Mea Culpa 1/?

[imogen-lily.livejournal.com]

Mea Culpa

Author: Imogen

Disclaimer: Unfortunately I don't know any of these actors. I don’t claim to know anything about their sexual preferences. No profit is being made from this, so please don’t sue me. Mark, Dr McCoy and any other original characters, I own.
Pairing: Orlando/OC, Viggo/Orlando (implied Kate/Orlando)

Rating: NC-17

Summary: abuse wreaks everyone's lives, who picks up the pieces?

Warnings: domestic abuse, attempted suicide, rape, violence

Notes: This fic deals with domestic violence/abuse and it's ramifications. If anyone finds this upsetting please don't read. There will be violent scenes in it, I'm not going to sugar coat them, but I'm not trying to go for gore (that’s not my thing).
Feedback: please it's vitally important over this, it's my first 'real' fic and I want to know if I'm doing a good job with it. If it's too horrible or crap I'll stop, but please tell me how I'm doing. You can e-mail me at: bageria8@hotmail.com. I’ll always respond to questions etc.
FYI: ‘Mea Culpa’ is Latin. Roughly translated it means ‘my fault’

Chapter 1

not to anyone, not to his friend. Thoughts swirled around Elijah’s head as he sat morosely, never moving a muscle. Over the past few hours Elijah felt he’d gone through every emotion known to mankind and now all that was left was pure exhaustion, and a soul-eating sorrow. Oh, and the anger, didn’t want to forget that. Yes, anger had become a permanent emotion in Elijah Wood. That was another signal things weren’t right. After all, Elijah didn’t get angry, did he?

He got upset, excitable, crazy, devastated, and became extremely annoyed, but he had never experienced asbolutely pure, unadulterated anger. It had been eating him up and part of him was grateful for that constant anger: it at least meant he could still feel ... something. He was surprised he wasn’t numb by now. God knows he’d like to be, but he couldn’t, nor really would he want to. It would mean giving up, and he couldn’t. Elijah Wood did not give up, not on anything or anyone. Especially on his friends.

***

Dominic’s eyes narrowed as he sat with the consultant. Strictly speaking, he shouldn’t be here as he wasn’t family, but then again, he was the next best thing. Sure he wasn’t related by genes or blood, but he was as close as any family, perhaps closer in some ways. Family you couldn’t choose. ‘Friends were the family you chose’, he remembered he’d heard the saying before but couldn’t think where. He couldn’t think about much at the moment. His mind kept repeating part of the conversation with the staff.

“He doesn’t have any family in America, they’re all in England. I’m his best friend ... Yeah we’re both from England ... I can act as family spokesperson....”

He was bitterly regretting that now. Oh he’d do it again and again, even knowing what was coming next. But that didn’t make the sickness any less. He’d practically had to bribe the staff to tell him what was happening. For God sake, his best friend could die, probably was dying, Dominic had had to see his best friend lying on a floor not breathing and they wouldn’t tell him what was happening. Eventually he wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer, and one of the doctor’s had taken pity on him, or at least got sick of his demands.

Dominic didn’t care which it was, all he wanted were answers. Was that really too much to ask? To hell with hospitals and their sodding protocols. Having to listen to the extent of injuries, (many of which he already knew about) and the possible ramifications of the other more serious injuries, he felt rather sick. Dom had never been punched, well, not properly, but he was getting a good idea of what a solid hit in his gut would feel like.

His mind briefly flitted to Lij ... how was he coping? He prayed it was better. How could it be better? Dominic only had to hear what had happened. Elijah had to sit and watch their friend fighting for his life, unable to help. Elijah hated feeling helpless. That surely had to be worse, right? He’d been waiting for the ambulance (which Dominic was sure he been the longest period in his life. Couldn’t they have made it come any quicker?) his mind completely numb, when Elijah had decided come around. Of all the times that Elijah had been early it had to be this one. It had to be when Dom was clasping their dying friend’s hand. Dom hadn’t hear the wine bottle shatter; all he remembered was seeing Elijah’s face as the colour drained away, he’d never seen that before, thought it only happened in stories, or lame movies, but then he’d never been in this situation before, it had almost been surreal.

Dom had had to become harsh to Elijah, to keep him from becoming hysterical, explaining the ambulance was on its way ... but Elijah’s face. He silently thanked God that Elijah didn’t have to hear this, he liked to pretend Elijah was still innocent, that he was still the ‘baby’ of the group. It was bull of course, the last four years of their lives had pretty much stripped away the majority of the naivety that much loved innocence, but despite that, Dom always thought Elijah still maintained some small part of his innocence, that small stubborn part that believed in people that could hope for the best, that was something he though that Elijah would always have, or was until what he saw today. It was almost as if Dom could see the last vestiges of Lij’s innocence slip away from him, as the colour faded, recognition burning in the startling blue eyes, and Dom mourned the loss. He never wanted his friend to see that; he never wanted to see that…

“I hesitate to bring this up, but I think it’s best you know-“ the doctor began cautiously.

