Waking Nightmare - Maybe some day
Jan. 19th, 2007 06:24 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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vigorliTitle: Waking Nightmare
Author: Greenleaf
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: OB/VM
Summary: Strange things are happening to Orlando. At first he thinks it is just a joke of his friends, but things start to get even scarier with time and he painfully experiences, that this weren't jokes.......
Will Viggo be able to help him after his waking nightmare?
*Warnings* Angst, Violence, Rape
Feedback: Yes pleaaaaaaaaaaaase *holds up starving author sign* I love feedback even more than getting presents
Disclaimer: None of them belongs to me (sadly), nothing of this did really happen
Beta: The wonderful and awesome![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
slashfairy. Thank you *hug* All remaining mistakes are my own
I want to take his eyes out
Just for looking at you
Yes I do
I want to take his hands off
Just for touching you
Yes I do
And I want to rip his heart out
Just for hurting you
And I want to break his mind down
Yes I do
And I want to make him
Regret life since the day he met you
Yes I do
And I want to make him
Take back all that he took from you
Yes I do
Chapter Thirteen – Maybe some day
During the past few days Orlando had started to act somewhat normal towards his friends. Mostly he would be okay, if there were not more than three people over at once. Orlando didn’t talk as much as he used to, in fact he barely talked anymore, not knowing what to say. But he listened to the conversations and answered when he was asked something. Sometimes he would look people in the eyes for a few seconds. These little things would’ve seemed so ordinary and meaningless to someone else, but for Viggo they mattered. They showed that Orlando was making progress, slowly finding his way back to life. The only thing Viggo could not understand was why Orlando still acted differently towards him. He would never look into Viggo’s eyes. He clung to Viggo and insisted on staying in the same room as the Dane, at the same time he pushed Viggo away as soon as he wanted to get closer to Orlando.
To everyone else it seemed that Orlando was getting back on track, that he would soon be the happy young man they knew again. Surely, Orlando was improving, but they didn’t witness him having another nightmare. They didn’t hear him cry, nearly choking on his sobs. They didn’t see the pain in his face. Sometimes Viggo thought that he couldn’t go on anymore; it grew too much. Orlando opened up towards other people, why did he hide more from him with each passing day? Viggo tried to comfort Orlando, to do everything to help him, but there were no results. What did he do wrong?
Viggo sighed and sat down on the sofa. Dom and Billy had been over for dinner and Orlando was currently putting the plates in the dishwasher. He had taken up more and more of the housework, seemingly keeping himself busy. When he heard Viggo sigh, Orlando glanced at the older man over his shoulder. He stood in the kitchen for a few seconds, not sure what to do. He always felt so intimidated next to Viggo. Orlando was more than grateful for everything the Dane did for him, but he was so scared to find nothing but pity in the blue-grey eyes. But what did he want to see? Orlando swallowed hard. It was so difficult to be honest, even to himself. He wanted Viggo to love him, regardless of what had happened. He wanted true feelings. He wanted to be held because Viggo wanted it too, not because he felt obligated to do so.
If Orlando had looked into Viggo’s eyes just once, he would’ve seen that there were honest feelings. If he had taken a closer look, he would’ve realized how Viggo felt. But Orlando was too scared. Scared of pity and rejection. He was sure that Viggo wouldn’t want him anyways. Who would want a person so broken and unable to share closeness?
With a sigh Orlando finally walked over to Viggo and sat down on a chair next to the sandy blonde. Awkward silence filled the room, like so often in the past few days. Orlando fidgeted with his charms. He had found them in the bag Peter had brought over. They were a bit of his old life, holding memories and warmth. Normally the fidgeting and the silence made Viggo nervous and he would say something after a while, but today he remained silent. Orlando glanced at Viggo, who seemed oblivious to it and read the newspaper. The Brit turned his head a bit more and studied the features of Viggo’s face. He got lost in his examinations and nearly jumped when Viggo looked up at him. Within seconds Orlando had his eyes cast towards the floor again, causing Viggo to sigh.
“Why are you doing that?”
“Doing what?” Orlando sounded irritated, a defensive note in his voice.
“Every time I look at you, you look away.” Viggo answered calmly.
“That’s…that’s not true.” Orlando started the fidgeting again. He could hear Viggo sigh but didn’t dare to look up. He knew that Viggo’s accusations were true, but he’d never admit it.
“You know that it is true. I’m not saying this because I am angry, but because I want to know why. I want to understand.” A hint of despair lingered in Viggo’s voice despite all his efforts to sound neutral.
Orlando swallowed when a lump seemed to form in his throat.
“I can’t say why because it is not true!” Orlando’s voice sounded harsher than he had intended it to.
Viggo counted silently down from ten. This whole situation was draining on his nerves and left him with a bad temper. It took all his remaining strength to calm down a bit.
