Not Fair. A ViggOrli fic.
Oct. 27th, 2004 06:38 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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vigorliTitle: Not Fair (1/1)
Author: Ana Gonzalez
Pairing: VM/OB
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I do not own these two men, they own themselves.
I am not making any claims on their sexuality.
This is only a product of my imagination.
I wish it was true, though. :-)
Note: This is an angsty fic, but it has a happy ending. Cross my heart and hope to die!
Feedback: Yes, please!
“It´ s not fair.”, Viggo cried out, while standing by the window from which he could see the lonely tree.
One year had passed since he and Orlando had carved their names on the wooden trunk.
“ VO Forever” in elvish, they wrote.
The older man walked towards the night stand, in a frenzy.
“It´ s not fair.” He sighed, while opening one of the closets.
He grabbed an envelope, not firmly for his hands were shaking, and sat on the bed.
The poor light of an Autumn morning hardly lighted up the large space.
Viggo´s room. Their room, to be more precise, was lacking life.
It was so little, the time that the two men spent together. So little and bitter sweet, the time they had to lay down on that same bed, and just gaze at each other for a million years condensed in every single second…
Always running from one location to another, from Africa to Asia.
Always trying to be everywhere, to please everyone, and being anywhere but the only place where they both felt happy and complete.
There´ s no place like home.
Home is wherever our heart is.
This was a thought Viggo shared.
Indeed, he knew home was wherever Orlando was.
Wherever they were together.
His heart could not ask for anything else.
That house didn´ t look like a home, for quite a while.
That bed didn´t look like a perfect lit for lovers; since the moments of passion and sweet love it had testified , although magical, were filled with melancholy…
When they finally fit their schedules so that they could spend some time together, the bliss only lasted for a few days.
Even then, the cell phones never stopped ringing, repeatedly; compromise after compromise with the film industry, the agents controlling and demanding almost everything.
Orlando was the one who could never say no.
One more photographic session, holding a bottle of milk while keeping the loveliest of smiles.
One more rendezvous with crazy devoted fans at the Grand Cafe; boys and girls eager to take off his clothes, grab him by the heart, and take a part of the hot star with them.
Orlando felt violated somehow. Still, he was the one who could never stop showing a smile.
This was the greatest time of his life, with his dream career reaching the peak.
This wasn´ t the time to start descending the Hollywood hill.
But nothing was more important than the man he loved. The man he had fallen hopelessly in love with, from the first time their eyes met.
That had not changed.
The huge success hadn´t corrupted Orlando´s mind to the point of making him believe that, there was anything more important than Viggo…
~~ ~~ ~~
“ I miss you so damn much, Orlando!
I don´t care if it is my birthday, for me it is a day like any other day; what hurts is to be far from you for such a long time. I have to rely on my eyes to keep me sane, while I stare at your pictures for hours, reminding myself that you are mine. My own.
And you love me…
“Oh baby, I love you, I love you so much!!!
You know that!
It hurts me too.
But I promise I will be there in two days, to celebrate your sweet 46 th birthday with you, my love.
I promise, I promise.
Damn it, the phone connection is failing! I can´t hear you, love.
I`m sorry, I need to hang up.
I love you, I love you, I love you…”
Orlando was still in Toronto, two days remaining to Viggo´s 46 th birthday.
He was fighting with Robin who wanted him to do a few more press conferences, and attend an honouring party in behalf of some well known Canadian arts patron.
The event was scheduled to happen on October 21, but it would have to go on without Orlando´s presence, because there was a much more important event for him to attend on October 20.
The aching truth was that, although the two actors had been in Toronto for some days, during the same week, they hadn´t been able to get together, not even for a solemn hour.
Viggo called it “The Toronto Hell”.
During that week, the older man had been shooting the last scenes of “A History Of Violence”, and his schedule had been very tight.
Orlando had been attending the premiere of his forth-coming movie “Haven”, one he was deeply proud of.
Signing autographs to screaming fans, giving interviews that would last for hours, during the whole week.
Eric had promised his little brother he would be there, to give him his support.
And so he did fly to the Canadian city, and went to check in in the same hotel Orlando was staying.
Viggo wasn´t happy about that…
Somehow he felt scared to death whenever Eric came to see his Orlando.
“Silly old man!”, he thought to himself.
He knew from the bottom of his heart that, there was nothing but a true, deep and beautiful friendship between his elf boy and the Aussie.
But somehow, he couldn´t stop feeling butterflies in his stomach, everytime he thought of them together.
“Silly old man. That´s what you are Viggo Mortensen. Just a silly old man.”
Viggo repeated to himself, while trying hard to erase those thought from his mind.
Still, his sub conscious was not fully convinced.
~~ ~~ ~~
Now there he was, sitting on the lonely bed, holding an envelope in his hands.
He opened it carefully, so that he wouldn´ t rip it, and reached for the letter and the picture in it.
It was a letter from Orlando.
The young man had sent him that letter five months before, Viggo received it one day after their 3 rd anniversary.
They were supposed to have spend it together, but Orlando didn´t make it on time.
It was a short piece of paper, vanilla scented (Viggo´s favourite scent), and the hand writing on it was very Orlandoish; Few words, big letters.