Hesitate? Now you bloody hesitate?! Dominic almost yelled. She’d hardly spared him any of the other details so why the hell would she care about this ‘sensitive piece of information?!’ Even in his anger he knew it wasn’t her fault. She was being professional, calm and in control. Out of all the doctor’s she’d been the nicest, seemed to care the most, what was her name? He found he couldn’t remember his mind had seemed to collapse upon itself. He wondered if she had dealt with many cases like this. Surely she must have - she was a doctor but Dominic wasn’t. He’d never had to deal with this, not on any personal level. He’d read about it, heard about it. But it never happened to people he knew. Especially not like this. Forcing himself back to the present, he listened to Ms Doctor.

“I have put Mr Bloom on suicide watch, just as a precaution.” WHAT?! Oh please no. That’s what they do to criminals isn’t it… he didn’t deserve this…his friend wasn’t a criminal, he…how could they do that? He could barely move. Surely they didn’t think…he wouldn’t…not again. This was too much. He couldn’t lose him, not now, definitely not like this. Oh no. He’d sworn to look after him, and he would, by any means necessary.

***

He was normally a morning person. Really he was, but even Mr. ‘Bright N Early’ didn’t appreciate a phone call at the crack of dawn. He was trying to finish his latest canvass, and he really didn’t want any interruptions. There were some times when Viggo just needed to be alone, be at one with his art. This was one of those times. He was finding it difficult to concentrate with the obnoxious ringing. He really had to remind himself to unplug the phone one of these days. Fortunately the answer machine picked it up.

“Hi this is Viggo Mortensen, As you can guess I’m either out or creating some masterpiece and too absorbed to pick up. Please leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible”

*beep…*

“Viggo! Viggo Mortensen! Pick up the bloody phone!”

It was Dominic. Viggo frowned. Why on earth would Dominic Monaghan be ringing at this time of the morning? In fact, why was he ringing, period? Everyone knew how much Dominic hated mornings, in fact Viggo had long ago secretly doubted the former hobbit knew what ‘A.M.’ meant (unbelievable, he still thought of Dominic as a hobbit. Old habits obviously died hard). He would have grinned at that, recalling long forgotten memories, but Dominic’s tone made him uneasy. He sounded anything but hobbit-like, furious…and scared would be a more apt description.

“Viggo pick up the fucking phone! Sod your stupid fucking painting or whatever. I have to talk to you NOW! It’s a fucking emergency, I don’t have time for all your artsy crap, answer me Goddamnit!!”

Dom’s voice was quickly growing more intense in volume and anger. Not surprising really, after all he and Dominic hadn’t parted on the friendliest of terms, to put it mildly, not that he could blame Dominic for that, after all, he was the one who’s irrevocably screwed up... Sighing, Viggo put down his sponge and walked over to the phone, knowing Dominic, even after the enforced silence of the past few years, he knew that Dominic wouldn’t let up until he’d spoken to him. Some things never changed. There was a strange comfort in that.

“Listen Mortensen, I’ll fucking wrench your head from your body if you don’t pi-“

“What’s wrong Dominic, you do realise this is the crack of dawn?” he thought it best to try and keep at least some attempt at civility.

“Yes I fucking do,” Dominic snapped, anger crackling in every inch of his voice. “I need you to get down to St. Mary’s Memorial hospital. Now.”

“S-st Mary’s? Dominic, what’s happened?” Viggo whispered, slowly sitting down, his voice sounding strangely choked. His mind scrambled to decide on what possible reason Dominic would choose to ring him after all this time, and to go to a hospital of all places. Last time they’d met Dominic had almost punched him, so it would have to be something earth shattering for the hobbit to call, and that could only mean one thing...there was only one person who Dominic would ring Viggo about and the Dane prayed to every god and divinity he heard of that he was wrong, even as a decided sick feeling settled on his stomach.

“Just…just get down here…” Dom growled. He couldn’t explain why he was so mad. God damn it, why was Viggo still talking? Stupid fucking poet, always pondering things, weighing them up. He should already be driving to St Mary’s not asking stupid questions. He resented having to ring Viggo period, Elijah had flat out refused to ring Viggo, unwilling to leave his friend’s bedside to talk to a former friend, which had left Dominic to do the deed.

Normally he would have taken Elijah’s attitude but under these circumstances...it was too much to try and argue with the man. Dominic was desperate, and while Viggo was one of the last people on earth he wanted to see right now, but he was also the one person that could possibly help in this situation, and as much as Dom hated it, Orlando came first. He just prayed they would forgive him for this.

“Damn it Dominic, what the hell is going on?! Who’s hurt?!”

“…Orlando. H-he tried to kill himself.”

****

Viggo Mortensen was not a violent man. He’d never hit anyone, never threatened or deliberately harmed anyone, but that was about to change today. Viggo could feel an anger unlike any he’d ever known coursing through his veins, and he welcomed it. All because of one man – Orlando - his beautiful Orli, who was lying on a hospital bed on fucking suicide watch. Because of Orlando, Viggo felt the alien urge to kill someone. And this wasn’t irrational anger; no, it was cold hard fury directed at one target: whoever had driven Orlando to this desperate act.