“Don’t lie to me Orlando, please. We both know that it’s the truth and you never look me in the eyes. Have I done something wrong?”
Orlando grasped the armrest of the chair so hard that his knuckles stood out white.
“No…you haven’t done anything wrong. And I am looking at you.” With that Orlando raised his eyes and looked at Viggo. He didn’t look him in the eyes but at a spot some millimetres away. Viggo eyed Orlando before he shook his head.
“No, you are not looking at me.” Viggo stated simply. He didn’t know what hurt more. That Orlando couldn’t look him in the eyes, or that he denied it.
Orlando stood up in one swift movement, nearly causing the chair to turn over.
“Fuck you, Viggo! What do you want? What’s your problem?!”
Orlando’s brown eyes darkened in anger; still he didn’t look at Viggo. His hands were balled to fists.
“My problem is that you look at everyone, but me. That you open up around the others but withdraw when you are alone with me. I don’t know what I did wrong, so please tell me! Tell me why you think you can’t trust me!”
“What you did wrong? Nothing, I just don’t want your bloody pity!” Orlando started to tremble, his body prisoner of anger and fear.
“Pity? Orlando, I’ve never pitied you.” Viggo replied bewildered.
“Of course you do! Why else would you do all this?”
“Because I l-“ Viggo started vehemently but stopped immediately. He couldn’t tell Orlando. He couldn’t bear to hear Orlando laugh and tell him that this could never be, or Orlando getting even angrier, and asking him what he is thinking. He wouldn’t really think that after everything that had happened Orlando would want a relationship, would he?
“Because I care very much for you, Orlando.” Viggo finally said a bit calmer.
“No one would care so much for anyone like me.” Orlando sneered. Everything in him screamed for Viggo’s words to be true. Screamed to be shown love again. Some inner wall he had built during the days with Jeff drowned the screams and left him yearning and desperate.
“Why are you calling me a liar?” Viggo’s gaze was fixed on the trembling form of Orlando.
“Because…because you are one.” With that Orlando turned and ran up the stairs, taking two at a time. He locked the door of the bedroom behind himself and collapsed onto the floor. He couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. Hot, salty tears bathed his cheeks, evidence of the pain he felt. He had regretted his words as soon as they left his lips, but he couldn’t take them back now. He couldn’t apologize either, couldn’t face Viggo, and couldn’t explain. Viggo must think that he was horrible and would surely want him to leave. But where should he go? He had nowhere to go and he doubted that he could bear to live alone.
Orlando had lost track of time, just lay there, and let his tears flow until there were no more. He felt so numb and cold. Feeling miserable he got up and staggered over to the bed where he crawled under the blanket. Outside it was already dark, the only light in the room coming from the moon. Orlando curled into a ball and closed his weary eyes, drifting into an exhausted sleep.
In the early hours of the morning Orlando was sitting in the chair next to the window, blanket around his shoulders. He had soon realized that this was the worst night ever. Various nightmares had awoken him, left him breathing rapidly and his body covered in cold sweat. Viggo was not here to comfort him and the cold hand of loneliness clasped Orlando’s heart. He had not only said those horrible things to Viggo; he had also locked the man out of his own bedroom. Orlando shivered and pulled the blanket tighter around his trembling frame. Tears were streaming over the pale cheeks again without Orlando noticing it. His breathing was hitched and he tried to muffle his sobs, although he could barely breathe. Just when everything had started to get at least a little bit better his life was crashing down again. Today Viggo would kick him out of his house and he would finally be alone. Alone with his memories and nightmares. Orlando had awoken crying once this night. He had dreamt of Jeff again. He had felt those hands again, heard the voice telling him how unlovable he was. What he had done yesterday had proved that. He wasn’t worthy to be loved. He didn’t deserve Viggo’s kindness.
Orlando would drift off to sleep for a few minutes, before he would be shaken awake be either dreams or thoughts again. He had lost track of time and nearly fell out of the chair when someone knocked at the door.
“Orlando?”
Orlando clutched the blanket tighter. So now was the moment that he couldn’t hide from Viggo anymore.
“Orlando, are you alright?” The concern in Viggo’s voice startled Orlando.
“I…yeah. I am.” He forced himself to say, voice shaken.
“Okay.” There was a long pause before Viggo spoke again. “Breakfast is ready, if you want anything. And you should get dressed; we have to head off to Harry in half an hour.”
“A-alright.” Orlando had completely forgotten about the appointment. He didn’t feel like eating or like leaving this room. It would mean that he had to face the consequences of his behaviour. He heard Viggo going down the stairs and swallowed hard. So Viggo was angry. Well, what had he expected?