“I am so sorry.
I am an asshole.
I hate myself for breaking a promise.
You deserve someone much better than me. I know.
But please, don´t stop loving me! Ever!
I would kill myself…
Love you!!!”
Orlando had sent a picture too.
He was standing on the sidewalk of a very busy street, holding a huge piece of paper with the words “I love Viggo Mortensen!” on it.
And he had the most irresistible of smiles, meant for his love only. Viggo surely couldn´t resist to that.
As Viggo was now looking at the picture once again, caressing it tenderly with weeping fingers, a feeling of melancholy stroke his heart, together with a feeling of fear…
Three years had passed since they gave their hearts away, to each other, and admitted their love to ever dare deny or fight it again.
Three years had passed since they dived into each other´s deep blue oceans, and found the same treasure. The greatest treasure of all.
It had been glorious. It had been so perfect that almost seemed surreal. They had stumbled on happiness, in all it´s essence and taste and colours.
They knew they loved each other more than life. And nothing was stronger than the will to stay together until death did them part.
Five months had passed since the first time Viggo realised that, Orlando was now a huge star shinning brighter than any other star, and he did not belong only to Viggo anymore. He belonged to the whole world.
To the cinema industry. To his agent. To the crazy devoted fans.
To his ever lasting image of older and younger women`s heartthrob.
What if this overwhelming pressure ended up forcing him to make a choice, between Viggo and the space in the Hollywood sky reserved only for him?
What if his boy wasn’t sure of which choice to take?
There he was, the fearful Ranger, sitting on the bed. There he was, gazing at a picture of his love that he missed terribly, feeling the first tears about to fall down his cold cheek.
“Almost midnight…”, he hummed, as he took a peak at in the living room`s wall clock.
He didn´t want to sleep on the bedroom, alone. Not that night.
Orlando had promised. Orlando would not fail him. No, he would not.
Viggo assured himself, making an effort to believe firmly in his thought.
He had told the truth when referring to his birthday as a day like any other day.
He didn´t care if he got to eat the cake, and make a wish while blowing out the candles.
But this was a question of time. Time slipping away. Too damn fast.
Forty six candles. Too much time already gone.
That was the reason why he had refused to let anyone throw a party to him.
He wanted to enjoy that day to the fullest, by spending it only with Orlando.
Henry understood his dad`s reasons, and wished him good luck for the romantic celebration.
Time had no mercy. Not of lovers. Not of anyone.
Time wouldn´t stop, so that Orlando could make all the movies and win all the awards he had dreamed of, and still settle down to spend the rest of his life with his older lover.
Viggo was only getting older. Orlando was only getting more beautiful than ever…
This thought took over his mind.
“Ten to midnight…”, Viggo muttered to himself.
He slowly walked outside, and stood on the porch for some minutes, hoping to see a taxi arriving…
But his lover wouldn´t arrive that day, as promised.
Viggo looked at the clock one last time; it marked one minute past midnight.
It was October 21 already.
He let his tired body fall onto to the couch.
Sleepy and with his energies wasted on a feeling of longing, Viggo closed his eyes.
His body was now completely still. His mind lost in the world of dreaming.
Orlando came giving instructions to the taxi driver, all the way from the airport.
“come on, faster, faster!
I need to get home as soon as possible.”
The middle age man with Italian accent driving the taxi, kept repeating to Orlando that he could not exceed the speed limit.
But the young man couldn´t care less for the speed limit; if they were stopped by a police car he would offer himself to spend a night, a week in jail if needed, or do some community service, anything… Nothing would keep him from getting home as soon as possible, and save his relationship.
He feared that Viggo wouldn´t forgive him, this time.
Orlando wouldn´t blame his lover if he felt too hurt to accept him and still love him unconditionally, after this.
It wasn´t the first time that a promise made to Viggo had been broken.
The young man felt utterly ashamed, and scared.
The taxi came speeding to finally bring Orlando to his sweet home.
Orlando, tired and over stressed, paid 100 dollars to the angry driver, and opened the door get out, slamming it behind him.
He took a deep breath, and walked fearfully but on a quick pace towards the house front door.
That was Orlando´s home, for 3 years.
He still thanked God everynight, for the way Henry had welcomed him, and the way both Viggo and his son made him feel there.
Orlando felt in peace. He felt whole. He felt blessed beyond belief.
This was the second time in five months that, the young man was terribly afraid to open the door.
He wondered on what Viggo´s reaction would turn out to be.
It took him some minutes to find the right key. Orlando`s hands were trembling, of cold and anxiety. He finally found the key to his house but dropped it on the floor; he bent down to pick it up.
He felt like he was holding the key to Paradise or Hell…
He opened the door as carefully as possible, hoping not to make much noise and awake their dog Strider, awakening the whole neighbourhood.
He succeeded. But he knew that the most difficult part was surely still to come.
Orlando left his bags in the hall, and headed to the living room where he turned on the table lamp. He saw Viggo´s legs, then his torso, laying on the couch.
The older man´s breathing was heavy and irregular, Orlando could clearly realise his lover wasn´t sleeping peacefully.
It was freezing cold in the room; the fire place wasn´t lit and one of the windows was not completely closed.