He wasn’t a fool, Orlando wouldn’t do this for no reason, he’d been driven to this. Someone had done something to Orlando and by God they were going to suffer dearly for it. He wanted to be disgusted with himself, be disgusted as images of violence danced through his head at wreaking a bloody vengeance for Orlando but he couldn’t stop, yet the thoughts neither soothed or pacified him, only added to the fire. He felt like a wreck; God knows how Elijah and Dominic had coped with everything. To say Dom looked like the living dead was a terrible cliché but unfortunately, an apt description. White chalk face, large dark circles under blood shot eyes, at least a day’s worth of stubble. Under other circumstances and a million years ago he would have laughed at his …former… friend’s (God that hurt of think of Dominic like that) appearance and guessed a hangover, but his eyes chilled him. Dom looked lost and frightened. All of the anger from earlier seemed to have seeped out of him, leaving an empty shell.

That had frightened Viggo as Dominic quietly handed him the ‘coffee’ from the vending machine, he could never understand why all hospital coffee tasted so universally disgusting. None of them were hungry but it gave them something to do, something to look at besides each other. Dom had paced the waiting room a few times and then tried to fill Viggo in on the details that the doctor had told him, without breaking down, which was proving a Herculean task in itself.

Elijah…Elijah just looked drained, deflated, as if all the life had been sucked out of him; he looked as if he’d…shrunk. It was obvious Elijah had been crying, large tears streamed down his face and his hair was mussed, half plastered to his head. When he hadn’t dashed outside for a cigarette, he’d been relentlessly biting his nails, repeatedly pacing or jigging his knee, anything to try and take his mind off Orlando. It looked unnatural on two men as lively and fun-loving as Dom and Lij. How long had it been since he’d called them that? That they’d all been together? They shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t be worried sick about Orlando.

Hell, Orlando shouldn’t be here. None of them belonged here, but it didn’t change the facts. Viggo couldn’t bear to think of the horror his friends had been going through for the past 24 hours, yes he still thought of them as friends, although he doubted the feelings were returned, and it was entirely his fault. They had once been a Fellowship, a true one bonded in love yet he’d broken it, he deserved to be hated. He’d heard it had been Dom who had found Orlando sprawled on the bathroom floor, numerous bottles surrounding him, only to have Elijah barrel in ten minutes later. To make matters worse, Orlando had cut along one of his wrists; presumably he lost consciousness before he could do the other one. It was clear that it was no accident. Orlando had intended to kill himself, either by an overdose, or if that failed, by slitting his wrists. Viggo shuddered. Because of this, Orlando (once he’d had his stomach pumped and his cuts sewn up) was put on suicide watch, as if he was a criminal. The doctors called it ‘standard procedure’, Viggo thought it was disgusting, the last thing a suicide victim wanted or needed.

‘Suicide victim’, what a horrible phrase, so clinical, not a word he’d have ever applied to Orlando. It appeared Orlando had apparently regained consciousness about two hours ago but was in so much pain he’d very quickly been sedated again, he’d yet to regain consciousness again, that was several hours ago. That worried Viggo, the longer he was unconscious the greater the risk, Orlando was lucky – according to the doctors, anyway. He could’ve been brain damaged or...dead. Viggo didn’t find those lines of though reassuring. He never should’ve been here in the first place. What had Orlando thought when he…he…the words were too horrible to even think let alone say. Was he ashamed? Angry? Betrayed? Viggo didn’t know. Just like he didn’t know why Orlando had tried so thoroughly to kill himself. And part of him, selfishly, didn’t want to know.

In the years he’d known Orlando (it must been about ten years now…where did all that time go?) he was sure he’d known Orlando Bloom well, understood him. He was a young man full of sunshine and laughter, a man who loved people and fully embraced life, this man lying here wasn’t Orlando, not the man who’d always refused to be beaten no matter what life had thrown at him. He could still remember how he’d been almost awestruck by Orlando when he first met him. The guy had been like a hyperactive chipmunk, barely able to keep still, a grin so big Viggo felt sure it couldn’t be natural. With those oh-so angelic looks he’d been the perfect partner in crime for deceptively innocent looking Hobbits. Viggo had been less than certain that this…exuberant young Brit could pull off the role of Legolas, but when he saw the giggling sunbeam change to the elegant, calm, regal elf with barely a blink he felt suitably chagrined.

It frankly had stunned Viggo, who’d spent hours getting inside Aragorn’s head, his mannerisms, and here was this young, mowhaked colt who could slip between a bungee jumping daredevil and an aloof, calm elf in the blink of an eye. Unbelievable, especially when he considered how long it had taken him to find Aragorn’s character…if he hadn’t adored Orlando from the moment they met, he might’ve been very jealous. But then no one was jealous of Orlando, everyone loved him – co-stars, make up, stunts, extras and rightly so, Orlando, more than anyone, was worthy of being so loved.

It soon became obvious that Orlando would be one of the biggest stars from the Rings films. Sure enough, Ned Kelly and Pirates of the Caribbean came immediately after. Troy, Haven, Kingdom of Heaven, Elizabethtown, Pirates 2 & 3 ... to name just a few; despite avidly following Orlando’s sky-rocketing carrier, he’d eventually lost track of the number of films Orlando had worked on in the following years. He’d changed from an excitable young man to a confident actor, yet somehow still incredibly grounded.

By the age of 29, he’d won an Oscar for Best Actor, and had been nominated for his second Oscar, which he also won. At 30, no one could say he was just another ‘Hollywood pretty boy’. And now at 32, he was recovering from an attempted suicide. Just what had gone wrong?