With a sigh Orlando stood up and walked into the bathroom. He wasn’t hungry at all. Once in the bathroom, Orlando got rid of his clothes and stepped in the shower cabin. Like always he avoided to look into the mirror. He didn’t want to see how he looked; didn’t want to see the wounds on his body. For everyone they appeared to heal, but for him they were bleeding like on the first day. Each cut, each haematoma, and each invisible wound told him a story, mocked him. Orlando was so ashamed. Since Jeff had touched him, he felt so dirty, and his used body was evidence. Nothing you want to look at. Sometimes Orlando felt the urge to rip his skin off, to get rid of this broken and assaulted body. No amount of water helped to wash the memories away. At least the warm water relaxed his stiff muscles. Orlando simply stood there and let the water run over his body for seconds, before he reached for the shower-gel, his body on auto-pilot, doing these simple things automatically.
Ten minutes later Orlando stood in front of the bedroom door, showered and dressed. His hand was shaking when he reached for the doorknob. He didn’t want to leave the safety of this room. Orlando closed his eyes and took one deep breath, then unlocked the door and opened it.
It was quiet on the upper floor; the faint voices of the TV in the kitchen the only sound coming from downstairs. Orlando shakily walked towards the stairs and peered over the handrail. There was no Viggo. Slowly Orlando stepped down the stairs and warily walked into the kitchen. He didn’t know what to do. He felt like an invader in this house, being here without right. There was a cup of tea and a plate with oatmeal on the kitchen counter. Orlando looked at it, feeling the sting of tears in his eyes. After all he did, and how he behaved, Viggo still paid attention, remembered that Orlando preferred tea in the morning, before he had some coffee.
Carefully Orlando took the mug and sipped a bit of the tea. The hot liquid did nothing to warm him up. The cold inside of him suffocated the warmth. With a sigh, Orlando put the mug back on the table. He felt so lost, felt like he had no right to be here at all.
“Ready?”
Orlando nearly jumped, when he heard Viggo’s voice behind him. He simply nodded, afraid that his voice would give away.
The car ride to the hospital was spent in silence. Not the comfortable kind of silence, where simply no words are needed. The heavy kind of silence, screaming in your ears, the air full of tension. Orlando twisted his fingers and looked at his knees, while Viggo concentrated on the traffic, strain visible in his face.
The same silence stayed wrapped around them, while they sat in the waiting room before Harry’s office. The world around them was busy and loud, while they remained on an isolated island in the middle of the stream. Their world had gone quiet and they didn’t even hear sounds anymore.
“Orlando? Viggo?” Harry eyed the two men sceptical. He hadn’t seen them like this before. So distanced, cold radiating from both of them.
“You can come in now.”
Orlando blinked, as if he’d just woken up. Slowly he stood and walked into the praxis, followed by Viggo. When they sat down on the couch, each of them made sure to keep as much distance between them as possible. None wanted to bother the other.
“So…” Harry sat in his chair across of them, only lightly raising an eyebrow.
“How are you?”
The answers were mumbled and Harry couldn’t understand a thing.
“Do you care to tell me what happened?” There was no point in wasting time.
Both men remained silent for seconds, before Viggo finally spoke.
“Orlando and I…had a discussion yesterday. I couldn’t understand why he’s not able to look me in the eyes.” Viggo shortly looked at Harry before he cast his eyes down again.
“Somehow it led to Orlando saying that I only pity him.”
Orlando’s tension had grown during Viggo’s words, and his fingers were digging into the hem of his jumper. The hurt he sensed in Viggo’s voice shattered his heart and chilled his blood.
Harry nodded, his eyes fixed on Orlando.
“Orlando? Is that true?”
Orlando nodded shyly.
“And you believe that it is like this because…?” Harry asked expectantly.
“Because…because what other reasons should Viggo have? I…I’m so…so…you know.” Orlando finally said, not able to put in words what he meant.
“What reasons? I fucking care for you, Orlando.” Viggo interrupted before Harry could say anything, now looking at Orlando.
Orlando bit his bottom lip, fidgeting with the ring on his right thumb.
“But…how…how can you?” Orlando asked desperately, his voice heavy with tears.
“How can I not?” Viggo responded, suppressing the urge to pull Orlando into his arms. How could he not care, how could he not love this young man? He had loved him before all of this happened, and it hadn’t changed, only deepened. Orlando had woken up in such a dark place, had gone through something worse than anything someone could imagine, and still he hadn’t lost the inner light Viggo always saw in him.
Orlando couldn’t understand and didn’t know what to say. Harry let the silence linger in the room for some seconds, before he spoke.
“Orlando, do you want Viggo to care for you?”
Orlando’s eyes widened as he looked at Harry. He blushed slightly and looked away again, nodding barely recognizable.
“Why can’t you accept it then?”
“Because…because he deserves better.” Orlando whispered, a single tear running over his cheek.
Viggo stared at the young man before he shook his head violently.