Viggo didn´t have any blanket covering him, anything keeping him warm. He shivered.
Orlando felt a piece of his heart breaking, another piece of his heart sighing, the last piece of his heart screaming: “You don´t deserve this man!”
I don´t deserve my love.
It was too painful to admit this thought was true, but Orlando felt he couldn´t fight it, for it became clear to him that he didn´t make Viggo happy.
Little things mattered more than repeating “I love you!” all the time.
But this wasn`t a little thing, it was his lover`s 46 th birthday. Such an important date, and he had failed to honour Viggo. He had failed to be the perfect lover and companion he so deeply wished to be.
Orlando reached out his hand to caress Viggo`s face, but restrained.
“Oh baby, I am so sorry. My beautiful love…”, Orlando murmured, as he contemplated all the beauty on Viggo`s face.
The younger man leaned forward to turn out the light, when he hit his elbow against the table.
“God damn it!!!”, he muttered.
But Viggo woke up to the sound of the first noise.
“Stupid bastard”, Orlando cried out to himself, banging his head against the wall.
The young man no longer felt eager to have a talk with Viggo. He wasn´t sure he had the courage to say all he needed to say, and listen to the words that would flow from his lover´s mouth.
Orlando had never felt so scared and insecure in his entire life, not even when he was a little boy. He was sure Viggo felt utterly hurt.
The older man got up slowly, feeling dizzy and terribly cold. He wrapped his arms around his body, as he tried to open his eyes completely.
He had been abruptly awakened from a nightmare he was having, with Orlando and Eric.
The Aussie was caressing the Brit´s hair, looking at him with eyes filled with lust. He leaned forward to kiss Orlando in the mouth, when Viggo returned to the real world.
It had been too excruciating to the older man, it all seemed and felt so real in the dream.
He just wanted to forget it all.
When Viggo lifted his head with eyes fully opened, he saw Orlando standing there, staring at him, like a statue.
When Viggo started to walk towards Orlando, he stumbled and almost fell on the floor.
The younger man moved as fast as he could, and was able to catch his lover before he hit the cold surface.
“I got you, love.”
There they were, looking each other in the eye, with arms wrapped around each other´s bodies, at the most painful break of dawn of their lives.
“Orlando, you´re home…”
“That´s right love, I`m home.”, Orlando sighed deeply, still not sure of what to do or say.
He couldn´t see if his lover was smiling at him, or telling him to back up with a message that, Orlando would only be able to read if he penetrated in his lover´s eyes…
“Oh God, I believe I never felt so happy to see you, and still, so damn scared.
I have so much to explain to you, but I don´t know if you are willing to listen to me, or even to put up with me, anymore.
I came screaming to the taxi driver all the way from the airport, bouncing and turning in the passenger seat, with my heart beating like crazy, so desperate to see you…
Now I am finally home. Home, it feels so good, so right to say this word. Your home, my home. My haven.
The last thing I ever wanted was to disappoint you, and I did it more than once. Your 46 th birthday, such an important date, and I missed it. This is the second time I break a promise, and I feel so ashamed and guilty and mad at myself!”
“It´s okay Orlando, you don´t have to explain anything.”, Viggo said looking down.
He tried to escape from Orlando`s embrace, by stepping back and placing his hands on the younger man´s chest, gently pushing him away. But Orlando wouldn´t let go of Viggo, so he pulled his lover tighter against his body.
“No, it`s not okay. It`s anything but okay. You deserve an explanation.
Everything went wrong yesterday; the flight I was supposed to catch was delayed due to some technical problems, I wanted to call you but my cell had no battery, and I had no coins to put in the stupid phone at the airport. I tried to find another way to get here on time, but there was no other transportation.
I sat on one of those uncomfortable chairs, and started looking at my watch every half an hour, then every 10 minutes. I was tired and angry, but above all that I was so, so sad for ending up hurting you once again.
I hurt myself too, because this date was, is so important to me, and I wasn´t here to celebrate it.
I thank the Man from above every single day for bringing you to me. I thank Him for making our paths cross, and leading me towards the greatest love I could ever dream of.
You are in this world for 46 years, and although you only came into my life five years ago, I feel like I`ve known you for all that time.
I believe I loved you even before I met you.
I loved your wisdom, when I did not exist yet.
I loved your energy, the colours of your spirit even before I gazed at you for the first time.
I…”
Orlando`s eyes were now filled with tears, tears coloured crimson.
A rush of blood to the head, as a rush of wrenching fear from his heart to the windows of his soul.
“I love you so desperately, Viggo! So, so much…
I am so sorry for being this mess of a person that hurts you all the time.
I am so sick of playing other people`s games, and trying to keep Robin and the fans and the whole fucking industry satisfied, when all that really matters is us.
You and me together is heaven, nothing is more important to me than what we have.
Nothing.
I can`t lose you Viggo. Please…”
Orlando searched for some sign in his lover´s eyes. He stared at him so profoundly, almost melting and forgetting himself, for some minutes. He wanted to see a reaction from Viggo.
A scream, a sigh, anything.
It was Viggo´s silence that scared Orlando the most.