He tried to think of the last time he’d seen Orlando…it would’ve been the reunion. Had there been any signs then? Would he have noticed if there were? Of course there were no answers to his questions. It felt as if his very heart had been ripped out; he wanted to scream and cry whether at himself or Orlando he couldn’t be sure. But more than anything he wanted to ask why. Why had Orlando tried to kill himself; why did he feel his life had become so unbearable; why didn’t he go to Dom or Elijah? Or himself, for that matter? Why did he want to hurt his friends so much? Why?!? Of course he would never ask Orlando those questions. He couldn’t imagine the pain Orlando had been going through. The cameras had never noticed it, nor the interviewers or numerous co-stars. Could it have been that easy to miss, or had Orlando been holding up a flashing neon sign for help the entire time, and no one had noticed?

***

Viggo knocked gently before he entered the room. He almost hesitated at the door, trying desperately to find some excuse for not going in. When did he become such a coward, so spineless? Orlando was in there, hurt and lost and he couldn’t work up the nerve to go in. What the hell was wrong with him? Oh, he knew what was wrong, but he didn’t want to admit it, to face the reality he’d been avoiding for the past five years. Gazing at Orlando he felt a lump in his thorat. Was he was partly responsible for Orlando’s condition? Of course he hadn’t directly caused it, but he’d helped chip away at Orlando. He’d started everything...

*** begin flashback ***

Orlando grinned at Viggo as he splashed the American with water. “You’re nuts you know?” Viggo grinned.

“And you love me for it,” smirked Orlando, sticking out his tongue. Still garbed in Legolas’s costume, ears and wig, Orlando looked absolutely adorable and utterly bizarre. The Elf was always so poised, so graceful at times Viggo almost forgot it was Orlando underneath and to see ‘Legolas’ acting - well, cheekily was, frankly, quite funny.

“Yeah I do,” Viggo whispered, as he found himself gazing at the elf, his elf. When did Orlando become his? He was old enough to be Orlando’s dad for God sake! But unfortunately that not what his body and heart were saying.

The boy was undeniably gorgeous, even if he didn’t seem to notice it. He wanted that beauty for himself, to call his own, to possess and claim Orlando as his. He couldn’t count the number of times he’d gone to sleep with Orlando’s name on his lips or dancing through his head. Of course Orlando loved him, but Orlando loved everyone. His easy affectionate manner had immediately attracted Viggo to him, beside his physical attributes... Orlando’s love and joy was a breath of fresh air in comparison the habitually jaded, cynical youths. To see Orlando and the Hobbits so full of joy and laughter, it was truly an amazing thing.

Oh how he’d like to say Orlando was his, to really know him. Know all the stupid, insignificant things couples knew about each other; to know exactly how to please Orlando, or how he looked in his sleep. But Orlando didn’t belong to him, and never would. Not in the way Viggo wanted him to. Orlando looked up to him, admired and respected him. Having lost his father at a young age, much too young in his opinion, Viggo had become almost a surrogate father. He felt wicked having such lustful thoughts about his young companion, who trusted him, believed he was the calm controlled Viggo, and Viggo didn’t want to shatter Orlando’s perception, betray his trust. But it didn’t change his feelings. Viggo’s mind drifted briefly to the book “Lolita” – yes, Orlando was like a male Lolita, innocent and unconsciously seductive, dangerous and absolutely irresistible. Ignoring the voice of reason and responsibility in his head, Viggo leaned forward and kissed Orlando.

The moment his lips touched Orlando’s he internally cursed himself. To his surprise, Orlando didn’t struggle or back away, telling him he was a filthy pervert or to get a life. Orlando did the one thing Viggo never would have expected ... he wrapped his arms around Viggo, pulling him closer as the kiss deepened. Oh, people would have a field day if they saw this: Aragorn, King of Men making out with Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood. Yet somehow, Viggo couldn’t find it in himself to even care. He’d wanted to do this for so long, and the fact that Orlando was willing ... his brain shut down.

No more thoughts. He let himself melt into the sensations, the taste of Orlando’s mouth, the texture of his tongue ... it was almost too much, almost. When they eventually broke apart for air, Viggo opened his mouth to apologise, but Orlando smiled, running his figures through Viggo’s hair. They were still close, still touching.

"You have no idea how long I’ve waited for that,” Orlando whispered, gazing into Viggo’s eyes, tracing his check gently, before moving in to kiss him again.

*** end flashback ***

He and Orlando had become lovers. It hadn’t been hard; in fact it had been terrifyingly easy to fall in love with Orlando, with Legolas, with Middle Earth. Viggo had had only one or two flings with men in the past but nothing overly serious, Orlando had less experience; zero to be exact. He was amazed at how well they’d fit together, as if they just were moulded specifically for one and other. He’d wanted to keep their relationship private, but unfortunately Elijah had discovered them, and naturally Dom being Dom, he had to immediately tell Dom, who had then informed Billy and Sean A that their beloved Elf was in love with the Ranger, much to their delight.