“Deserve better? That’s bullshit Orlando. I don’t even deserve someone wonderful like you. Don’t belittle yourself so much. I’ve…I’ve always liked you…liked you very much…and this hasn’t changed. Nothing could change that, Orlando, nothing.”
Orlando pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, hiding his face while tears dampened his cheeks. Viggo sat next to him, helplessly. He wasn’t sure if he could touch Orlando or if the young man would flinch away.
“B-but…I…I don’t know if I…if I…” Orlando shook his head, not able to form a meaningful sentence. He took a few shaky breaths before speaking again.
“I can’t give you anything. I’m not sure if I ever can.”
“You don’t have to give me anything. I just want you to be happy, I want to help you, be there for you. Please…Orlando, let me…let me help you.”
Orlando huddled up even more and didn’t move for a long while. Finally he looked up again and nodded, then slowly turned his head towards Viggo. It took him some seconds before he could bring up the courage to raise his gaze and look into Viggo’s eyes. Orlando was trembling, still afraid of what he would see. When he met the blue-grey eyes and only spotted concern and something deeper, something he couldn’t name, a weight seemed to be lifted from his shoulders, and another inner wall he had built was breaking down.
Viggo and Orlando seemed to forget the world around them, staring at each other. Harry smiled and cleared his throat.
“Sometimes I really think the both of you just need someone to kick your stubborn asses. You practically do the rest of the work alone. All I can say is that you should talk about your feelings. Talk about how you feel without being afraid of rejection. If you don’t talk it will end exactly like this.”
Both nodded, tearing their gaze away from the other one, and looking at Harry.
“Good. How are you doing otherwise?” Most of the time Harry would ask common questions and simply let Orlando talk. Without realizing it Orlando would start to babble about his thoughts and feelings, and this was exactly what Harry wanted.
Orlando told Harry about the various people who had visited them during the past days for the rest of the appointment. Viggo sat next to him, silently listening and smiling. Something in his stomach had flipped upside-down when the brown eyes of Orlando had finally met his. There was still a long way to go for them, but Viggo felt more content now. He just hoped that Orlando would open up towards him. They’d have plenty things they needed to talk about once they get home, but he didn’t care.
“Alright, I’ll see the two of you in three days.” Harry bid them farewell. Orlando and Viggo spent the way home again in silence. But this time it was a comfortable kind of silence.
Back home Orlando stood in the hallway, gathering his courage before he followed Viggo into the living room and took his hand. Viggo let himself be pulled over to the couch where he sat down with Orlando. The Brit just sat there for a few seconds before he shyly leaned against Viggo, closing his eyes.
“I don’t want to be pitied.”
Slowly Viggo’s arms slung around the lithe frame, his head leaned against Orlando’s.
“I’ve never pitied you, never will. You are strong, I know that. I just want to help you in every way that I can.” He murmured, leaning back further and bringing himself and Orlando in a nearly lying position.
“I…” Orlando swallowed hard.
“Thank you.” He finally said. Slowly his arms wrapped around Viggo’s chest.
“I…I want true feelings. I...don’t want you to be doing this because you feel obligated.”
“You get true feeling, angel. If I’d feel obligated I’d let someone of the hospital take care for you, and simply visit you out of obligation. But I don’t do…because I want to be the one caring for you. I want to be here for you…for the rest of your life. You won’t get rid off me.” Viggo added laughing.
“I don’t want to get rid off you.” Orlando replied, lightly smiling.
“Just…” The smile vanished. “just…I don’t know if I can…ever…give you…something in return. I don’t know if I can be…close with someone after…what…what happened.” Orlando had a hard time stringing these words together, not sure how to express what he wanted to say. He wanted Viggo’s love more than anything at the moment, but he felt selfish for demanding it without being able to give Viggo anything in return.
“Don’t think about that. I don’t want anything, Orlando. This is not about me wanting a payback…I know that after…after Jeff you don’t want…a relationship or anything like that, and I don’t expect it. Being there for you is enough. Just let me…let me love you, let me be there for you. I won’t solicit anything.”
Orlando nodded, burying his head in the crook of Viggo’s neck. He felt the cold slowly draining from his body, being replaced with warmth. Viggo’s words simply meant so much. The world around him was shattered but at least Viggo was a constant, always there.
“Thank you, Vig. I…I’m so grateful and…maybe…maybe some day I’ll be…able to…to-“ Orlando struggled with the words, but Viggo cut him off.
“It’s alright.” He soothingly rubbed his hand over Orlando’s back.
“It’s alright. Take all the time that you need, angel. I’ll always be there.”
Orlando tightened the hold on Viggo just a little bit. He was glad that Viggo had understood what he meant without Orlando having to search for more words. Maybe some day he’d really be able to let Viggo completely into his life, to fully love again. Not only with his heart, but also with his body. Yes, maybe some day…
TBC
Author: Greenleaf
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: OB/VM
Summary: Strange things are happening to Orlando. At first he thinks it is just a joke of his friends, but things start to get even scarier with time and he painfully experiences, that this weren't jokes.......
