it was a young kid in a stolen car." Brian paused and held Orlando's hand, wondering if what he was about to say would be understood. "Initially, the police charged him with 'theft over $5,000 and reckless endangerment'." He paused studying Orlando carefully. It took a moment for the words to register with the young actor. "Oh Fuck." He put his head in his hands and sobbed. Suddenly it all made sense. Elijah had told him the Viggo had completely spaced out after he found out his arrest and the subsequent. That he didn't speak or move for nearly and hour and that Brian and Sean had to talk back to reality. James was a pill popping, fucker who stole and ripped out Viggo's heart. The man that nearly killed Viggo was charged with the same thing the he himself had been charged with yesterday. Viggo trying to explain to him he understood pain better than he might think… Fuck what an arsehole he had been. He looked at Brian who was running a soothing hand up his back. "There's more isn't there?" He murmured as Brian nodded. "You sure you're up for hearing the rest right now?" Brian was concerned, knowing how much strain Orlando was already under. "I have to know Brian. Please. I need to know."
"They airlifted Viggo to Vancouver for emergency surgery, he broke his jaw, three ribs, and had an amazing amount of internal damage as well as all the lacerations that you saw scarring his back. Sean never left his side, knowing that Viggo had literally saved his life and in at the same time almost ended his own. I flew back from Hong Kong and the two of us sat in that hospital for almost two days before he opened his eyes. He couldn't speak because they had to wire it shut to let the jaw heal. Later he was able to write notes but those early days, there was very little he could do to communicate. When the RCMP came to let us know that the kid was being charged. Viggo struggled to get up from the bed, he did anything to get our attention, but we had no idea what he was trying to say. But he knew. He knew from the moment the car swerved off the street and toward them that James was behind it. Eventually the RCMP broke the kid, another pill popping junkie, and the whole story came out. James hired the little punk to make it look like an accident and in return he would give him $250,000 that he had stolen from Viggo." Orlando practically vibrated with anger. "That fucking bastard!"
"You've got that right. Well the little bastard eventually pleaded no contest after being pressured by his family to make it go away quietly. There was no trial, though Viggo was able to give a victim impact statement in the hopes that James would go away for a long time. He didn't; he got seven and half to fifteen years." Brian was drained. The memories of how Viggo was during his recovery were brutal. Somehow between Sean and himself they managed to stay sane. Orli stared out the window of the Rover for a long time, putting pieces together that hadn't made sense before; the sketch he found, the poem; Viggo's attitude toward his pills; Viggo's reluctance to get closer yet he hungered for intimacy, to be touched; his understanding of pain. It was all so overwhelming. "Sean took him to the UK didn't he? That's why he was there, to recover, yeah?" Orlando asked.
"Yeah we thought it best to be away from here for a while. In a small town everyone means well, but he couldn't got the grocery store without people talking to him about what happened. Sean was with him all the time, I was tied up in the project in Hong Kong so I was here as much as I could be but it was when I was away that he started to go into periods of disassociation, similar to what happened last night. We decided then he should get away from here and Sean took him back England and the improvement was remarkable."
"I never knew YB. I… never knew. Sean never said. I can't believe he almost fucking died and I never knew… I was trying so hard not to fuck up my own life again that I didn't think to look and see if my friend, my best, fucking friend, might need me." Orli was sobbing again.
"Shhh, Orli you didn't know. I know that. Sean didn't tell you. He thought he was doing the best thing for you. He didn't know you'd meet Viggo someday and well… you know… here we are." Brian hugged the younger man as his sobs slowly subsided.
"I'm going to fix this YB. I don't know how, but I'm going to fix this." Orli sniffled.
"I know Orli, I know." Brian wasn't sure if there was anything left to fix.
TBC
Author's Note: This chapter got away from me as well and I had to split it out into two. It's looking like the next chapter will be shorter than the usual length - but then on the upside it won't take me as long to write…
RCMP - Royal Canadian Mounted Police
Detachment - RCMP stations are referred to as detachments
Squash Picture Links: For those of you who don't know how sexy hot sweaty squash players are, or what a squash court looks like, here are some pictures. http://www.squashpics.com/2005_events.htm
Depersonalization is the third most common psychologicical experience, after feelings of anxiety and feelings of depression, and often occurs after a person experiences life threatening danger, such as an accident, assault, or serious illness or injury. Depersonalization disorder often disappears without any form of treatment and therefore professional treatment is usually recommended only if the disorder persists, recurs, or causes distress. Depersonalization disorder is marked by a feeling of detachment or distance from one's own experience, body, or self. These feelings of depersonalization are recurrent. Of the dissociative disorders, depersonalization is the one most easily identified with by the general public; one can easily relate to feeling as they in a dream, or being "spaced out." Feeling out of control of one's actions and movements is something that people describe when intoxicated.
Chapter: 10/?
Author: Rocketbalm
Pairing: OB/VM
Rating: R for language
Summary: the three R's - Revulsion, Rebuke, and Revelation
Content/warnings: AU, steeped in angst
Spoilers: None.