Liv overheard big-mouthed Elijah, and being equally gossipy and nosey, had quickly passed the information on to Miranda, Ian and Beanie amid much joyous squealing and giggling between the two women. Ever the 'devoted friend', Beanie promptly informed John, Karl and Hugo with great glee (too much in Viggo’s opinion). Ian unfortunately had done one better and took this as red to tell everyone on the set. Bloody nosey wizard! He might as well of announced it on the local news station! He could just imagine it right now:

*** Newsflash! ***
This just in from our ever reliable Middle E! Gossip Columnist, Ian M.: , Viggo "Ranger of many names" Mortensen is dating the exquisitely fey and perfect Orlando “Pouting Prince Elf” Bloom. May their love unite Middle Earth in harmony and glory in the coming Fourth Age. Our heartfelt condolences go out to Arwen and Gimli ... better luck next time sweeties!”

Within three days of their relationship, all of the Fellowship and at least half a dozen major cast members knew. Miranda and Karl had offered an embarrassed Orlando a pair of bright pink pants in celebration and Ian had informed Orlando, should he need any advice or tips whatsoever, *hint-hint* that he shouldn’t hesitate in seeking him out, and would be waiting to offer ... comfort, should anything go wrong with Viggo.

Hugo, never one to miss out on a humiliating opportunity, had then recited a (deliberately) long, boring speech for Aragorn and Legolas, intoning ritual and tradition, blah-blah-blah, in his best ‘Agent Smith/Lord Elrond Stern Doom Voice’ followed by an exceedingly dirty limerick. For some reason, Viggo never fully understood why, all the women, most specifically Liv, Miranda, Cate, Fran and Ngila, seemed to flock to Orlando afterwards, (even more so than before that was), being almost motherly in their affection, it had been quite a sight to see five grown women clucking about Orlando looking after himself and to make sure Viggo did when Orli didn’t (he’d noticed that Orlando had done nothing to discourage this). Viggo had quickly learned not to argue with them. They could be quite an intimidating bunch when you crossed them.

All the Rings cast had given their universal blessing and approval. But of course Viggo couldn’t leave well enough alone, oh no, he’d had to go and irreparably fuck things up. Ever the ‘tortured artist’, he’d kept questioning their relationship, trying to find holes and chinks. Eventually convinced the outside world would never accept them, he broke up with Orlando, breaking his heart in the process and that was something he would never forgive himself for.

*** begin flashback ***

Orlando gently kissed Viggo on the nose, grinning. He was perfectly content, but then why wouldn’t he be? Orlando loved and was loved unreservedly. He didn’t hold back or question things, which Viggo envied to an extent. “Orlando, we have to talk.” Oh, those dreaded four words; the four words that always signalled the Beginning of the End. Orlando’s face was marred with confusion, and maybe a little worry.

“What’s wrong Vig? Something’s upsetting you. Please tell me,” he whispered, pressing another kiss behind Viggo’s ear. Managing to somehow stifle a gasp, he pulled Orlando back gently, not wanting to frighten him. He wasn’t sure he could do this…

“No Orlando, stop it. I’m serious. It’s about the future, our future.” That got Orlando’s attention. “Look Vig, I know we talked about this, but really ... I don’t see what all the fuss is about. All the publicity for the Rings is over, so why would anyone care?”

“Oh Orlando, be serious for five minutes! Of course people care! They’d wonder why we’re still hanging around each other, the movies are over-”

“So what? Because the movies are over we can’t be seen in public together, because of what strangers and the press think?!” Orlando demanded, immediately pulling away from Viggo. Oh God, he’d upset Orlando. That really wasn’t his intension. He’d wanted to make this quick and painless. Of course that was foolish thinking - there was no way this would be easy, or gentle. Break-ups never were, he’d learnt that from bitter experience.

“No ... it’s just ... God ... Orlando just think about it for a second. You’re a hot young actor. Offers are already pouring in for you and you deserve that. Do you really want all that to go down the drain because people aren’t as tolerant as you think? Even Hollywood discriminates against gays or bi’s, no matter how liberal they pretend to be. Why can’t you see that?”

“Ian’s been OK,” Orlando whispered.

“Ian was an old man with a well established reputation when he came out. You’re young, about to break into Hollywood. This is the last thing you need."

"Our relationship ... you think we’re that much of a mistake. Thanks for being so honest." Orlando whispered, his voice cracking slightly. Viggo sighed, frustrated as he ran his hand through his hair. How could Orlando be so blind over this? "Look, face facts. I really don’t think you understand the full implications of ‘coming out’. You’re coming out to the nation, not just your family and friends, and even they might not be OK with it. *Everyone* will know, and the people you love could be targeted by homophobes ... or ... or anti gay people. Society is vicious Orlando, don’t you see that – why won’t you see it? Gay or bisexual people can pretend being ‘out’ is great. It’s not. Why do you think I never came out? It’s not just you who will be hounded; it’s everyone you care about - your mum or Samantha or Henry or…God… even the Hobbits. They could all be targeted simply because they’re friends with a gay person, we can’t do that to them.”