Will Viggo be able to help him after his waking nightmare?
*Warnings* Angst, Violence, Rape
Feedback: Yes pleaaaaaaaaaaaase *holds up starving author sign* I love feedback even more than getting presents
Disclaimer: None of them belongs to me (sadly), nothing of this did really happen
Beta: The wonderful and awesome
slashfairy. Thank you *hug* All remaining mistakes are my ownI want to take his eyes out
Just for looking at you
Yes I do
I want to take his hands off
Just for touching you
Yes I do
And I want to rip his heart out
Just for hurting you
And I want to break his mind down
Yes I do
And I want to make him
Regret life since the day he met you
Yes I do
And I want to make him
Take back all that he took from you
Yes I do
Chapter Thirteen – Maybe some day
During the past few days Orlando had started to act somewhat normal towards his friends. Mostly he would be okay, if there were not more than three people over at once. Orlando didn’t talk as much as he used to, in fact he barely talked anymore, not knowing what to say. But he listened to the conversations and answered when he was asked something. Sometimes he would look people in the eyes for a few seconds. These little things would’ve seemed so ordinary and meaningless to someone else, but for Viggo they mattered. They showed that Orlando was making progress, slowly finding his way back to life. The only thing Viggo could not understand was why Orlando still acted differently towards him. He would never look into Viggo’s eyes. He clung to Viggo and insisted on staying in the same room as the Dane, at the same time he pushed Viggo away as soon as he wanted to get closer to Orlando.
To everyone else it seemed that Orlando was getting back on track, that he would soon be the happy young man they knew again. Surely, Orlando was improving, but they didn’t witness him having another nightmare. They didn’t hear him cry, nearly choking on his sobs. They didn’t see the pain in his face. Sometimes Viggo thought that he couldn’t go on anymore; it grew too much. Orlando opened up towards other people, why did he hide more from him with each passing day? Viggo tried to comfort Orlando, to do everything to help him, but there were no results. What did he do wrong?
Viggo sighed and sat down on the sofa. Dom and Billy had been over for dinner and Orlando was currently putting the plates in the dishwasher. He had taken up more and more of the housework, seemingly keeping himself busy. When he heard Viggo sigh, Orlando glanced at the older man over his shoulder. He stood in the kitchen for a few seconds, not sure what to do. He always felt so intimidated next to Viggo. Orlando was more than grateful for everything the Dane did for him, but he was so scared to find nothing but pity in the blue-grey eyes. But what did he want to see? Orlando swallowed hard. It was so difficult to be honest, even to himself. He wanted Viggo to love him, regardless of what had happened. He wanted true feelings. He wanted to be held because Viggo wanted it too, not because he felt obligated to do so.
If Orlando had looked into Viggo’s eyes just once, he would’ve seen that there were honest feelings. If he had taken a closer look, he would’ve realized how Viggo felt. But Orlando was too scared. Scared of pity and rejection. He was sure that Viggo wouldn’t want him anyways. Who would want a person so broken and unable to share closeness?
With a sigh Orlando finally walked over to Viggo and sat down on a chair next to the sandy blonde. Awkward silence filled the room, like so often in the past few days. Orlando fidgeted with his charms. He had found them in the bag Peter had brought over. They were a bit of his old life, holding memories and warmth. Normally the fidgeting and the silence made Viggo nervous and he would say something after a while, but today he remained silent. Orlando glanced at Viggo, who seemed oblivious to it and read the newspaper. The Brit turned his head a bit more and studied the features of Viggo’s face. He got lost in his examinations and nearly jumped when Viggo looked up at him. Within seconds Orlando had his eyes cast towards the floor again, causing Viggo to sigh.
“Why are you doing that?”
“Doing what?” Orlando sounded irritated, a defensive note in his voice.
“Every time I look at you, you look away.” Viggo answered calmly.
“That’s…that’s not true.” Orlando started the fidgeting again. He could hear Viggo sigh but didn’t dare to look up. He knew that Viggo’s accusations were true, but he’d never admit it.
“You know that it is true. I’m not saying this because I am angry, but because I want to know why. I want to understand.” A hint of despair lingered in Viggo’s voice despite all his efforts to sound neutral.
Orlando swallowed when a lump seemed to form in his throat.
“I can’t say why because it is not true!” Orlando’s voice sounded harsher than he had intended it to.
Viggo counted silently down from ten. This whole situation was draining on his nerves and left him with a bad temper. It took all his remaining strength to calm down a bit.
“Don’t lie to me Orlando, please. We both know that it’s the truth and you never look me in the eyes. Have I done something wrong?”
Orlando grasped the armrest of the chair so hard that his knuckles stood out white.