“I told Robin things would change from now on, because I can´t keep this pace anymore. I will make less movies.
The voice within whispered to me that I need to spend more time at home. With you. For my own sake. And for us. I do anything for us.
I can follow you anywhere, to any location in the world.
I will do anything not to lose you.”
“You can´t do that. It is your dream, Orlando, you can´t give up on your dream.
There´s no point in saying you will, because you won´t.
I would never ask you to give up on your greatest dream.”
“Did you hear what I said?” Orlando clasped Viggo´s fists, firmly. “ I will do anything, absolutely anything not to lose you, because all that matters to me is us.”
In that moment, as Viggo allowed himself to look Orlando deep in the eye, he could see that the love was there. It was no lie.
Orlando did love him.
When Orlando told him he was determined to slow down in his career for the sake of their relationship, the words had flown straight from the young man´s heart.
That was Viggo`s boy. There was so much emotion in his words, in his gestures, in his eyes.
He hardly ever thought twice before making a decision.
Orlando did whatever his heart told him to do.
That was the boy Viggo knew, and loved more than life.
Orlando was clear as the water from a stream that had never been polluted.
He still kept his innocence. He would never lose it, Viggo wanted to believe.
Orlando was truly willing to do anything not to lose what they had together.
Knowing this, it should be so simple to accept, but Viggo was still afraid to lose his love. Maybe it just wasn´t fair to become the sun which Orlando`s whole existence revolved around, when the young man could be the star that all the other stars aimed to reach.
“I don´t know if this is right. Should you change your plans for you career just for me?
I am 46 years, my acting career won´t go much further than the point I reached already.
I have my writings, my photography, other stuff that are very important to me.
You are already huge in Hollywood, but you can fly so much higher if you fully dedicate yourself to it.
I fear I may be pushing you down, keeping your dream from coming perfectly true.
That is the last thing I want.”
“You don´t understand…
You are my dream. The greatest dream I could ever have, and it has already come true in the most perfect way!
I don´t blame you for doubting me, I know how angry I felt yesterday when I realised I would break a promise, for the second time.
I know how stupid I feel when I am doing some interview on the other side of the world, while you are here at our home, and I miss you so badly.
I have been failing in this relationship, over and over again. I am the one who needs to bend on my knees, and urge you to forgive me, because you deserve so much more than this, someone so much better than me.
But I can change. And I promise I will change. Because I love you too damn much, baby!!!”
Orlando was holding Viggo´s hands so tightly in his that, his skin was no longer his own but Viggo´s skin.
The younger man was holding on to the love of his life, with all the strength he had.
He knew he could not lose Viggo, otherwise he would lose himself in the mist.
Viggo knew he could never resist to that person standing before him, gazing at him with warm, brown eyes that made his heart pump so fast and happy.
He felt so unable to breathe without the touch of his lover, the words Orlando whispered in his ear.
If he left his own being, and looked at him from another person´s eyes, he would surely think that it wasn´t fair, it just wasn´t fair to make a person love another so hungrily, to the point of taking away her ability to survive alone.
Viggo belonged to Orlando, and there was no turning back.
He had always treasured his surviving skills, and freedom to belong only to himself.
Of course Henry held a huge part of his heart, and the love he felt for his son was overwhelming. But he didn´t feel like drowning when Henry was far from home, just for a couple of days.
His chest didn´t start to hurt with a wrenching pressing, just because Henry called one or two hours later than he had promised to.
When it came to his son, Viggo still kept control of his life.
When it came to Orlando, the older man had already given himself away to that boy. Completely and unconsciously. Forever.
Viggo gazed at Orlando`s eyes, diving into his soul.
It was so utterly beautiful, that place.
For the first time since they had started the long conversation, he smiled at the younger man with the rainbow in his eyes.
He held Orlando`s head with his two hands, and softly pressed his nose against his lover´s nose.
“I could tell you that it`s not fair to make me love you this much, I could tell you that it`s not fair to make me need you this desperately, I could tell you that it´s not fair to make me forget who I am, when you are not in my arms.
It´s not fair to make you give up one some things for me, either.
I could tell you so many things…
It´s not fair to be so angry at God and life sometimes, when we have already found the treasure many people never get to see, not even in a hundred years.
But I won´t say anything, because you know we are just wasting time.
I know I love you, and I know you love me. You know I love you more than life.
No news to either of the two.
I guess we can say everything and express every thought and feeling, just by looking into each other`s eyes, because everything we are is there.
Let´s not waste more time. This is a promise.”
Viggo kissed Orlando`s forehead with honey in his lips, and then intertwined his fingers in his lover´s, to lead him to their room.
“I am the happiest elf alive! You know that, Viggo.
The war becomes too hard to fight sometimes, but my ranger never ceases believing in me.”
Orlando winked at his love, with the happiest of smiles.
He knew they would spend the whole day in bed, breathing each other´s breath, and making every single second last an eternity.
“As soon as we get out of bed, I will make a new tattoo on my lower back. I will write "VO forever".
You can bet on it!
The last one to get to the room will receive a punishment.
One, two, three…”
Orlando went running towards the room as fast as he could, while Viggo tried to push his lover´s shirt, making him fall in his arms.