“It’s not against the law to be gay Viggo! I haven’t committed a crime, despite what you seem to think. I’m sorry if I don’t understand the ‘gay code of conduct’ but this is kind of new to me. I’d never even fancied a guy until I met you. It’s not like I have any choice in the matter either ... I didn’t exactly plan on who I’d fall in love with. Perhaps I would’ve chosen a woman if I could, it would’ve been bloody easier! Do you really think I’m so selfish that I’d put people’s lives in danger?! I love Henry like he was my own, but he doesn’t care; Exene, your ex-wife doesn’t care. She gave you her blessing for God sake! Sam can take care of herself, as can the hobbits. It’s my job to entertain people Viggo and I love doing it, but it doesn’t give them, or you, for that matter, the right to dictate how I live my life.” Orlando ranted, tears beginning to form in his eyes.

"I love you, and I want you to be a part of my life Viggo. Why can’t you just accept that? Isn’t my love enough? Am I not enough?” Viggo wanted nothing more than to take Orlando in his arms, but he couldn’t - he couldn’t back down, not now.

“I’m sorry Orlando, I just can’t. I won’t expose Henry or you to such hate. You’ve got too much innocence to lose; I don’t ever want to see that go, even if it means we can’t be together-”

“What?! Hang on a second…Y-you’re breaking up with me?” Orlando gasped. He couldn’t belive this, where was all this coming from? Yes Viggo had been more distant lately, getting annoyed easily but he couldn’t be serious about this, could he? Tears began to streak down Orlando’s face and Viggo had to turn away.

“My carrier? You think I give a damn about that if I have to loose you? I want to act, God it’s what I’ve always wanted to do but not at this cost. Do you think I’m that shallow, that fame hungry?”

“I never said that…” He couldn’t meet Orlando’s eyes, couldn’t see the hurt that he had inflicted on the younger man. “I know how much these films mean to you, acting’s in your blood Orlando, I can see that, you can’t give that up because of me, I won’t let you.”

“You don’t have to do this Viggo, there’s ways we could work around it…long distance or…I could do theatre instead…we could work something out Viggo. I don’t want to do this, I can’t do it! I love you”

“I’m sorry ... you need to move on Orlando. We don’t live in Middle Earth, no matter how much we wish, this isn’t real life Orli, we’ve got to let it go, move on. Find someone who’s your own age, someone who can really be with you. Please don’t fight me Orlando…I don’t want to do this, but Hollywood is cruel-“

“Hollywood is cruel? What about you? You’re breaking up with me because of what people think ... people you don’t even know, you never used to care what people think, when did you change? Was it something I did?”

Viggo couldn’t answer that, the accusations hurt even more because they were true. Things had changed between them, Viggo had changed, that couldn’t be denied. Why had he? He really couldn’t say, but as each passing day grew he worried. He saw the gossip magazines, the rumours, people already thought something was going on between them. Unable to say anything in his defence, Orlando shook his head, tears running down his face and continued his tirade

“You’ve ripped out my heart and then you want me to just move on - wham, bam, thanks. Is that it? Was I just a set fling? I gave you everything Viggo, and you throw it back in my face. Hollywood might be cruel, but you’re a selfish bastard, Mortensen, I’ll never forgive you for this.” Orlando whispered.

Grabbing his coat, Orlando ran out of his flat, out of his life. He felt his shoulders sag and tears began to form in his eyes. He’d quickly brushed them away, he wasn’t allowed to cry, it was for the best, he’d done what he had to. But seeing Orlando’s horror stricken face, he’d never felt like such a complete bastard in his life.

*** end flashback ***

Viggo tried to tell himself it was right. Orlando’s career had immediately taken off. He’d won two Oscars within four years, helped produce and even direct a few of his later films most of which met with much critical and box office acclaim, Orlando had most definitely 'made it'. Shortly after Orlando began filming Pirates of the Caribbean, he started dating an American actress, Kate something-or-other. She was a ‘budding scarlet’, pretty and blond. They looked good together, the ideal ‘Hollywood couple’ and were soon promoted as the “It Couple” the next 'Brad ‘n’ Jen’ papers were excitedly claiming. Rumours of engagements and possible pregnancies had flew around for months, it seemed everyday there was something new about them. Viggo felt sick.

He hated Kate, hated she had what he didn’t, that she could hold his hand at a premiere without fear, that they could kiss openly, because they were 'normal' – because their love was allowed. Because he’d given Orlando to her. Orlando seemed happy with her, and all Viggo’s wishes for Orlando had come true, yet had it been anything but a hollow victory?

For the first few months, the Fellowship had been completely stunned by their break-up. They’d been convinced that Viggo and Orlando were soul mates, the one couple who’d make it. They closed ranks and tried to support both, at least until they heard the truth of the break-up. After hearing the details, the Hobbits had immediately gone on the offensive and proclaimed Viggo as the Spawn of Satan, which frankly, he felt like. They’d immediately formed a protective circle around Orlando, casting hateful looks at Viggo and shielding Orli for anyone else who would seek to harm their elf, Viggo was glad Orlando had such dedicated friends.