“No…you haven’t done anything wrong. And I am looking at you.” With that Orlando raised his eyes and looked at Viggo. He didn’t look him in the eyes but at a spot some millimetres away. Viggo eyed Orlando before he shook his head.
“No, you are not looking at me.” Viggo stated simply. He didn’t know what hurt more. That Orlando couldn’t look him in the eyes, or that he denied it.
Orlando stood up in one swift movement, nearly causing the chair to turn over.
“Fuck you, Viggo! What do you want? What’s your problem?!”
Orlando’s brown eyes darkened in anger; still he didn’t look at Viggo. His hands were balled to fists.
“My problem is that you look at everyone, but me. That you open up around the others but withdraw when you are alone with me. I don’t know what I did wrong, so please tell me! Tell me why you think you can’t trust me!”
“What you did wrong? Nothing, I just don’t want your bloody pity!” Orlando started to tremble, his body prisoner of anger and fear.
“Pity? Orlando, I’ve never pitied you.” Viggo replied bewildered.
“Of course you do! Why else would you do all this?”
“Because I l-“ Viggo started vehemently but stopped immediately. He couldn’t tell Orlando. He couldn’t bear to hear Orlando laugh and tell him that this could never be, or Orlando getting even angrier, and asking him what he is thinking. He wouldn’t really think that after everything that had happened Orlando would want a relationship, would he?
“Because I care very much for you, Orlando.” Viggo finally said a bit calmer.
“No one would care so much for anyone like me.” Orlando sneered. Everything in him screamed for Viggo’s words to be true. Screamed to be shown love again. Some inner wall he had built during the days with Jeff drowned the screams and left him yearning and desperate.
“Why are you calling me a liar?” Viggo’s gaze was fixed on the trembling form of Orlando.
“Because…because you are one.” With that Orlando turned and ran up the stairs, taking two at a time. He locked the door of the bedroom behind himself and collapsed onto the floor. He couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. Hot, salty tears bathed his cheeks, evidence of the pain he felt. He had regretted his words as soon as they left his lips, but he couldn’t take them back now. He couldn’t apologize either, couldn’t face Viggo, and couldn’t explain. Viggo must think that he was horrible and would surely want him to leave. But where should he go? He had nowhere to go and he doubted that he could bear to live alone.
Orlando had lost track of time, just lay there, and let his tears flow until there were no more. He felt so numb and cold. Feeling miserable he got up and staggered over to the bed where he crawled under the blanket. Outside it was already dark, the only light in the room coming from the moon. Orlando curled into a ball and closed his weary eyes, drifting into an exhausted sleep.
In the early hours of the morning Orlando was sitting in the chair next to the window, blanket around his shoulders. He had soon realized that this was the worst night ever. Various nightmares had awoken him, left him breathing rapidly and his body covered in cold sweat. Viggo was not here to comfort him and the cold hand of loneliness clasped Orlando’s heart. He had not only said those horrible things to Viggo; he had also locked the man out of his own bedroom. Orlando shivered and pulled the blanket tighter around his trembling frame. Tears were streaming over the pale cheeks again without Orlando noticing it. His breathing was hitched and he tried to muffle his sobs, although he could barely breathe. Just when everything had started to get at least a little bit better his life was crashing down again. Today Viggo would kick him out of his house and he would finally be alone. Alone with his memories and nightmares. Orlando had awoken crying once this night. He had dreamt of Jeff again. He had felt those hands again, heard the voice telling him how unlovable he was. What he had done yesterday had proved that. He wasn’t worthy to be loved. He didn’t deserve Viggo’s kindness.
Orlando would drift off to sleep for a few minutes, before he would be shaken awake be either dreams or thoughts again. He had lost track of time and nearly fell out of the chair when someone knocked at the door.
“Orlando?”
Orlando clutched the blanket tighter. So now was the moment that he couldn’t hide from Viggo anymore.
“Orlando, are you alright?” The concern in Viggo’s voice startled Orlando.
“I…yeah. I am.” He forced himself to say, voice shaken.
“Okay.” There was a long pause before Viggo spoke again. “Breakfast is ready, if you want anything. And you should get dressed; we have to head off to Harry in half an hour.”
“A-alright.” Orlando had completely forgotten about the appointment. He didn’t feel like eating or like leaving this room. It would mean that he had to face the consequences of his behaviour. He heard Viggo going down the stairs and swallowed hard. So Viggo was angry. Well, what had he expected?
With a sigh Orlando stood up and walked into the bathroom. He wasn’t hungry at all. Once in the bathroom, Orlando got rid of his clothes and stepped in the shower cabin. Like always he avoided to look into the mirror. He didn’t want to see how he looked; didn’t want to see the wounds on his body. For everyone they appeared to heal, but for him they were bleeding like on the first day. Each cut, each haematoma, and each invisible wound told him a story, mocked him. Orlando was so ashamed. Since Jeff had touched him, he felt so dirty, and his used body was evidence. Nothing you want to look at. Sometimes Orlando felt the urge to rip his skin off, to get rid of this broken and assaulted body. No amount of water helped to wash the memories away. At least the warm water relaxed his stiff muscles. Orlando simply stood there and let the water run over his body for seconds, before he reached for the shower-gel, his body on auto-pilot, doing these simple things automatically.