Posted: Mirrormere, VOLA and LJ
Disclaimer: Blatantly not true, fiction
ficotion (fik shen)
An imaginative creation or a pretense that does not represent actuality but has been invented. A lie. A literary work whose content is produced by the imagination and is not necessarily based on fact.
Author's note: A special thanks to
pecos for rec'ing my fic. I was thrilled and flattered that she would think it worthy and I thank her from the bottom of my heart for sending so many wonderful readers my way. *hugs*.Chapter 10
It hadn't taken long for Brian to get word on what had happened; an ex-lover on the force had given him the heads-up before Orlando had even been booked. Two phone calls later and he had the gist of the story and had asked Dom and Elijah to stay with Viggo until he got there. Viggo needed his immediate attention; dealing with Orlando would have to wait. The ride up the mountain seemed excruciating but it gave Brian time to think and make some phone calls.
First, he called Mike and left a message as to what had happened so he could work out how to deal with the media fallout. Second, he called Sean. Sean had been amazing when Viggo had briefly disassociated after the attempt on his life. Brian hoped that with Sean's help and advice they could bring Viggo back relatively quickly, from what Dom had described as a condition similar to what had occurred before. After spending precious minutes getting Sean to wake up and fully understand the situation as he knew it, the two men spoke with a sense of urgency, agreeing that dealing with Viggo's situation was the more pressing one. Brian knew that Orlando was in good hands with the medical staff at the clinic and with Rob at the detachment, his biggest concern was that he wouldn't be able to reach Viggo before he slid completely into a depersonalized state.
Reaching the mountain top still talking to Sean, Brian wound his way through the party that was still in full swing to the office where he'd find Viggo. Handing the phone to Dom, mouthing the word 'Sean' he went and knelt directly in front of Viggo, placing his hands gently on Viggo's knees. "Hey Vig, I know it's a silly question, but humour me okay? How are you doing?" Viggo turned slowly and looked toward Brian, although the younger man wasn't all together sure that Viggo was actually looking at him. "Vig. I'm here, I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere, all right. You're safe… We're all safe… All of us..." His voice was gentle as he repeated the phrases the Sean had given him; hoping for a reaction or at least recognition.
In the background Brian could hear Elijah's voice gaining in volume, not at all pleased with how much concern was being shown to Viggo. He turned to glare at the young man and signal to Dom to shut him up. He guessed that Sean overheard Elijah as well, as he watched Dom solemnly hand the younger man the phone.
[Sean] "Elijah, lad, you need to calm down."
[Elijah] "But Sean, no one cares about what's happening to Orli. Who gives a fuck if Viggo is spacing out - he deserves it, he did this to Orli. He fucked everything up.
[Sean] "Elijah... Stop. I want you to listen to me very carefully."
[Elijah] "But, Sean..."
[Sean] "No Elijah, listen. You are dead wrong that no one cares about Orli. If I didn't know how distraught you are, I'd be bloody well insulted. Orli means the world to me and you well know that. This isn't a match to see who means more between the two and right now there is naught that we can do for Orli. Brian has assured me that he is being cared for by people he trusts including a personal friend who is a police officer that is watching over him in an enclosed room where they usually hold injured prisoners -- he's not in some cell being held with thieves and murders. There is *nothing* we can do for Orli tonight. I want you to understand and accept that."
[Elijah] "Fine… But he's all alone Sean. Alone and Viggo put him there."
[Sean] "Shut it Elijah. You have no idea of what you speak. Viggo did far less to Orlando than Orlando did and has been doing to himself for a long while. If you need someone to be angry with, be angry with me for not seeing this coming. Viggo needs us right now. I'll not go into detail of the whys but I'll tell you this. Right now Viggo needs to feel safe or he might slip farther into a depersonalized state. If you can't do that, if you can't keep quiet and be supportive of what Brian is trying to do, then I strongly suggest you leave the room until you can be."
[Elijah] "I... but... fine…"
[Sean] ""Lij, I'm serious. This is serious… Tomorrow, I promise you that I will show as much care and attention to Orli that I show to Viggo tonight. This isn't a competition. I need you to trust in me and trust in Brian. Orli will be going with Brian tomorrow when he is released. We think it's for the best. Will you trust us? Will you do that, lad?"
[Elijah] "I… yeah, Sean. I will. It's just hard you know. I can't imagine how fucking scared he is right now."
[Sean] "I know lad. I know… Can you tell me how Brian is doing? Is Viggo responding?""
[Elijah] "Umm… I'm not sure…"
After several minutes of continuous soothing reassurance Brian could see Viggo struggling to come back to him; his eyes flickered and seemed to come focus before he blinked rapidly as if seeing Brian for the first time.
"YB?" Viggo asked confused.
"Yeah, it's me Vig, I'm here. I need you to talk to me okay. Tell me what's going on in there." Brian brushed Viggo's hair from his eyes.