Ian, Liv and Bean had tried to be more objective, even after Viggo had unhappily confessed that he’d ended the relationship. Sean hadn’t been judgemental, but he’d definitely not been happy, he cared for Orlando and hated seeing the young man hurt especially by Viggo, but Sean could also see the logic in Viggo's arguement, and more than anyone, Sean was well versed in break-ups. Liv was extremely upset and torn with the events, and had eventually more or less sided with Orlando, only without the hostility of the hobbits, she loved Viggo, but ultimately, she’d unable to desert her beloved fellow elf. Ian had out rightly condemned Viggo as a great fool, but had not been angry, just greatly saddened; even Henry wasn’t impressed with Viggo’s break-up. The excuse of protecting Henry had held no weight with his son, and he’d sharply told his dad that he’d ‘totally insulted him’, acting like both he and Orlando were too stupid, young and foolish to cope with bigoted minds. Viggo didn’t have a reply to that.

It was at a Rings anniversary party a few years later, organized by Elijah and Liv, that he’d run into Orlando again, despite his every effort not to. He was pleased to note that Orli was still close with all the Hobbits. He’d heard the months after their break-up had been extremely hard on Orli, and he hadn’t asked for details from Ian. And that’s also when Orlando met Mark, Orlando’s new boyfriend of a few months. Kate had now become a close friend, their relationship having fizzled out. The reunion was buzzing with the news that Orlando had recently been nominated for his first Oscar (which he would later win) and was tipped as a hot favourite.

To Viggo’s amazement and chagrin, Orlando had come out six months prior to reunion just before he started dating Mark, and after the evitable anti gay backlash, things eventually settled and seemed to make little difference to his carrier. Of course there had been plenty of homophobic comments, religious rants, anti gay sentiments, some of it very harsh, making Viggo cringe and fume with anger at the insults being hurled at Orlando, he’d wanted to ring Orlando up, offer his support but had always held him back, he had no experience of what Orlando was going through, so how could he help? No doubt it had been extremely tough on Orlando, but to his credit, he never backed down.

Typically, Orlando refused to insult or throw names at those who had insulted him and he refused to be beaten down, Viggo had to admire his courage, and found himself ashamed of his own fear of coming out. Maybe Orlando was right, maybe Hollywood didn’t care because the movie offers kept coming as fast as before, if not more so, and the audiences kept spending their hard earned money at the box office. He was still a clear favourite with the ladies, frequently topping their ‘who’s hottest’ polls; in fact, being gay, or rather bisexual, seemed to only have enhanced his sex appeal and bank ability.

He’d heard Elijah explain at the party that, apparently, women found all sexy, incredibly gorgeous gay/bi men irresistible ... something about being ‘tender, and non-threatening’. Very little had seemed to change about Orlando’s life and carrier. The only difference now was that Orlando had a healthy legion of men openly lusting and drooling after him, much to Viggo’s secret annoyance, although he didn’t voice his opinions, he didn’t have the right to. When he came out, all the Hobbits and Liv had staunchly stood by him, and presenting formidable adversaries for anyone who would dare insult their friend and Kate had publicly stated her affection and admiration for him. They’d remained close friends, even after their split. He began to develop affection for Kate after that. Even Orli’s ‘Hollywood’ friends, such as Johnny Depp, Eric Bana and Brad Pitt, didn’t seem to be at all fazed by having an openly gay friend and were willing to defend that friendship if need be.

When Eric had been photographed visiting Orlando for a social call, he hadn't been impressed at an interviewer who’d commented on him openly ‘hugging a gay man’, Eric had smoothly replied that Orlando was in fact bisexual and asked if he had a problem with that, the underlying warning visible, wisely the interviewer had moved on with his questioning.

But their defences were most evident during the shooting of Pirates 2, when an obnoxious journalist tried to get Johnny to give his ‘true’ feelings on having an openly gay friend, he’d kept pestering them so much, Orlando had got sick of the man and had walked away, clearly upset. Keira shooting the man a disgusted look had swiftly followed an obviously upset Orlando. Johnny had become so angry that he’d almost hit the man. Fortunately security turned up at Gore’s request and ‘escorted’ the offending journalist away, it had taken very little encouragement from Johnny for Gore to perminantly ban the journalist from the set. When interviewed about his now famous defence of Orlando, he’d merely shrugged, replying he didn’t appreciate his friends being hassled.

At the premiere, Johnny, Keira and Orlando had been as affectionate as they were the first time around, if not more so and it was obvious that Orlando proved you could be out and be successful.

It was at the reuinion party that Liv, who’d by then forgiven Viggo for hurting Orli, told Viggo just how hurt Orli had been after their break-up: how he’d not eaten properly, worked like crazy, and barely got any sleep. She hadn’t wanted to hurt Viggo, but wanted his to understand the foolishness of his actions. She told him it was thanks to the Hobbits and Kate that he’d been properly looked after. Viggo had felt horribly guilty about his private loathing of the blond girl. Their relationship hadn’t been a media stunt or planned in any way, but it had been exactly what Orlando needed. Kate knew she was never going to be the Great Love of Orlando’s life, but she was OK with that.

She’d helped Orlando get back on his feet, and unsurprisingly he’d proved a very devoted and loving boyfriend. Their split had been a mutual decision. The only thing that had really changed after their split was that they no longer shared a bed, so it hadn’t been a gut wrenching angst on either’s part. They turned up at each other’s films, even went to dinner together several times. Viggo had been jealous, even after he’d heard of their split. Then Mark came along. Viggo knew little about the man, except Mark was a fight expert whom Orlando met while filming Kingdom of Heaven. He’d come to Elijah’s reunion party and seemed to get on with everyone, but Viggo had hated him on sight, not surprising really. The man had seemed far too arrogant and self-centred to be with Orlando, but that was his call.

