Shadows of life - Chapter 1
Sep. 6th, 2008 04:44 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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vigorliTitle: Shadows of life - Chapter 1
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
obvmluver
Beta: The wonderfullittlegreenleaf.
Rating: NC-17 in the end.
Pairing: Viggo/Karl, eventually Viggo/Orlando
Warnings: Violence, if you look closely enough.
Disclaimer: I wish I knew the boys but I don't. I also don't make any profit with this.
Crossposted to a lot of places... Please don't nail me for that.
Banner made by a good friend, pale80.
1
Dear diary…
Fuck but that’s a lousy start. The psychologist I saw a couple of days ago suggested I’d start one. So here it is: my very first diary. She told me this would help me understand the direction my life has taken. She also told me I could read through all the things I have scribbled out during this battle.
You must have wondered why I haven’t signed any contracts for movies in a while. Or if I have, my part has been small, quickly done work. And you’ve also probably taken notice to my ever- changing hairstyle. I have to tell you all of those have a good and simple explanation. It is simply because I don’t have the strength to do long projects. It’s because if I did something like sign another contract for, say, another trilogy, I’d go against my doctor’s orders. I’m sick, as you’ve most likely already gathered. It’s not something common like the cold; easily pulled through. I’m in a situation where my life could end if the heavy medication doesn’t kick in. That’s the reason why I have the shorter than short hair-do right now. I’ve prepared myself for the probable hair loss. That’s what my doctor told me, that the meds had nasty side effects, one of them being hair loss. I’ve already met another one of those. It’s the nausea. I’m so happy it isn’t present every day.
Right now the treatment is on hold. They are letting my body recover from a medical period. Intravenous cancer meds are really poisonous, or so I’ve been told. Those alone could kill me. There really isn’t anyone in my life to share this ordeal. I’m trying my best to survive on my own. If I hadn’t been a fool years ago, there’s a chance I wouldn’t be alone today.
Everyone knows I met Viggo during the filming of The Lord of the Rings in New Zealand. A few months, two or three, before the principal shootings came to an end we realised the friendship had turned into something else. We found out what the looks and touches, deep hugs and rare kisses meant. Life found its course and we were happy. But something, it’s still unknown to me by the way, pulled us apart. That is why I am alone now. Rumours say I’m with this girl named Miranda Kerr, an Australian model. She a good friend of mine, and we sure as hell spend time with each other. But when the flashes of cameras settle down and I’m in my own home I’m really alone. There isn’t anyone to share early mornings with or dinners or to discuss life in general.
I feel that battling against leukemia is private so I haven’t let it spread out to the media to be on every available site in the internet. They most likely would make it a little bit different, dramatise it or “beautify” it, make it lighter than it is. This is such a personal matter that I haven’t spoken about it to any other than my family. My friends are clueless. They don’t know that I may die. Besides, with them not knowing, I feel this is easier to live with. I have only recently come to terms with it and friends patting my back, being sad for me, would only make things worse.
Now, my hopes are directed at a wedding I’m expected to attend. The date is right after my med period and I know I’ll be very sick. But I want to honour the special day of Viggo and Karl. Yeah, my two cast mates from the Rings hit it off after Vig and I broke up. Things have been so much better for them than they were for Viggo and me. I’m angry at myself for not figuring the problems out sooner. And I hate Viggo for not trying hard enough to save what we had. But then again, he’s happy now. It shines in his eyes. I am envious at Karl for doing things for Viggo I never could. I know now I lost something precious and now Karl holds it in his hands. I hope he’ll be good to Viggo. There’s nothing I can do to make Viggo come back to me so I could apologise for being too young and stupid. I can only wish them the best and honour their wish to be there on their special day.
To Be Continued
Author:
obvmluverBeta: The wonderful
littlegreenleaf.Rating: NC-17 in the end.
Pairing: Viggo/Karl, eventually Viggo/Orlando
Warnings: Violence, if you look closely enough.
Disclaimer: I wish I knew the boys but I don't. I also don't make any profit with this.
Crossposted to a lot of places... Please don't nail me for that.
Banner made by a good friend, pale80.1
Dear diary…
Fuck but that’s a lousy start. The psychologist I saw a couple of days ago suggested I’d start one. So here it is: my very first diary. She told me this would help me understand the direction my life has taken. She also told me I could read through all the things I have scribbled out during this battle.
You must have wondered why I haven’t signed any contracts for movies in a while. Or if I have, my part has been small, quickly done work. And you’ve also probably taken notice to my ever- changing hairstyle. I have to tell you all of those have a good and simple explanation. It is simply because I don’t have the strength to do long projects. It’s because if I did something like sign another contract for, say, another trilogy, I’d go against my doctor’s orders. I’m sick, as you’ve most likely already gathered. It’s not something common like the cold; easily pulled through. I’m in a situation where my life could end if the heavy medication doesn’t kick in. That’s the reason why I have the shorter than short hair-do right now. I’ve prepared myself for the probable hair loss. That’s what my doctor told me, that the meds had nasty side effects, one of them being hair loss. I’ve already met another one of those. It’s the nausea. I’m so happy it isn’t present every day.
Right now the treatment is on hold. They are letting my body recover from a medical period. Intravenous cancer meds are really poisonous, or so I’ve been told. Those alone could kill me. There really isn’t anyone in my life to share this ordeal. I’m trying my best to survive on my own. If I hadn’t been a fool years ago, there’s a chance I wouldn’t be alone today.
Everyone knows I met Viggo during the filming of The Lord of the Rings in New Zealand. A few months, two or three, before the principal shootings came to an end we realised the friendship had turned into something else. We found out what the looks and touches, deep hugs and rare kisses meant. Life found its course and we were happy. But something, it’s still unknown to me by the way, pulled us apart. That is why I am alone now. Rumours say I’m with this girl named Miranda Kerr, an Australian model. She a good friend of mine, and we sure as hell spend time with each other. But when the flashes of cameras settle down and I’m in my own home I’m really alone. There isn’t anyone to share early mornings with or dinners or to discuss life in general.
I feel that battling against leukemia is private so I haven’t let it spread out to the media to be on every available site in the internet. They most likely would make it a little bit different, dramatise it or “beautify” it, make it lighter than it is. This is such a personal matter that I haven’t spoken about it to any other than my family. My friends are clueless. They don’t know that I may die. Besides, with them not knowing, I feel this is easier to live with. I have only recently come to terms with it and friends patting my back, being sad for me, would only make things worse.
Now, my hopes are directed at a wedding I’m expected to attend. The date is right after my med period and I know I’ll be very sick. But I want to honour the special day of Viggo and Karl. Yeah, my two cast mates from the Rings hit it off after Vig and I broke up. Things have been so much better for them than they were for Viggo and me. I’m angry at myself for not figuring the problems out sooner. And I hate Viggo for not trying hard enough to save what we had. But then again, he’s happy now. It shines in his eyes. I am envious at Karl for doing things for Viggo I never could. I know now I lost something precious and now Karl holds it in his hands. I hope he’ll be good to Viggo. There’s nothing I can do to make Viggo come back to me so I could apologise for being too young and stupid. I can only wish them the best and honour their wish to be there on their special day.
To Be Continued
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