"I… I'm scared YB. I'm um… I'm scared for me and I'm scared for Orli." The older man shook his head and rubbed his eyes. "I don't know how it came apart so fast."
"I know babe. I know. You're safe here though. I'm here and Sean's on the phone he wants to talk to you too. Okay babe?" Brian motioned for Elijah to bring the phone over.
Viggo offered his friend a wry grin. "I must really be fucked up if you called Sean." Gratefully, Viggo took the phone from Elijah's pale fingers. "Sean?"
[Sean] "Hey Vig, your scaring me love. What's happened? I've already heard the essentials from Brian, so you can go right to what's happened with you; with Orli…"
[Viggo] "I thought… but I was wrong, and then he… Fuck. Sean I was so angry with him. I hurt him, Sean." The last words were whispered, barely audible.
[Sean] "I know Vig. I know. Mostly he hurt himself, you have to believe that. You may have been the catalyst, but it was a long time coming. What I need to know Vig, is what made you go away from us? What made you shut down like that?"
[Viggo] "I'm, I don't know Sean. He, I… what he said really hurt, but when I saw him crumble and break apart… God Sean, it scared me so much. I just wanted to take him away from everyone and everything. But I can't Sean. I can't go back there, you know that. But…" Again his voice trailed off and Sean had to urge him to continue. "When she told us what happened to Orli, Fuck Sean, I went cold. I was so scared." The tears were streaming down his face now, and his voice trembled, almost childlike.
[Sean] "He's safe Vig, you both are. Is that what did it? Were you scared you were going to lose him, Vig"
[Viggo] "No…" Viggo whispered. "I mean that scared me too. I couldn't bear losing him like that; he deserves to know a better life. He deservers so much more Sean and he can't see that… It was when I…When the RCMP told me he was likely going to be charged. God Sean, it happened almost three years ago and yet I can still hear the same words reverberate in my head over all the beeps and pings of the machines I was hooked to. It was like an echo reaching across time. *we're considering charges against him. One count of Theft over $5,000 and one of Reckless endangerment…* it just kept ringing in my head over and over and I knew I was slipping away, I just couldn't get back you know? I was back there in the hospital wanting to yell at anyone who did would listen but I couldn't move. I wanted to tell them that they had it wrong… that it was James that did this to me, not some kid, but I couldn't talk. I guess it was too much Sean. It was just too much."
[Sean] "Your safe Vig, you're both safe, all right. I wish I could be there with you both, but I can't. I can't leave England right now. But that doesn't mean I won't be a pain in your arse from across the pond okay. We need to make sure you don't go back there again, all right.
[Viggo] "I won't Sean. It's passed and I'm not going back. No matter how awful this feels, I need to feel it, own it. I'm okay now Sean, thank you." His voice had lost its tremble and taken on a more sure tone that comforted the Brit somewhat.
[Sean] "I'm glad Vig. I know this is hard but you need to go home and rest. Brian will stay with you until he goes gets Orli in the morning.
[Viggo] "Brian is going to get Orli?"
[Sean] "We thought it would be best, Dom and Elijah will draw too much attention. Do you want to go? We thought you it best if you had some time to think about it, it could well be very emotional for both of you."
[Viggo] 'I'm not sure, I… I don't know if it would be a good idea right now. I need to sort out what I'm feeling and right now I'm overwhelmingly angry."
[Sean] "Anger's not a bad thing, Vig. I'd rather see you angry than hold on to everything and fade out on us again. From what I understand Orli said some pretty hurtful things."
[Viggo] "That's part of it Sean. I mean I was furious with him at the time. I realize he was lashing out and I was the best target, that I can deal with. It's just… Fuck Sean, I'm not sure it's rational."
[Sean] "Come now Vig, you've told me many a time that feelings aren't necessarily rational, they just are. Tell me what has you so upset."
[Viggo] "I… I'm angry that Orlando can't see what he's doing to himself that he won't fight for something better. I'm furious with whoever fucking hurt him so much that he can't see his own self-worth. I fucking hate that, what I let James do still haunts and affects me. Fuck Sean, I went back there so quickly - I thought I was past this, I've worked so hard to move on and yet I'm back here again. I'm angry that I can't help Orlando and I'm angry that I can't let go of wanting to." Viggo paused and added quietly, "And, more than anything, I'm angry that he gives up so easily on himself… on us."
[Sean] "Oh Vig, I'm so sorry. I wish I could be there, I wish I could make this better. I should have known that Orli was teetering on the edge. He's just been so busy; I haven't seen much of him and well, I let him down. I wish you had met him when I had, God Vig, he was so full of life, wanting to savour each experience… so open and free. In the end he paid a heavy price for that openness."
[Viggo] "It's not gone Sean, I've seen it. He hasn't lost it; he just needs to fight for it and I can't help him do that. It's too close to where I was and finding I was falling for him just scared the shit out of me."
[Sean] "You know I love both of you, and I'll not choose between you… What ever you need to do, what ever you decide is best for you, I will support you in, you know that.