Orlando had been polite to Viggo, excessively so, but he’d clearly held his distance and never once touched him, not even giving Viggo a hug that Orli was famous for. That had hurt Viggo, but he didn’t say anything. He lost that right because he was the one who had dumped Orli. He briefly wondered where this Mark was, surely he should be here for Orlando in his hour of need, playing the role of the devoted boyfriend and Viggo was pretty convinced they were still together, they’d been no break-up reports, so why the hell wasn’t he here? Why hadn’t Dominic or Elijah rang Mark instead of ringing him? Surely that would have made more sense…unless, of course, Mark had something to do with why Orlando was here. But that was impossible. Orlando couldn’t have…he’d never let that happen to him.

Besides it was impossible to keep… things like that hidden, not from the ever prying media and even nosier friends, no it couldn’t be…that. Viggo stood at the door holding his breath. Beyond the door lay Orlando, one of the most important people in his life and he couldn't even work up the courage to walk in. Before he could make a decision, Elijah opened the door, standing face to face with Viggo. "Are you actually going to come in, or run away? Don't worry, I doubt Orlando would notice; he hasn't really noticed much being unconscious and all," Elijah added, a bitter tinge to his voice. Viggo should have been shocked to hear such anger in Elijah's voice, but he wasn't; it was the truth, wasn't it? He'd been planning to run away.

He found he couldn't look at Orlando's damaged body knowing he played some role in Orlando being where he was now. "H-how is he?" Viggo whispered, as he gazed, almost hypnotised, at Orlando's still form. Elijah glared at the wall but kept silent, clearly biting back a sarcastic comment:

`Gee Viggo, he's great. Really. I mean Orlando’s lying in a hospital in a coma after trying to kill himself because he was in so much pain. But don't worry, Viggo, he'll soon be the fun loving Orli we all know; he'll bounce right back. Everything will be fine, it always is, because he's Orlando.'

"Do they know when he'll wake up?" Viggo asked with a note of pleading in his voice.

"I don't know; you'll have to ask Dom. The doctors talked to him. They guessed maybe in a few days, but it could be months or years. His head took most of the impact, when he fell" Elijah replied. He couldn't do this. He couldn't hold himself together in front of Viggo. He couldn't take it anymore; the stress and worry had been eating him up. "Not that it really matters anyway," he muttered, looking away. He didn't want to break down in front of Viggo Mortensen. Viggo sharply turned his head.

"Of course it matters! Orlando matters; he always has," Viggo growled.

"Why are you here?" Elijah asked bluntly. "You haven't seen Orli in what, five…six years? For all you know, it could have been just a broken arm, you remember how accident prone your little Orli was; why come rushing in? Why now?" there was a tone of bitter mocking that he couldn’t fail to miss. Viggo immediately stiffened at the accusation.

"Dominic just told me Orlando was in hospital, that he’d tried to kill himself, what was I supposed to do? And I'd always come no matter what happened. I still… care about Orlando. He's my friend, first and foremost, and nothing will ever change that." Elijah didn’t look impressed.

Strange way you’ve got of showing it Elijah thought, mentally snorting. Six years of nothing – no calls or contact and now you come running to the rescue? Well bravo Viggo. How fucking considerate of you. What a champ.

"Not even if Orlando tried to kill himself?” Elijah asked bluntly, not sparing Viggo. To his way of thinking Viggo was partly responsible for Orlando’s hospitalisation and he wasn’t going to let Viggo forget that.

“If he got so sick and tired of his life, if his pain got so bad, so unbearable that he turned his back on it, and just gave up? Face it Viggo ... you don't know Orlando anymore. The Orlando you knew, your Orli, never would have tried to kill himself. He was in love – with you and with life. He was happy. He's different now; he gave up." Elijah wanted to be angry, he wanted to rage and scream, but he didn't. He moved over to Orlando.

"Look at him Viggo. Really look. This is the real Orlando." Unconsciously, Elijah brushed a loose strand of hair from Orlando's forehead, while he took his hand.

For the first time Viggo did exactly that: he looked at Orlando. He saw the bruises, the cuts and scars. The swollen black eye, the white drawn skin, the frail, powerless body lying so unnaturally still. He took in the breathing respirators and the heart monitors, the tubes running in and out of Orlando. He felt himself shatter. Sinking down in the hospital chair, he took a deep, shuddering breath.

"It hurts doesn't it," Elijah said. It wasn't a question. There was no malice attached to it; it was just a statement. "To see Orlando like this. He never stopped loving you after you left Viggo. Not with Kate or with Mark. Kate could accept that; she understood and that's why they're still friends. Mark couldn't, and that's why Orlando's here," Elijah finished with a whisper, biting back the tears that had threatened for so long.

The horrific full meaning of Elijah's words began to sink in. Orlando had been hurt, and it was his fault. Mark was jealous of Viggo and had taken it out on Orlando. For the first time in over five years, Viggo began to cry.

TBC

Comments

[orlicat.livejournal.com]

I've read this on Aniron before and its still very well written and well handled. I look forward to reading more.