Some things in life are not fair. Love is the only thing that justifies all means to an end.
End.
Author: Ana Gonzalez
Pairing: VM/OB
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I do not own these two men, they own themselves.
I am not making any claims on their sexuality.
This is only a product of my imagination.
I wish it was true, though. :-)
Note: This is an angsty fic, but it has a happy ending. Cross my heart and hope to die!
Feedback: Yes, please!
“It´ s not fair.”, Viggo cried out, while standing by the window from which he could see the lonely tree.
One year had passed since he and Orlando had carved their names on the wooden trunk.
“ VO Forever” in elvish, they wrote.
The older man walked towards the night stand, in a frenzy.
“It´ s not fair.” He sighed, while opening one of the closets.
He grabbed an envelope, not firmly for his hands were shaking, and sat on the bed.
The poor light of an Autumn morning hardly lighted up the large space.
Viggo´s room. Their room, to be more precise, was lacking life.
It was so little, the time that the two men spent together. So little and bitter sweet, the time they had to lay down on that same bed, and just gaze at each other for a million years condensed in every single second…
Always running from one location to another, from Africa to Asia.
Always trying to be everywhere, to please everyone, and being anywhere but the only place where they both felt happy and complete.
There´ s no place like home.
Home is wherever our heart is.
This was a thought Viggo shared.
Indeed, he knew home was wherever Orlando was.
Wherever they were together.
His heart could not ask for anything else.
That house didn´ t look like a home, for quite a while.
That bed didn´t look like a perfect lit for lovers; since the moments of passion and sweet love it had testified , although magical, were filled with melancholy…
When they finally fit their schedules so that they could spend some time together, the bliss only lasted for a few days.
Even then, the cell phones never stopped ringing, repeatedly; compromise after compromise with the film industry, the agents controlling and demanding almost everything.
Orlando was the one who could never say no.
One more photographic session, holding a bottle of milk while keeping the loveliest of smiles.
One more rendezvous with crazy devoted fans at the Grand Cafe; boys and girls eager to take off his clothes, grab him by the heart, and take a part of the hot star with them.
Orlando felt violated somehow. Still, he was the one who could never stop showing a smile.
This was the greatest time of his life, with his dream career reaching the peak.
This wasn´ t the time to start descending the Hollywood hill.
But nothing was more important than the man he loved. The man he had fallen hopelessly in love with, from the first time their eyes met.
That had not changed.
The huge success hadn´t corrupted Orlando´s mind to the point of making him believe that, there was anything more important than Viggo…
~~ ~~ ~~
“ I miss you so damn much, Orlando!
I don´t care if it is my birthday, for me it is a day like any other day; what hurts is to be far from you for such a long time. I have to rely on my eyes to keep me sane, while I stare at your pictures for hours, reminding myself that you are mine. My own.
And you love me…
“Oh baby, I love you, I love you so much!!!
You know that!
It hurts me too.
But I promise I will be there in two days, to celebrate your sweet 46 th birthday with you, my love.
I promise, I promise.
Damn it, the phone connection is failing! I can´t hear you, love.
I`m sorry, I need to hang up.
I love you, I love you, I love you…”
Orlando was still in Toronto, two days remaining to Viggo´s 46 th birthday.
He was fighting with Robin who wanted him to do a few more press conferences, and attend an honouring party in behalf of some well known Canadian arts patron.
The event was scheduled to happen on October 21, but it would have to go on without Orlando´s presence, because there was a much more important event for him to attend on October 20.
The aching truth was that, although the two actors had been in Toronto for some days, during the same week, they hadn´t been able to get together, not even for a solemn hour.
Viggo called it “The Toronto Hell”.
During that week, the older man had been shooting the last scenes of “A History Of Violence”, and his schedule had been very tight.
Orlando had been attending the premiere of his forth-coming movie “Haven”, one he was deeply proud of.
Signing autographs to screaming fans, giving interviews that would last for hours, during the whole week.
Eric had promised his little brother he would be there, to give him his support.
And so he did fly to the Canadian city, and went to check in in the same hotel Orlando was staying.
Viggo wasn´t happy about that…
Somehow he felt scared to death whenever Eric came to see his Orlando.
“Silly old man!”, he thought to himself.
He knew from the bottom of his heart that, there was nothing but a true, deep and beautiful friendship between his elf boy and the Aussie.
But somehow, he couldn´t stop feeling butterflies in his stomach, everytime he thought of them together.
“Silly old man. That´s what you are Viggo Mortensen. Just a silly old man.”
Viggo repeated to himself, while trying hard to erase those thought from his mind.
Still, his sub conscious was not fully convinced.
~~ ~~ ~~
Now there he was, sitting on the lonely bed, holding an envelope in his hands.
He opened it carefully, so that he wouldn´ t rip it, and reached for the letter and the picture in it.
It was a letter from Orlando.
The young man had sent him that letter five months before, Viggo received it one day after their 3 rd anniversary.
They were supposed to have spend it together, but Orlando didn´t make it on time.
It was a short piece of paper, vanilla scented (Viggo´s favourite scent), and the hand writing on it was very Orlandoish; Few words, big letters.
“I am so sorry.
I am an asshole.