[Viggo] "That I do know Sean. Thank you."
Viggo didn't know exactly when he made his decision; it could have been on the long chair ride down the mountain or perhaps in lying in the dark where a scant twenty-four hours before he had lain with Orlando - somewhere before the pale winter light of dawn broke he had decided to tell Orlando everything. If for no other reason than to help Orlando understand him better. He would go and hit a ball around the squash court in the morning and work out some of his residual anger and then he would go to Orlando and do what he had planned to, tell him about James and all that came after.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Orlando lay in the darkened guest bedroom of Brian's home waiting for the feeling of relief to wash over him. Remembering how Brian had offered them as they left the detachment, saying that Viggo had thought he might need them as he handed him a small bag with a change of clothes and various items he might want. Viggo. He remembered almost everything from the night before in painfully graphic detail. Riding down the mountain; heart barely contained in his chest, just needing to feel free, not caring about anything but being away from everyone. He remembered hitting the snow bank hard; the sound of the windscreen cracking, the confusion as he saw the white snow stained with drops of red and not understanding that it was his own blood. He remembered the doctor pulling his skin taught as he stitched the skin along his hairline together. He could still feel the shame burned into his cheeks as he stood for his 'mug-shot' and waited for his fingers to be inked and printed. But the thing he remembered most clearly was the feeling of abandonment when he found Brian and not Viggo waiting to pick him up upon his release.
When Brian had brought him to his own home instead of Viggo's he had stopped caring what was being said to him; he stared glassy eyed as Brian told him that Mike would be arriving late the next day and that Brian had hired a lawyer for him. Sean spent an hour speaking to him, his voice soothing and words wise and caring. Dom and Elijah arrived and smothered him with concern and did their best to care for him before Orlando excused himself and asked to lie down. It had been forty-eight minutes since he'd taken his pills, forty-eight minutes that he could still feel every ache and bruise both physical and emotional, forty-eight minutes in which to slide further into self-loathing.
Orlando heard a light tap and then the quiet snick of the lock before the knob turned and the door swung inwards. Somehow, he knew it was Viggo before he'd even had the chance to raise his head and he knew that Viggo was here to tell him that whatever they were moving toward was over and Orlando couldn't bring himself to be a willing participant in that conversation. Instead he lay unmoving, hoping that Viggo would just leave without speaking, knowing that words would wound him deeper than anything else that had happened.
Viggo stood in the doorway and watched as Orlando laid motionless on the bed. The soft rise and fall of his chest the only tell tale sign that he was not carved of stone. After several minutes Viggo moved to sit carefully on the edge of the bed, barely able to hold back the gasp as he saw Orli's beautiful face purpled and swollen with a line of neat stitches barely visible as the blended with the darkened skin. Thinking the younger man hand fallen into a well needed sleep, Viggo raised a tentative hand to Orli's cheek, needing the contact. "Don't!" Orli flinched at the touch and pulled away still not opening his eyes,
"Sorry, must still hurt." Viggo moved further back on the bed giving Orlando more room.
"Not as much as knowing why you're here." Orlando snapped his eyes open and locked with Viggo's as he sat up, leaning against the headboard.
Confused, Viggo asked, "Why I'm here? I'm here because I thought we should talk, because I really didn't want to leave things the way they were." Hoping that he could get through to Orli.
"But you are going to *leave things* aren't you Vig. That's why you're really here, isn't it, to ease your conscience after indirectly throwing me out of your house." Orlando's eyes swam with the hurt that he felt.
"I didn't *indirectly* do anything. Everyone, and by everyone, I mean Sean, Brian, Dom and Elijah thought it was the best thing for you to come here." Viggo tried to reason with him, keeping his tones calm and measured.
"And what did you think Vig? Did you think it was best?" Orlando's volume matched Viggo's yet the tone held a decided edge.
Viggo stared intently at the young man, wanting nothing more than to find a common ground on which they could move forward from. "Orlando, I didn't come here to argue with you. I came to talk to you, to share with you some things that might help you understand where I'm coming from by learning where I've been. I think I may have some idea how you feel."
Fixedly, Orlando stared back at Viggo while he struggled with his response to Viggo's words, knowing that there was an element of irrationality to his reactions but unable to stop the brewing torrent of resentment stemming from similar words spoken by a dissimilar man.
//Do I know how you feel? Let's get this straight Orlando, what you feel is no longer relevant, what I tell you to feel is all that matters.//
"How I feel, Viggo. Let me tell you a little of how I feel. I feel lied to and from the look on your face I can tell you have no idea why. Isn't that priceless." Orlando let out a strangled laugh. "I'll let you off the hook, Vig. I feel abandoned or rather about to be abandoned - cause that's why you're here isn't it. So all that 'disappointment doesn't mean abandonment' speech was just bit of fluff to make me believe in you, wasn't it, or were you just so far up on your high horse that you didn't realize that I believed everything you said, I believed in you?" Orlando's voice cracked with emotion as the words poured forth almost in sob.