Ten minutes later Orlando stood in front of the bedroom door, showered and dressed. His hand was shaking when he reached for the doorknob. He didn’t want to leave the safety of this room. Orlando closed his eyes and took one deep breath, then unlocked the door and opened it.
It was quiet on the upper floor; the faint voices of the TV in the kitchen the only sound coming from downstairs. Orlando shakily walked towards the stairs and peered over the handrail. There was no Viggo. Slowly Orlando stepped down the stairs and warily walked into the kitchen. He didn’t know what to do. He felt like an invader in this house, being here without right. There was a cup of tea and a plate with oatmeal on the kitchen counter. Orlando looked at it, feeling the sting of tears in his eyes. After all he did, and how he behaved, Viggo still paid attention, remembered that Orlando preferred tea in the morning, before he had some coffee.
Carefully Orlando took the mug and sipped a bit of the tea. The hot liquid did nothing to warm him up. The cold inside of him suffocated the warmth. With a sigh, Orlando put the mug back on the table. He felt so lost, felt like he had no right to be here at all.
“Ready?”
Orlando nearly jumped, when he heard Viggo’s voice behind him. He simply nodded, afraid that his voice would give away.
The car ride to the hospital was spent in silence. Not the comfortable kind of silence, where simply no words are needed. The heavy kind of silence, screaming in your ears, the air full of tension. Orlando twisted his fingers and looked at his knees, while Viggo concentrated on the traffic, strain visible in his face.
The same silence stayed wrapped around them, while they sat in the waiting room before Harry’s office. The world around them was busy and loud, while they remained on an isolated island in the middle of the stream. Their world had gone quiet and they didn’t even hear sounds anymore.
“Orlando? Viggo?” Harry eyed the two men sceptical. He hadn’t seen them like this before. So distanced, cold radiating from both of them.
“You can come in now.”
Orlando blinked, as if he’d just woken up. Slowly he stood and walked into the praxis, followed by Viggo. When they sat down on the couch, each of them made sure to keep as much distance between them as possible. None wanted to bother the other.
“So…” Harry sat in his chair across of them, only lightly raising an eyebrow.
“How are you?”
The answers were mumbled and Harry couldn’t understand a thing.
“Do you care to tell me what happened?” There was no point in wasting time.
Both men remained silent for seconds, before Viggo finally spoke.
“Orlando and I…had a discussion yesterday. I couldn’t understand why he’s not able to look me in the eyes.” Viggo shortly looked at Harry before he cast his eyes down again.
“Somehow it led to Orlando saying that I only pity him.”
Orlando’s tension had grown during Viggo’s words, and his fingers were digging into the hem of his jumper. The hurt he sensed in Viggo’s voice shattered his heart and chilled his blood.
Harry nodded, his eyes fixed on Orlando.
“Orlando? Is that true?”
Orlando nodded shyly.
“And you believe that it is like this because…?” Harry asked expectantly.
“Because…because what other reasons should Viggo have? I…I’m so…so…you know.” Orlando finally said, not able to put in words what he meant.
“What reasons? I fucking care for you, Orlando.” Viggo interrupted before Harry could say anything, now looking at Orlando.
Orlando bit his bottom lip, fidgeting with the ring on his right thumb.
“But…how…how can you?” Orlando asked desperately, his voice heavy with tears.
“How can I not?” Viggo responded, suppressing the urge to pull Orlando into his arms. How could he not care, how could he not love this young man? He had loved him before all of this happened, and it hadn’t changed, only deepened. Orlando had woken up in such a dark place, had gone through something worse than anything someone could imagine, and still he hadn’t lost the inner light Viggo always saw in him.
Orlando couldn’t understand and didn’t know what to say. Harry let the silence linger in the room for some seconds, before he spoke.
“Orlando, do you want Viggo to care for you?”
Orlando’s eyes widened as he looked at Harry. He blushed slightly and looked away again, nodding barely recognizable.
“Why can’t you accept it then?”
“Because…because he deserves better.” Orlando whispered, a single tear running over his cheek.
Viggo stared at the young man before he shook his head violently.
“Deserve better? That’s bullshit Orlando. I don’t even deserve someone wonderful like you. Don’t belittle yourself so much. I’ve…I’ve always liked you…liked you very much…and this hasn’t changed. Nothing could change that, Orlando, nothing.”
Orlando pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, hiding his face while tears dampened his cheeks. Viggo sat next to him, helplessly. He wasn’t sure if he could touch Orlando or if the young man would flinch away.