I hate myself for breaking a promise.
You deserve someone much better than me. I know.
But please, don´t stop loving me! Ever!
I would kill myself…
Love you!!!”
Orlando had sent a picture too.
He was standing on the sidewalk of a very busy street, holding a huge piece of paper with the words “I love Viggo Mortensen!” on it.
And he had the most irresistible of smiles, meant for his love only. Viggo surely couldn´t resist to that.
As Viggo was now looking at the picture once again, caressing it tenderly with weeping fingers, a feeling of melancholy stroke his heart, together with a feeling of fear…
Three years had passed since they gave their hearts away, to each other, and admitted their love to ever dare deny or fight it again.
Three years had passed since they dived into each other´s deep blue oceans, and found the same treasure. The greatest treasure of all.
It had been glorious. It had been so perfect that almost seemed surreal. They had stumbled on happiness, in all it´s essence and taste and colours.
They knew they loved each other more than life. And nothing was stronger than the will to stay together until death did them part.
Five months had passed since the first time Viggo realised that, Orlando was now a huge star shinning brighter than any other star, and he did not belong only to Viggo anymore. He belonged to the whole world.
To the cinema industry. To his agent. To the crazy devoted fans.
To his ever lasting image of older and younger women`s heartthrob.
What if this overwhelming pressure ended up forcing him to make a choice, between Viggo and the space in the Hollywood sky reserved only for him?
What if his boy wasn’t sure of which choice to take?
There he was, the fearful Ranger, sitting on the bed. There he was, gazing at a picture of his love that he missed terribly, feeling the first tears about to fall down his cold cheek.
“Almost midnight…”, he hummed, as he took a peak at in the living room`s wall clock.
He didn´t want to sleep on the bedroom, alone. Not that night.
Orlando had promised. Orlando would not fail him. No, he would not.
Viggo assured himself, making an effort to believe firmly in his thought.
He had told the truth when referring to his birthday as a day like any other day.
He didn´t care if he got to eat the cake, and make a wish while blowing out the candles.
But this was a question of time. Time slipping away. Too damn fast.
Forty six candles. Too much time already gone.
That was the reason why he had refused to let anyone throw a party to him.
He wanted to enjoy that day to the fullest, by spending it only with Orlando.
Henry understood his dad`s reasons, and wished him good luck for the romantic celebration.
Time had no mercy. Not of lovers. Not of anyone.
Time wouldn´t stop, so that Orlando could make all the movies and win all the awards he had dreamed of, and still settle down to spend the rest of his life with his older lover.
Viggo was only getting older. Orlando was only getting more beautiful than ever…
This thought took over his mind.
“Ten to midnight…”, Viggo muttered to himself.
He slowly walked outside, and stood on the porch for some minutes, hoping to see a taxi arriving…
But his lover wouldn´t arrive that day, as promised.
Viggo looked at the clock one last time; it marked one minute past midnight.
It was October 21 already.
He let his tired body fall onto to the couch.
Sleepy and with his energies wasted on a feeling of longing, Viggo closed his eyes.
His body was now completely still. His mind lost in the world of dreaming.
Orlando came giving instructions to the taxi driver, all the way from the airport.
“come on, faster, faster!
I need to get home as soon as possible.”
The middle age man with Italian accent driving the taxi, kept repeating to Orlando that he could not exceed the speed limit.
But the young man couldn´t care less for the speed limit; if they were stopped by a police car he would offer himself to spend a night, a week in jail if needed, or do some community service, anything… Nothing would keep him from getting home as soon as possible, and save his relationship.
He feared that Viggo wouldn´t forgive him, this time.
Orlando wouldn´t blame his lover if he felt too hurt to accept him and still love him unconditionally, after this.
It wasn´t the first time that a promise made to Viggo had been broken.
The young man felt utterly ashamed, and scared.
The taxi came speeding to finally bring Orlando to his sweet home.
Orlando, tired and over stressed, paid 100 dollars to the angry driver, and opened the door get out, slamming it behind him.
He took a deep breath, and walked fearfully but on a quick pace towards the house front door.
That was Orlando´s home, for 3 years.
He still thanked God everynight, for the way Henry had welcomed him, and the way both Viggo and his son made him feel there.
Orlando felt in peace. He felt whole. He felt blessed beyond belief.
This was the second time in five months that, the young man was terribly afraid to open the door.
He wondered on what Viggo´s reaction would turn out to be.
It took him some minutes to find the right key. Orlando`s hands were trembling, of cold and anxiety. He finally found the key to his house but dropped it on the floor; he bent down to pick it up.
He felt like he was holding the key to Paradise or Hell…
He opened the door as carefully as possible, hoping not to make much noise and awake their dog Strider, awakening the whole neighbourhood.
He succeeded. But he knew that the most difficult part was surely still to come.
Orlando left his bags in the hall, and headed to the living room where he turned on the table lamp. He saw Viggo´s legs, then his torso, laying on the couch.
The older man´s breathing was heavy and irregular, Orlando could clearly realise his lover wasn´t sleeping peacefully.
It was freezing cold in the room; the fire place wasn´t lit and one of the windows was not completely closed.