"Orlando, wait. I need to tell…" Viggo's heart constricted as he rushed in trying to explain.
"No Vig, you've told me enough. Now I'm going to tell you a few things. You made me think that you believed in me and when I needed you, when I came to *you* after a complete shit of a shout out with Kate *you* rejected me, made me feel lower than shite on the bottom of your shoe. Even after that, when I found myself locked in the little fucking cement room at the police station, *you* are what I thought about. *You* are the one person I thought would be there, *you* are what kept me going, through that horrible night. *You* Viggo. And when they released me, when I finally got to leave, *you* were no where to be found." Orlando tears were streaming steadily as he continued.
"And now, now you've come to tell me you know how I feel. You have no idea how I feel. You think I want to live this way, to be this needy, pathetic person, who bends to the will those that demand things of me? Whether it's my fans, the studios, my publicist, Christ even my family and friends - everyone wants a piece of me and I just bend over, and hand it to them. I have to surf or bungee just to feel like I'm the one in control. Out there I'm the one who chooses which wave to ride or when to jump; and for those few short seconds I'm free. Free to feel whatever the fuck I want or nothing at all." Orlando wiped his nose on the back of his hand a furiously brushed the tears from his eyes.
"And I tell you, feeling nothing at all would be welcome most days. I can see your disgust at how I rely on my pills; I'm not completely daft or so self-absorbed that I haven't noticed. Until you've lived with pain, Vig, real pain, you have no idea what my life is like. I touched on it last night, but that was but a glimpse into what it's like. Those pills don't control my pain Vig, the pain controls me. It controls what I get done in a day, whether I get out of bed, it controls everything I do and how well I'm able to do it. I know there are things I can do to help, but the in the moment when your body is aches so much and your so exhausted by the constant tension from your muscles trying to keep the pain at a barely tolerable level, the thought of getting up and doing your stretches or calling someone to give you a massage is too much effort - some days those pills are the only thing between you and insanity." Orlando's tone was increasingly defensive as his tears dried and body became rigid with tension.
"You're making a lot of unfounded assumptions, Orli. I probably have a better idea about pain than you know." Viggo said quietly.
"Yeah well it seems there have been a whole lot of people making assumptions lately. I've got Kate making assumptions about did or didn't happen in New Zealand, and is quite willing to sell that info to the press if I don't go back to her; my friends assume that I'm losing my mind, which I may well be; and didn't you make some assumptions last night, Vig?" Orli voice had taken a biting edge and he was just warming up. He knew that his emotions were getting the better of him, but he was too tired to hold back. He just kept on with his verbal assault, aware that he was jumping from thought to though, sometimes without rhyme or reason. All the tension, hurt and fear that had been building in the week since he split with Kate came bubbling to the surface in one long, stream of consciousness rant with Viggo caught square in the crosshairs.
"You think because you've suffered emotional pain that you can compare that to what I've been through, what I go through. Don't presume to know Viggo. I'm not trying to negate your emotional scars or the pain you've been through, but other than the pain of betrayal the similarities end there. You've probably dealt with your pain a lot better than I have, learned from the experience and are far better equipped to move on, but you haven't Vig, have you. You're great with words, great at getting people to look within themselves for answers, but the truth is you haven't done that yourself have you. Bit hypocritical isn't it? You presume to know what I'm capable of and you put all the expectations out there, and fuck, I so wanted to be able to be that person, live up to those expectations, but I couldn't, I can't. Maybe I'm destined to be a fuck up, maybe that's my lot in life, I don't know. I do know that there are worse things to be and there are people that are more fucked up than I am, and I don't need you to stand in front of me, clad in your self-righteousness and tell me how to live my life when your living with all these walls, so afraid to let anyone close, that at this rate, your going to die a lonely old man.
Viggo flinched at the words aimed directly at him, aware that there was a measure of truth in what was said though there was much more that was just hurtful. He hadn't been prepared for the hurt and anger that was leveled at him and his own psyche was still too fragile to stay and try to reason with emotionally raw young man. Viggo tried to quell his anger, telling himself that Orlando was overwrought, though when he finally did speak there was a cool iciness that formed around the words. "I can't do this Orli. I thought I could but I can't. Viggo raised himself from the bed, his eyes never leaving Orlando, as he wondered if he would ever be this close to Orlando again.
"I regret so many things about this last week; things I could have done differently, things I should have shared, comfort I could have offered, but one thing I'll never regret, Orli, is every moment that I got to spend with you - no matter how good or bad the moments were, they are ours and I'll never forget them." Viggo opened the door, finally turning away from the young man who still captured his heart and as he walked away he heard Orli call out in frustration.