“B-but…I…I don’t know if I…if I…” Orlando shook his head, not able to form a meaningful sentence. He took a few shaky breaths before speaking again.
“I can’t give you anything. I’m not sure if I ever can.”
“You don’t have to give me anything. I just want you to be happy, I want to help you, be there for you. Please…Orlando, let me…let me help you.”
Orlando huddled up even more and didn’t move for a long while. Finally he looked up again and nodded, then slowly turned his head towards Viggo. It took him some seconds before he could bring up the courage to raise his gaze and look into Viggo’s eyes. Orlando was trembling, still afraid of what he would see. When he met the blue-grey eyes and only spotted concern and something deeper, something he couldn’t name, a weight seemed to be lifted from his shoulders, and another inner wall he had built was breaking down.
Viggo and Orlando seemed to forget the world around them, staring at each other. Harry smiled and cleared his throat.
“Sometimes I really think the both of you just need someone to kick your stubborn asses. You practically do the rest of the work alone. All I can say is that you should talk about your feelings. Talk about how you feel without being afraid of rejection. If you don’t talk it will end exactly like this.”
Both nodded, tearing their gaze away from the other one, and looking at Harry.
“Good. How are you doing otherwise?” Most of the time Harry would ask common questions and simply let Orlando talk. Without realizing it Orlando would start to babble about his thoughts and feelings, and this was exactly what Harry wanted.
Orlando told Harry about the various people who had visited them during the past days for the rest of the appointment. Viggo sat next to him, silently listening and smiling. Something in his stomach had flipped upside-down when the brown eyes of Orlando had finally met his. There was still a long way to go for them, but Viggo felt more content now. He just hoped that Orlando would open up towards him. They’d have plenty things they needed to talk about once they get home, but he didn’t care.
“Alright, I’ll see the two of you in three days.” Harry bid them farewell. Orlando and Viggo spent the way home again in silence. But this time it was a comfortable kind of silence.
Back home Orlando stood in the hallway, gathering his courage before he followed Viggo into the living room and took his hand. Viggo let himself be pulled over to the couch where he sat down with Orlando. The Brit just sat there for a few seconds before he shyly leaned against Viggo, closing his eyes.
“I don’t want to be pitied.”
Slowly Viggo’s arms slung around the lithe frame, his head leaned against Orlando’s.
“I’ve never pitied you, never will. You are strong, I know that. I just want to help you in every way that I can.” He murmured, leaning back further and bringing himself and Orlando in a nearly lying position.
“I…” Orlando swallowed hard.
“Thank you.” He finally said. Slowly his arms wrapped around Viggo’s chest.
“I…I want true feelings. I...don’t want you to be doing this because you feel obligated.”
“You get true feeling, angel. If I’d feel obligated I’d let someone of the hospital take care for you, and simply visit you out of obligation. But I don’t do…because I want to be the one caring for you. I want to be here for you…for the rest of your life. You won’t get rid off me.” Viggo added laughing.
“I don’t want to get rid off you.” Orlando replied, lightly smiling.
“Just…” The smile vanished. “just…I don’t know if I can…ever…give you…something in return. I don’t know if I can be…close with someone after…what…what happened.” Orlando had a hard time stringing these words together, not sure how to express what he wanted to say. He wanted Viggo’s love more than anything at the moment, but he felt selfish for demanding it without being able to give Viggo anything in return.
“Don’t think about that. I don’t want anything, Orlando. This is not about me wanting a payback…I know that after…after Jeff you don’t want…a relationship or anything like that, and I don’t expect it. Being there for you is enough. Just let me…let me love you, let me be there for you. I won’t solicit anything.”
Orlando nodded, burying his head in the crook of Viggo’s neck. He felt the cold slowly draining from his body, being replaced with warmth. Viggo’s words simply meant so much. The world around him was shattered but at least Viggo was a constant, always there.
“Thank you, Vig. I…I’m so grateful and…maybe…maybe some day I’ll be…able to…to-“ Orlando struggled with the words, but Viggo cut him off.
“It’s alright.” He soothingly rubbed his hand over Orlando’s back.
“It’s alright. Take all the time that you need, angel. I’ll always be there.”
Orlando tightened the hold on Viggo just a little bit. He was glad that Viggo had understood what he meant without Orlando having to search for more words. Maybe some day he’d really be able to let Viggo completely into his life, to fully love again. Not only with his heart, but also with his body. Yes, maybe some day…
TBC
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Date: 2007-01-19 07:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-19 07:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-19 10:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-19 10:08 pm (UTC)we are approaching the end of this story however, not many chapters left. maybe only two, i don't know it exactly yet, we will see :)
*hugs again*
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Date: 2007-01-19 10:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-20 08:45 am (UTC)I loved the chapter. It was very intense.