Viggo didn´t have any blanket covering him, anything keeping him warm. He shivered.
Orlando felt a piece of his heart breaking, another piece of his heart sighing, the last piece of his heart screaming: “You don´t deserve this man!”
I don´t deserve my love.
It was too painful to admit this thought was true, but Orlando felt he couldn´t fight it, for it became clear to him that he didn´t make Viggo happy.
Little things mattered more than repeating “I love you!” all the time.
But this wasn`t a little thing, it was his lover`s 46 th birthday. Such an important date, and he had failed to honour Viggo. He had failed to be the perfect lover and companion he so deeply wished to be.
Orlando reached out his hand to caress Viggo`s face, but restrained.
“Oh baby, I am so sorry. My beautiful love…”, Orlando murmured, as he contemplated all the beauty on Viggo`s face.
The younger man leaned forward to turn out the light, when he hit his elbow against the table.
“God damn it!!!”, he muttered.
But Viggo woke up to the sound of the first noise.
“Stupid bastard”, Orlando cried out to himself, banging his head against the wall.
The young man no longer felt eager to have a talk with Viggo. He wasn´t sure he had the courage to say all he needed to say, and listen to the words that would flow from his lover´s mouth.
Orlando had never felt so scared and insecure in his entire life, not even when he was a little boy. He was sure Viggo felt utterly hurt.
The older man got up slowly, feeling dizzy and terribly cold. He wrapped his arms around his body, as he tried to open his eyes completely.
He had been abruptly awakened from a nightmare he was having, with Orlando and Eric.
The Aussie was caressing the Brit´s hair, looking at him with eyes filled with lust. He leaned forward to kiss Orlando in the mouth, when Viggo returned to the real world.
It had been too excruciating to the older man, it all seemed and felt so real in the dream.
He just wanted to forget it all.
When Viggo lifted his head with eyes fully opened, he saw Orlando standing there, staring at him, like a statue.
When Viggo started to walk towards Orlando, he stumbled and almost fell on the floor.
The younger man moved as fast as he could, and was able to catch his lover before he hit the cold surface.
“I got you, love.”
There they were, looking each other in the eye, with arms wrapped around each other´s bodies, at the most painful break of dawn of their lives.
“Orlando, you´re home…”
“That´s right love, I`m home.”, Orlando sighed deeply, still not sure of what to do or say.
He couldn´t see if his lover was smiling at him, or telling him to back up with a message that, Orlando would only be able to read if he penetrated in his lover´s eyes…
“Oh God, I believe I never felt so happy to see you, and still, so damn scared.
I have so much to explain to you, but I don´t know if you are willing to listen to me, or even to put up with me, anymore.
I came screaming to the taxi driver all the way from the airport, bouncing and turning in the passenger seat, with my heart beating like crazy, so desperate to see you…
Now I am finally home. Home, it feels so good, so right to say this word. Your home, my home. My haven.
The last thing I ever wanted was to disappoint you, and I did it more than once. Your 46 th birthday, such an important date, and I missed it. This is the second time I break a promise, and I feel so ashamed and guilty and mad at myself!”
“It´s okay Orlando, you don´t have to explain anything.”, Viggo said looking down.
He tried to escape from Orlando`s embrace, by stepping back and placing his hands on the younger man´s chest, gently pushing him away. But Orlando wouldn´t let go of Viggo, so he pulled his lover tighter against his body.
“No, it`s not okay. It`s anything but okay. You deserve an explanation.
Everything went wrong yesterday; the flight I was supposed to catch was delayed due to some technical problems, I wanted to call you but my cell had no battery, and I had no coins to put in the stupid phone at the airport. I tried to find another way to get here on time, but there was no other transportation.
I sat on one of those uncomfortable chairs, and started looking at my watch every half an hour, then every 10 minutes. I was tired and angry, but above all that I was so, so sad for ending up hurting you once again.
I hurt myself too, because this date was, is so important to me, and I wasn´t here to celebrate it.
I thank the Man from above every single day for bringing you to me. I thank Him for making our paths cross, and leading me towards the greatest love I could ever dream of.
You are in this world for 46 years, and although you only came into my life five years ago, I feel like I`ve known you for all that time.
I believe I loved you even before I met you.
I loved your wisdom, when I did not exist yet.
I loved your energy, the colours of your spirit even before I gazed at you for the first time.
I…”
Orlando`s eyes were now filled with tears, tears coloured crimson.
A rush of blood to the head, as a rush of wrenching fear from his heart to the windows of his soul.
“I love you so desperately, Viggo! So, so much…
I am so sorry for being this mess of a person that hurts you all the time.
I am so sick of playing other people`s games, and trying to keep Robin and the fans and the whole fucking industry satisfied, when all that really matters is us.
You and me together is heaven, nothing is more important to me than what we have.
Nothing.
I can`t lose you Viggo. Please…”
Orlando searched for some sign in his lover´s eyes. He stared at him so profoundly, almost melting and forgetting himself, for some minutes. He wanted to see a reaction from Viggo.
A scream, a sigh, anything.
It was Viggo´s silence that scared Orlando the most.
“I told Robin things would change from now on, because I can´t keep this pace anymore. I will make less movies.