"So that's it Vig, you're going to run away, when things get tough, you just leave."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Orlando had awakened that morning with a feeling of dread that didn't improve as the day went on. Today he would have to face everything that had happened. Mike would be arriving early evening and try to work out a strategy for spinning this debacle in the media. The thought of facing Mike was daunting, even though, technically, Mike is his employee. Mike was very displeased, which meant he would cut to the chase and tell him directly what he would need to do to without softening any of the undesirable details. As much as Orlando didn't want to admit it, it was more than fair after everything that happened. Then there was Viggo. Dom and Elijah said they would go around and collect all his things from Viggo's but Orlando didn't want that. He wanted one last opportunity to walk through the place he had felt more at home in than anywhere since he left his mothers house at sixteen. Brian arranged to take him while Viggo was at his squash tournament that afternoon, which would leave Orlando time alone with his memories as he gathered his things.
If it didn't hurt so much it would almost be funny that he finally understood something that he always thought sound so trite; that there truly was a thin line between love and hate. Emotions swung with pendulum regularity between the two, leaving him with the distinct feeling of not knowing whether to laugh or cry. When he closed his eyes so many mages flashed by like a slide show out of control. *click* Viggo's eyes pleading with him to take the phone and talk to Sean… *click* Blue/green/grey eyes, broad shoulders, sandy, slightly disheveled hair, crooked grin…. *click* Viggo's bare feet as he stood before him offering comfort after seeing Kate on TV… *click* Viggo sprawled on the couch, bare feet twitching in time to the jazz CD that played while he read. *click* A shattered vase and fresh flowers in a tangled heap on the floor. *click* Viggo, cheeks flushed, hair streaming from his face as he flew down the mountain. *click* Viggo eyes, hooded and laden with passion as they separated from their kiss… *click* Viggo's look of delight fading to disgust as when he discovered him to be drunk… *click* A Viggo bathed in a puddle of moonlight as Viggo sketched… *click* Viggo's faded t-shirt clad back as he walked out the door for the last time.
"Orli?" Brian's muffled voice barely carried through the closed door, interrupting Orlando's thoughts. The door open slowly and Brian entered slowly. "Hey." He nodded to the figure that hadn't moved on the bed.
"Is it time?" Orlando stomach dropped in anticipation of where he was about to go and what he was about to do. "Not yet Orli. We have to make a stop on the way… I forgot that Vig still has the Rover and, from what I hear, all of your stuff won't fit into the 'vertible, even if I put the top down. We're going to have to stop at the squash club to trade vehicles. You gonna be okay with that? I mean you could always wait in the car while I grab the keys."
Orlando took a deep breath and raised himself up to look at Brian in the dimly lit room. "I know I've been acting like it YB, but I'm not a child. As long as you don't think it'll cause any problems for Vig, I'd like to go in. It's been a long time since I played squash and I'd love to have a quick look." Orlando knew that he wasn't fooling Brian with that story, but he didn't care. He really wanted to see Viggo again even if it was through a glass partition.
"Kay, Orli. Shouldn't be a problem at all. We'll just stay near the back and keep a low profile. You ready?" Orlando nodded and mumbled to himself, "As ready as I'll ever be."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
The club was fairly full, people had traveled from out of town to participate and the caliber of play was outstanding. The smell of sweat drying on skin should have been offensive but was barely noticeable in the well ventilated viewing area. The courts were glass backed for optimum viewing and a series of staggered bleachers had been set up directly facing each court for spectators. The crowd was noticeably hushed as a heated match ensued at court level. The loud squeak of non-skid soles on varnished hardwood was accompanied by the loud whomp of the ball as it was stroked solidly and rebounded off the front wall followed by the grunts of exertion from the two men. Both dressed in all white as the club rules dictated, the two men were should have been difficult to identify behind their sweatbands and protective goggles, but Orlando picked out Viggo almost immediately. He showed the same innate grace that he had on the snowfield within the confinement of the cement and glass court. Both men were drenched in sweat as the action on court reached game point. Orlando soon learned from the referee's announcement that the they were in there third game of five and Viggo was down two nothing and was on the verge of winning his first game.
Orlando held his breath as Viggo lobbed his serve to the rear of the court and his opponent picked off the back wall easily. Moving to the T Viggo positioned himself perfectly to return and easy crosscourt shot. Again he forced his opponent to retrieve the ball from the back corner off the wall and kept him off balance just enough until he was ready to go for a kill shot. His opponent dove to the front court trying desperately to make the shot and received a racquet full of air, as the ball died off the side wall. Viggo dropped his racquet and moved off the court, exhausted, his shirt soaked.
Brian left Orlando standing next to the bleachers; hat pulled low on his brow, a purpling bruise shadowed a good portion of his left side. No one bothered him, those that recognized him turned away without comment. Brian reached Viggo as the referee called the three minute warning before the opponents were required back on court. Vig nodded to his squash bag, as he continued to drink a half liter of water. Orlando watched with rapt attention, as sweat dripped down his brow and ran down his neck into the already soaked collar of his shirt. Tossing the empty bottle toward his bag he lifted his shirt to wipe his face and realized it had no capacity to dry anything anymore. Ripping it over his head he tossed it next to the water bottle and turned to ask Brian for a fresh shirt from his bag. Orlando froze, mouth open although no breath entered to left for many moments as he barely registered the slight murmur that went up from the crowd at the shirtless back before them.
Brian stood, Viggo's shirt in one hand and the keys to the rover in the other and caught Orlando's gaping astonishment. Baffled he gave Vig's shoulder a quick squeezed in a gesture of support and made his way back to where Orlando stood. Turning back to the court he realized in an instant what had caused the reaction. The shock on Orlando's face was etched almost as deeply as the angry network of scar tissue that slashed its way across the broad and sturdy back before them, curling around his ribcage in an ugly embrace. "He never told you, did he? He said he was going to, so I just thought you knew." Orlando still couldn't speak and just shook his head. "We can't talk about this here. You okay to stay until the end of the match or should we get out of here?" Again Orlando shook his head but was finally able to speak. "Stay, I want to stay." Brian took his hand and squeezed it in support.
When the match resumed, Viggo was on fire, almost as if he had been toying with his opponent in the first three matches. With precision and athletic prowess he took apart his opponent's game systematically, winning the next two games handily. Brian tugged Orli's hand as the two men on court were shaking hands. "I think we should go." Orlando could barely tear his eyes away from Viggo, but followed reluctantly, turning away just as the ice blue eyes of the man he had come to love leveled on him and watched him leave.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Climbing into the Rover, Orli turned to Brian as the hot tears began to fall. "I'm such a stupid twat. He came to tell me yesterday. I know that now. I didn't let him say what he came to say. I'm a complete fucking idiot." Brian hugged the young man close. "We all fuck up Orli, all of us. You're just on the express-lane to fuck ups right now. I think you need to know what happened, at least the part that he was going to tell you." He stroked Orli's hair, marveling at how wonderfully silky the curls were. "You ready to listen now?" Brian pulled back to look at Orli and when he got a sniffle and a nod, he started the Rover. "Good. Let's go get your stuff and we'll talk on the way."
Orlando buckled his seatbelt and turned off the radio, not willing to have anything distract from what Brian had to say. "Fuck, Orli. I know this story inside and out and I don't even know where to start. Let's see. I told you about James and his embezzling, right?" Seeing a nod in his peripheral vision he continued. "Okay. When Sean came and kicked James out we had hoped that would be the worst of it. It was not long after that that, they became aware that much of the money stolen was going to drug debts, designer highs of prescription painkillers, uppers and downers. When they discovered exactly how much money was taken, they had no choice but to go to the police and press charges." They pulled into Viggo's driveway and continued the story.
"Vig was shocked. He knew that James took pills for some medical issues but had never really paid much attention to what they were and for his part, James kept his usage down whenever he spent a lot of time with Viggo. After the charges were laid, James tried so many times to get to Viggo alone, convince him that there was some terrible mistake and then later just to apologize. The real issue was with James' family. He came from money and was pretty much the black sheep but they continued to support him with a meager 'allowance' which he supplemented by stealing from Viggo. Well the family was threatening to cut him off if he didn't fix the mess he made privately, without attention from the media. When Viggo wouldn't play ball James started getting nasty. Sean had the phone number changed three times, but he somehow kept getting it and would phone, completely high and in a rage issuing all kinds of threats. Finally Sean convinced Viggo to get a restraining order. For a while it seemed to help. The calls stopped and they never saw him at all. Sean was thinking it was time to go back to England and promised Vig that he'd be back for the trial, if James didn't plead out before that." Brian looked away for a moment, realizing that even after three years it wasn't an easy story to tell.
"I wasn't there for any of this, I was still in Hong Kong so I can only tell you what I've heard from both Sean and Viggo and what I heard in court." Orlando nodded, his eyes imploring him to continued. "The morning before he was due to leave is when it happened. When Sean first arrived he had made a point of making sure Vig left the house every day, even if it was just to go get a morning coffee. So each day the two of them would ski down to the village and walk to Citta's for a coffee and read the paper. That morning they were about to leave, Sean was standing, folding his paper, his back to the street, and Viggo was finishing his coffee when he saw a car veer from the street and come straight toward them. Viggo froze momentarily; he said it was like everything was in slow motion. He saw that Sean couldn't see the car, he couldn't call out in time so he did the only thing he could. He dove across the little café table between them and shoved Sean out of the way. The car barely grazed Sean, leaving him with cuts and abrasions, but Viggo… Fuck, Orli… The car caught him mid flight as he pushed Sean out of the way, threw him up on the hood as the car crashed through the plate glass front window of the cafe and pinned him between the car's hood and the coffee bar. Sean said there was so much blood, Orli, he almost bled out right there." Orli's eyes were swimming with tears as he watched the horror as it replayed across Brian's face as he remembered all the details of that day. The two men hugged and cried knowing how different things might be today if the accident never had happened. After several minutes Orli pulled back.
"Was it fucking James?" Orlando spat the name with disgust.