The voice within whispered to me that I need to spend more time at home. With you. For my own sake. And for us. I do anything for us.
I can follow you anywhere, to any location in the world.
I will do anything not to lose you.”
“You can´t do that. It is your dream, Orlando, you can´t give up on your dream.
There´s no point in saying you will, because you won´t.
I would never ask you to give up on your greatest dream.”
“Did you hear what I said?” Orlando clasped Viggo´s fists, firmly. “ I will do anything, absolutely anything not to lose you, because all that matters to me is us.”
In that moment, as Viggo allowed himself to look Orlando deep in the eye, he could see that the love was there. It was no lie.
Orlando did love him.
When Orlando told him he was determined to slow down in his career for the sake of their relationship, the words had flown straight from the young man´s heart.
That was Viggo`s boy. There was so much emotion in his words, in his gestures, in his eyes.
He hardly ever thought twice before making a decision.
Orlando did whatever his heart told him to do.
That was the boy Viggo knew, and loved more than life.
Orlando was clear as the water from a stream that had never been polluted.
He still kept his innocence. He would never lose it, Viggo wanted to believe.
Orlando was truly willing to do anything not to lose what they had together.
Knowing this, it should be so simple to accept, but Viggo was still afraid to lose his love. Maybe it just wasn´t fair to become the sun which Orlando`s whole existence revolved around, when the young man could be the star that all the other stars aimed to reach.
“I don´t know if this is right. Should you change your plans for you career just for me?
I am 46 years, my acting career won´t go much further than the point I reached already.
I have my writings, my photography, other stuff that are very important to me.
You are already huge in Hollywood, but you can fly so much higher if you fully dedicate yourself to it.
I fear I may be pushing you down, keeping your dream from coming perfectly true.
That is the last thing I want.”
“You don´t understand…
You are my dream. The greatest dream I could ever have, and it has already come true in the most perfect way!
I don´t blame you for doubting me, I know how angry I felt yesterday when I realised I would break a promise, for the second time.
I know how stupid I feel when I am doing some interview on the other side of the world, while you are here at our home, and I miss you so badly.
I have been failing in this relationship, over and over again. I am the one who needs to bend on my knees, and urge you to forgive me, because you deserve so much more than this, someone so much better than me.
But I can change. And I promise I will change. Because I love you too damn much, baby!!!”
Orlando was holding Viggo´s hands so tightly in his that, his skin was no longer his own but Viggo´s skin.
The younger man was holding on to the love of his life, with all the strength he had.
He knew he could not lose Viggo, otherwise he would lose himself in the mist.
Viggo knew he could never resist to that person standing before him, gazing at him with warm, brown eyes that made his heart pump so fast and happy.
He felt so unable to breathe without the touch of his lover, the words Orlando whispered in his ear.
If he left his own being, and looked at him from another person´s eyes, he would surely think that it wasn´t fair, it just wasn´t fair to make a person love another so hungrily, to the point of taking away her ability to survive alone.
Viggo belonged to Orlando, and there was no turning back.
He had always treasured his surviving skills, and freedom to belong only to himself.
Of course Henry held a huge part of his heart, and the love he felt for his son was overwhelming. But he didn´t feel like drowning when Henry was far from home, just for a couple of days.
His chest didn´t start to hurt with a wrenching pressing, just because Henry called one or two hours later than he had promised to.
When it came to his son, Viggo still kept control of his life.
When it came to Orlando, the older man had already given himself away to that boy. Completely and unconsciously. Forever.
Viggo gazed at Orlando`s eyes, diving into his soul.
It was so utterly beautiful, that place.
For the first time since they had started the long conversation, he smiled at the younger man with the rainbow in his eyes.
He held Orlando`s head with his two hands, and softly pressed his nose against his lover´s nose.
“I could tell you that it`s not fair to make me love you this much, I could tell you that it`s not fair to make me need you this desperately, I could tell you that it´s not fair to make me forget who I am, when you are not in my arms.
It´s not fair to make you give up one some things for me, either.
I could tell you so many things…
It´s not fair to be so angry at God and life sometimes, when we have already found the treasure many people never get to see, not even in a hundred years.
But I won´t say anything, because you know we are just wasting time.
I know I love you, and I know you love me. You know I love you more than life.
No news to either of the two.
I guess we can say everything and express every thought and feeling, just by looking into each other`s eyes, because everything we are is there.
Let´s not waste more time. This is a promise.”
Viggo kissed Orlando`s forehead with honey in his lips, and then intertwined his fingers in his lover´s, to lead him to their room.
“I am the happiest elf alive! You know that, Viggo.
The war becomes too hard to fight sometimes, but my ranger never ceases believing in me.”
Orlando winked at his love, with the happiest of smiles.
He knew they would spend the whole day in bed, breathing each other´s breath, and making every single second last an eternity.
“As soon as we get out of bed, I will make a new tattoo on my lower back. I will write "VO forever".
You can bet on it!
The last one to get to the room will receive a punishment.
One, two, three…”
Orlando went running towards the room as fast as he could, while Viggo tried to push his lover´s shirt, making him fall in his arms.
Some things in life are not fair. Love is the only thing that justifies all means to an end.
End.
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