"No Orli, it wasn't, it would have been better if it had been. No it was a young kid in a stolen car." Brian paused and held Orlando's hand, wondering if what he was about to say would be understood. "Initially, the police charged him with 'theft over $5,000 and reckless endangerment'." He paused studying Orlando carefully. It took a moment for the words to register with the young actor. "Oh Fuck." He put his head in his hands and sobbed. Suddenly it all made sense. Elijah had told him the Viggo had completely spaced out after he found out his arrest and the subsequent. That he didn't speak or move for nearly and hour and that Brian and Sean had to talk back to reality. James was a pill popping, fucker who stole and ripped out Viggo's heart. The man that nearly killed Viggo was charged with the same thing the he himself had been charged with yesterday. Viggo trying to explain to him he understood pain better than he might think… Fuck what an arsehole he had been. He looked at Brian who was running a soothing hand up his back. "There's more isn't there?" He murmured as Brian nodded. "You sure you're up for hearing the rest right now?" Brian was concerned, knowing how much strain Orlando was already under. "I have to know Brian. Please. I need to know."
"They airlifted Viggo to Vancouver for emergency surgery, he broke his jaw, three ribs, and had an amazing amount of internal damage as well as all the lacerations that you saw scarring his back. Sean never left his side, knowing that Viggo had literally saved his life and in at the same time almost ended his own. I flew back from Hong Kong and the two of us sat in that hospital for almost two days before he opened his eyes. He couldn't speak because they had to wire it shut to let the jaw heal. Later he was able to write notes but those early days, there was very little he could do to communicate. When the RCMP came to let us know that the kid was being charged. Viggo struggled to get up from the bed, he did anything to get our attention, but we had no idea what he was trying to say. But he knew. He knew from the moment the car swerved off the street and toward them that James was behind it. Eventually the RCMP broke the kid, another pill popping junkie, and the whole story came out. James hired the little punk to make it look like an accident and in return he would give him $250,000 that he had stolen from Viggo." Orlando practically vibrated with anger. "That fucking bastard!"
"You've got that right. Well the little bastard eventually pleaded no contest after being pressured by his family to make it go away quietly. There was no trial, though Viggo was able to give a victim impact statement in the hopes that James would go away for a long time. He didn't; he got seven and half to fifteen years." Brian was drained. The memories of how Viggo was during his recovery were brutal. Somehow between Sean and himself they managed to stay sane. Orli stared out the window of the Rover for a long time, putting pieces together that hadn't made sense before; the sketch he found, the poem; Viggo's attitude toward his pills; Viggo's reluctance to get closer yet he hungered for intimacy, to be touched; his understanding of pain. It was all so overwhelming. "Sean took him to the UK didn't he? That's why he was there, to recover, yeah?" Orlando asked.
"Yeah we thought it best to be away from here for a while. In a small town everyone means well, but he couldn't got the grocery store without people talking to him about what happened. Sean was with him all the time, I was tied up in the project in Hong Kong so I was here as much as I could be but it was when I was away that he started to go into periods of disassociation, similar to what happened last night. We decided then he should get away from here and Sean took him back England and the improvement was remarkable."
"I never knew YB. I… never knew. Sean never said. I can't believe he almost fucking died and I never knew… I was trying so hard not to fuck up my own life again that I didn't think to look and see if my friend, my best, fucking friend, might need me." Orli was sobbing again.
"Shhh, Orli you didn't know. I know that. Sean didn't tell you. He thought he was doing the best thing for you. He didn't know you'd meet Viggo someday and well… you know… here we are." Brian hugged the younger man as his sobs slowly subsided.
"I'm going to fix this YB. I don't know how, but I'm going to fix this." Orli sniffled.
"I know Orli, I know." Brian wasn't sure if there was anything left to fix.
TBC
Author's Note: This chapter got away from me as well and I had to split it out into two. It's looking like the next chapter will be shorter than the usual length - but then on the upside it won't take me as long to write…
RCMP - Royal Canadian Mounted Police
Detachment - RCMP stations are referred to as detachments
Squash Picture Links: For those of you who don't know how sexy hot sweaty squash players are, or what a squash court looks like, here are some pictures. http://www.squashpics.com/2005_events.htm
Depersonalization is the third most common psychologicical experience, after feelings of anxiety and feelings of depression, and often occurs after a person experiences life threatening danger, such as an accident, assault, or serious illness or injury. Depersonalization disorder often disappears without any form of treatment and therefore professional treatment is usually recommended only if the disorder persists, recurs, or causes distress. Depersonalization disorder is marked by a feeling of detachment or distance from one's own experience, body, or self. These feelings of depersonalization are recurrent. Of the dissociative disorders, depersonalization is the one most easily identified with by the general public; one can easily relate to feeling as they in a dream, or being "spaced out." Feeling out of control of one's actions and movements is something that people describe when intoxicated.
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Date: 2005-08-30 08:32 am (UTC)But now Orlando understands, and he'll talk with Viggo, yes? And you'll make everything okay, right?
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Date: 2005-08-30 06:10 pm (UTC)I'll update soon. cheers,
rb